"Veterans of whole-cake-eating-top-down-off-a-cake-stand-in-one-sitting will tell you that, no matter how responsibly you plan to make this the healthiest it can be, stuff happens."

"It’s best to embark on eating an entire cake off a cake stand after many years of a diet high in whole fruits and vegetables, along with at least thirty minutes of exercise five times per week. That way, your body is more likely to be able to take the impact of the cake."

"Investors must act fast; this is the most exciting get-rich-quick opportunity since Bitcoin started accepting Bitcoin in transactions for Bitcoin. Without writers, editors, photographers, and photo editors, our company will incur almost no expenses when putting out Total Crap."

"The victor of the Fourth Great Water War has yet to be determined, but what is certain is that we have decisively defeated the DEI scolds who were incessantly telling us the 'right' words to say."

"These days, no one asks me about pronouns; they’re too busy searching for potable water."

One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/one...

"This is an achievement that took Fitzgerald himself around two stressful years—and the faster writing time offers proof that the Xerox 914, via its use of electricity, bright light, and powdered toner, has exceeded the creative powers of the human mind."

"Getting too into counting every almond is asking for trouble. As long as I’m pretty certain it’s ten or fewer, I’m not going to fixate on the quantity. This seems like maybe ten-and-a-half almonds in my palm right now, so I’ll toss two back into the bag to make sure."

"Everything in moderation, they say. Screw that. The only thing I’ll moderate is listening to you about how many almonds I can have."

I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-j...