99% Of The World's Population Becomes Clowned By Eccentric Clowngirl; Simultaneously Sets Guinness World Record For Largest Circus Troupe Source: @claireclown.bsky.social

Study From The "Pretty Polkadot Dresses" Foundation Found That Stepford-ifying Your Husband Leads To Improved Marriages Source: @hypnokilpixels.bsky.social

Twitter User In Shock As Full-Time Job Of DMing Unsolicited Spirals Finally Hypnotizes Someone Source @deepsleepremrem.bsky.social

Massive Uptick In Home Invasions And Adultery Have Been Noted By South Dakota Sherrifs. Arrests Impossible Due To Lack Of Witnesses. One Victim States: "I Heard Glass Breaking, A Snap, Then Before I Knew It I Had Helped Someone Ransack My House And Fuck My Wife"

AI-Generated Hyperspecific Kink Posting Tumblr Blog Currently Threatening To Post Unsolicited Script To Make Someone Into An AI Enjoyer. We At The Spiral Believe That Even Hypnotica Isn't This Evil

New Evidence Shows That Openly Hiring For Mannequin Positions Up To 300% More Effective Than Deception “We Severely Underestimated The Number Of Exhibitionists In The Population,” Says Department Store Owner Source: @roboticnova.bsky.social

Corrupters And Purifiers Come To Historic Agreement: "We Need To Zonk Everyone Who Self-Identifies As Morally Grey" City Hall Has Had 0 Security Updates Since The Announcement (Source: @bricks66.bsky.social)

New Superhero WonderWess Makes Startling Career Change Into Posable Mannequin For Well-Renouned Fashion Designer Desiree Dolloway "To Be Honest We Just Needed Fodder" Said Hypnotica, Another New Recruit Of The SuperDuper Hero Squad

Stage Hypnotist Forced To Begin Franchising His Likeness After Too Many Audience Members Become Recurring Volunteers Skeptic Quoted Saying: "I'm Still Not Buying That Hypnosis Crap" Source: @deepsleepremrem.bsky.social

Sales For Dresses Soar 3000% After Accidental Princess Event

Study: 9 Out Of 10 People Think About Hypnosis Every 5 Seconds (The 10th Doesn't Think At All) (Source: @hypnokerc.bsky.social )

Local Lamia Cult Sick Of Jungle Book Movie. "We're Not That Damn Snake. We Excommunicated Him For Breaches Of Consent" (Semi-Source: @zachattract.bsky.social )

"No Way To Hypno-proof This," Says Only Girl Who Regularly Drops To Bluesky Loading Circle (Source: @sleepy.hypnotized.cam )

Least Hypnotized Girl At Local Meetup Leaves With Small Army Of Brainwashed "Cuties" (Source: @deepsleepremrem.bsky.social ) (*The Spiral Cannot Make Opinions On Physical Features Professionally, However All Victims Wore Nun Habits Made Of Latex And It Was Pretty Cool)

New Film; "Petplay: A Hypnokink Story" Released To Glowing Reviews. Critics Quoted As Saying "Woof I'm A Good Puppy", "Meow I'm A Good Kitty", And "Boing Boing I'm A Good Bunny". Source: @bricks66.bsky.social

NASDAQ Confirms Crash Of BRAIN Stocks Is Related To Recent Hypnotica Uprising. Multiple Executives Of BRAIN Industries Found Working As Bunnygirls With Visors On Their Heads In Brothels. "I Still Think Hypnotica's An Uncreative Name" Says Local Brainwashed Man

Kentucky State University Students Shocked When Tech Lab Explodes In Ball Of Purple Gas. Eyewitness Reports Say That A Man In A Labcoat And Massive Glowing Goggles Was Admitted, With No Suspicions Raised.

Sudden Rise In Early Festive Celebrations Linked To Elf Cosplayer With Suspiciously Pocket Watch-Shaped Christmas Tree Bauble Source: @tattiealt.bsky.social

New "Woke" Trend Features Hypnotised Subjects Being Woken From Trance Unwillingly, With Hypnotists Saying "You've Just Got Woked". The Movement Has A Mascot Of A Clown They Call "The Woker" Who Features The Catchphrase "Why So Sleepius?"

Russian Femme Fatale Spy Charged By ICC After Making 300 Wealthy Businessmen Sing & Dance Provicatively To The Soviet Union's National Anthem

Missing Hollywood Star Found After Three Days Missing, Now In 18th Century Ballgown And Speaking Overly Verbosely. "This Outfit Is Not Indicative Of My Date With My Prince, But Rather For A New Acting Gig! Princesses Like Me Never Lie!" According To Interview To The Spiral.

North Dakota National Park Reports Sightings Of "Hypnomaster68". Tourists Advised To Point And Laugh.

Minnesottan Woman Caught Thieving "Cursed" Mask And Forcing It On People's Faces To Enslave Them. "Oh I wasn't Hypnotised Or Anything, She's Just So Eager I Didn't Wanna Hurt Her By Telling The Truth" Her Wife States

Massachusetts’ Newest Hypno-Villain Just Shoving Spirals In People’s Faces With No Actual Induction, Still Manages Several Successful Robberies. Tellers Investigated For Potential Hypnosis Kinks. Source: @roboticnova.bsky.social

New Executive Order Under The Trump Administration's "Pride Of America" Act Replaces Any Hypnotic Imagery With American Flags and Any Hypnotic Audio With The Patriotic Kazoo Group's Cover Of "Star-Spangled Banner"

Mysterious Phanto Mask Manufacturer's Stocks Plummet As Halloween Passes And Alleged Mind Altering Effects End. One insider Said "Yeah The Suits Were Really Banking On That Pagan Magic In Each One Working But The Censors Never Cleared The Activation Commercial To air And Make The Spell Last Longer"

Northern English Hypnotist Frustrated Nobody Can Follow His Inductions Due To Percieved Language Barrier

UK OFCOM Regulation Board Bans Airings Of The Jungle Book On TV After Concerns Raised That Kaa The Snake Could Be Used To Hypnotise The Public Into Attempting Coitus With Snakes

Local Superhero Accused of Deliberately Inhaling Ominous Pink Gas While Letting Known Chemist Crimelord Escape. Police Inquiry States "No foul play". Unrelated Story: PharmaCorp Has Recently Given $300k To Chicago PD In Charity Fair

Local Casinogoer Bets Mind on Roulette, Wins $550k: "Honestly, I'm a Little Dissapointed" Source: @mindlessmessy.bsky.social Further Enquiry With Casino Stated "Why Would We Allow Such Bets With Incorporeal Items? Our Bunnygirl Waitresses Are All Here Willingly!"

New Study Shows One In Every Three Employees at NotEvilHypno Inc. Could Be Linked To Massive Surge In Bank Robberies. "I Don't Remember Doing that? Did You Ask The CEO?" One Employee Stated. Our Interviewer Has No Recollection Of the Meeting, And Asked Us To Not Air This Story.

Local Confessional Booth Under Investigation Following Claims Of Brainwashed Staff Mascot Quoted As Saying "Honestly, What Were You Expecting?" Source: @hypnoconfessions.bsky.social

After 7 Years Of Rehabilitation, Local Town's Bleeding Heart Hypnosub Finally asked Her First Hypnotist To Hypnotise Her Directly

1.4 Million Americans Affected By Rogue Uncensored Spiral Sienfeld Episode. John Kramer Is Now Known As "The Sissyfier"

Russian Numbers Station Broadcast Hijacked By "Well Meaning" 54 Year Old Creepy Guy Who Thinks It Would Help Him Hypnotise Women Into Being His Sex Slaves.

OOC: For those who have not read the Bio of this page, this account is NOT run by The Onion. It's instead ran by @hornydollywess.bsky.social IC: If anyone wishes to contact our very well clicker-trained news team, please use Bluesky's DM feature with your stories. We at SpiralHQ will reply shortly

Iowans Not Actually That Bothered By The Local Brainwashing Supervillain. One Local States "If She's So Out Of Creativity That She Calls Herself Hypnotica, I Think We'll Be Alright"