I can't take my work laptop abroad because there's a significant chance CBP will copy the drive. If you weren't already aware, we’re living in a dystopian world.

Watching The Bassmaster Classic at a neighborhood bar. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Sunday shenanigans. With @philaiv.bsky.social

Get your March Madness brackets ready boys. Due by 3/19 at noon!

Thirsty bottoms be like

I’m always surprised to learn how down-to-earth Nicole Kidman is in real life. For example, she claims to love going on cruises with her family and thinks events like karaoke night are the best part.

20-something year old from the West coast who has never been to Times Square: "Does it have good restaurants?" The resulting laughter was priceless.

We took our staff to Puerto Rico for an alignment retreat to review our KRAs and strategic goals. Despite being a senior leader, I had to share my own, which, unfortunately, means I actually need to do them if I expect the teams to do the same. Ugh.

I'll give the Charlotte airport some credit: lots of hot thirsty men that would let me make a deposit in the Centurion lounge shower.

The #1 attraction in Charlotte is the Billy Graham Library, according to a sign in the airport. It’s things like that which make people lose respect for those in the South.

​My next flight is delayed. Jesus must hate me personally. I like to think he too has beefs with people he doesn’t know, just like me. Brothers from another [immaculate] mother.

Plane things

Wild Puerto Rican Pussy

Puerto Rican rum before heading to a work dinner (when in Rome / rum / San Juan)

Guy on Instagram messaged me "breed me again" but what he doesn't remember is that he fell asleep before anything could happen so I covered his naked ass with a blanket and skidaddled my ass out of there.

Puerto Rican Rum Punch 🍹

Every time I visit Puerto Rico, I'm reminded that the bird noises I use as an alarm clock must come from there, as they are nearly identical. As a result, I'm woken up at dawn.

BWI ✈️ CLT ✈️ SJU

Root beer float time

When the orange cat is waiting for you to be done fuking so it can lay on you to go to sleep.

Trashy gay bar that serves food and the fryer oil tastes clean. Surprised as fuq.

Ask yourself, how much pee is currently in your balls? Where we know pee is stored.

Fresh haircut in time for the weekend & a work trip to Puerto Rico next week.

My job: Gatekeeper. I'm the troll at the bridge.

What is going on with Tucker Carlson? A lot of his new merch slaps.

I often send pictures of strangers' moles to my doctor husband for review. Thankfully, I haven't yet needed to suggest to a stranger that they get a mole checked.

Gmail’s filtering is broken. Legit emails from other Gmail users are marked as possible phishing, yet the obvious scams that literally say "Click Here to Enter Password" are flagged as safe.

I'll never understand why people aren't more responsive to emails when they know the alternative is a meeting and no one wants that.

Rumor has it that the next release of Bluesky won’t allow users to zoom in on pictures. Looking forward to the revolt.

It's getting to be impossible to tell who is a scammer and who isn't and people get made when you don't just blindly trust them.

White Trash is such a good name for an albino raccoon. I wish I had thought of it myself but I did not.

Time slows down when sick and it sucks. Would love to be able to fast forward to Wednesday or Thursday.

I feel weird going to a neighborhood Chinese takeout place and only ordering a quart of wonton soup but that's all I want.

I'm sorry but if a man doesn't know that women can pee with a tampon in, they probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

There is a lesbian in my neighborhood who is a flat earther. It's so strange. Us alphabet people are generally smarter than that.

A Patagonia running a deep sale is my love language.

This weather makes me want to buy a sailboat but thank god I know better.

The weather is absolutely beautiful on the east coast. Sunny and 45-50° F. Wear sunscreen if you plan to be out and about.

I'm trying this wild new thing where I space out my drinks and eat multiple meals so that I'm not hungover the next day.

I should really try to remember the names of people I meet. I have four new phone numbers in my phone that are just their phone number, no name. Not even a description of the person. 😅

There seems to be a vortex of freaky guys from South Carolina tonight. They must be making up time after growing up in the Bible Belt.

In an Uber that is playing Delilah. Can't believe she is still on the air after ~30 years.

A Friday meeting at 3:30 pm should be a crime.

Orange cat sounds like it has COPD and oh boy, it is annoying.

The AI drug commercials make me so angry. Drugs ads shouldn't exist and then add the AI bullshit to make it worse.

Getting schwasted on a Thursday night w/ @jfcap.bsky.social

Idea: drug test my staff to find out who has connections.

I am down to only three work emails *twirl*

Jared Kushner looking more and more like a robot every day. After he's tried for crimes against humanity we should figure out why they all got such horribly bad cosmetic work done.

Running an Earth Day 5k for charity, supporting my community, despite being adamantly against running. Necessary evil for heart health.