The Boomers had The Byrds. Gen X had Swans. Millennials had Andrew Bird. Zoomers had Geese. George Lucas was right: it’s just like poetry. It rhymes

All the hot startups are removing the vowels from their company names, so I’m thrilled to announce my new app for daily abdominal exercises, ABDL

The year is 2003. I walk into the Microsoft offices with utter conviction as I write a single phrase on the white board in front of me: AGE OF VAMPIRES. I am immediately fired, because I am ten years old

ONLINE LEFTIST ROASTS CONSERVATIVE SOUP BONES

Someone sent a few of my tweets that were less than kind to Charlie Kirk to my employer and now I’m unemployed. It sucks and I feel like shit. This is a bad time to be looking for jobs.

We can all take comfort knowing that Stephen Crowder is probably really scared rn

A good witch’ll do that!

actually the top’s not doing so great

“Resister circuit?” I say, chuckling softly. “I hardly even know her circuit!” I am shot four hundred times in the chest

Behind every powerful butthole joke is a woman

Target’s new pride catalog has been expanded to include straight guys who went to art school

The key to future Democratic victory is this guy giving me his social security number

Dicknic at Banging Cock: a film by Peter Queer

It is my firm and unyielding belief that Jai Courtney’s parents actually named him Jay Courtney but they were so chronically Australian that their doctor misspelled it phonetically

I Goon on Your Grave

Just once, I wish the journalists hired to write this nonsense had the guts to do their jobs and look these people in the eyes to ask them what, exactly, they thought “mass deportations now” meant

Mia Goth’s even posher, much more proper sister, Iama Goth

happy cishet shame month

Just saw the girl of my dreams. She had no eyes and her nostrils beheld a great void and she was followed by a hundred thousand flies and a sheet of blood and she told me the hour and day of my death and also my high school principal was there for some reason

I think we might have to ***l P**** **ei*

Please be serious for a moment: Trump was impeached TWICE and it didn’t do anything, because the Democratic Party doesn’t have the guts to make him face anything close to a serious consequence. If we can’t get our shit together, nothing will ever get better

An anti-orientalist boy band called N’SAID

Ok but surely you understand that throwin’ a little hot sauce on that bad boy is also a very American behavior

I would just like to say something. A jort isn’t just any pair of denim shorts. A jort is a pair of jeans that have been cut off at the thighs. You idiots. You rubes.

friend shaped

me and the homies

oh hon hon je fume les viandes

Zionists are burning little children alive on a daily basis, we've all seen the videos, but you are here posting about the legality of fundraisers for the victims of that genocide. Turn every gadget off, sit down and ask yourself if that is really the piece of shit you want to be

We’ve gotta do something about these people. Something specific. You know, one something in particular

me: hey what’s up Plutarch: ok, so imagine you were in possession of Theseus’ cuck chair,

It’s always so funny how common this line is from the tech sector. Like, if you genuinely believe the work you’re doing will bear terrible consequences for the human race, why are you doing it lol

it's pretty wild how throughout all of history nobody who has ever decided to argue that "actually a little bigotry is okay" ends up looking like one of the good guys and yet people are still lining up left and right for the opportunity to do so in the paper of record

Why would I watch a sports team called the timberwolves when I could simply hike at an inopportune time anywhere in the Pacific Northwest

Sometimes when I’m out and about, I make eye contact with someone’s dog and the dog smiles and I know: that dog is my homie. I’m going to pet that dog

Me: hey what’s up The person who invented dogs:

It’s personally gratifying to see that all the good authors opposed Vietnam

Finally got my hair cut for the first time since November lol

IMPORTANT NEWS: I just met a pit bull named Beef. He had a giant head and was very nice

I can’t believe people didn’t like this. Tom Cruse jumps off a plane onto another plane and you’re COMPLAINING? Kids these days

I still eat meat, but tofu is objectively the superior stir fry protein

It’s short for Space XPlode

Walt Disney and his consequences have been a disaster for the human race

He should have been a cowboy. We all know he should have worn a cowboy outfit. How far our cultural stereotypes have fallen

if there's a marketing hall of fame whoever came up with "vegan leather" has to be an inner circle GOAT candidate. him, "where's the beef" guy, the dude who sold cigs to women as feminist, those are like the henry aaron/barry bonds/mike trout of their respective generations

This shit is so embarrassing lol

A good mechanic should be well-versed in experimental music. If I say "my car sounds like Matmos when I brake" they should know exactly what I mean