Who is doing No Fap February?

Had two beers last night at dinner and woke up this morning with a headache. WebMD says it's cancer.

Sending me a coupon code immediately after I've ordered pisses me off.

Roseanne, especially the final season when they won the lotto and the show took a dramatic turn from being about a blue collar family.

Tumblr rarely disappoints

Y'all got jokes while I got yokes 🍳

People love to say they're ahead of the curve when really their ass drove up on the curb and bent their rims.

It annoys me that people reach out to their council member before putting in a 311 request. Wasting our time because they work for us.

Yes I have a standing desk but standing is a scam perpetrated by Big Desk!

PROTESTING DOES WORK! - Rule of 3.5%

Let's be honest; Change will only happen if the top ~20% feel the pain that the bottom ~80% are feeling. The 32 trillion dollar question is how do we make that happen?

Someone put in a 311 request to plow the side street. A snow plow came by but instead of plowing the street they just took a picture. Ugh.

When I see a gym or circuit gay chewing gum I can't help but think of that scene in The Birdcage.

Watching people slowly one by one give up trying to dig their car out of the snow. If they needed to get out, parking on a side street & then waiting to start digging until after the snow hardened were probably poor choices.

Goals

This winter storm and the resulting low humidity has reminded me that dry climates aren't for me.

Still hasn't snowed and I was promised snow. *taps watch*

Weather! Am I right?!

I watch the traffic out my office window all day and it's clearly not just the gays who can't drive.

I have a skill set that won't be useful during an extinction level event so I am perfectly fine to be taken out in the first wave. Me rebuilding the world? I don't think so.

"Raising canes is a kids menu restaurant" might be the most accurate statement I've ever seen on Reddit.

In first grade I was hit in the head with a kickball so hard that I must have blacked out for a moment. Woke up to the coach saying "don't cry; don't give them the satisfaction" which looking back is fucking wild lmao. Especially since I had no memory of what had just happened.

72 hours and the small bruise on mon pénis is almost gone. Lil' Phil is a survivor.

This stomach virus can kiss my shiny metal ass. I probably felt better when I had covid from Disney year before last.

We're full of puke and should make peace with it.

Someone gossiping about me accidentally texted it to me and it wasn't even good gossip. If you're gonna gossip, at least go big!

Monuesday fit

I need a virtual wiffle ball bat to smack some sense into some people.

I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize and I am demanding that Puerto Rico and D.C. be admitted into the Union as states.

Jumbo margarita in the burbs

I am nothing like a potato. Put me in a dark space for a long period of time and I won't be fine.

The straights at my gym want to do a Heated Rivalry-themed class with the music from the show. For those in our 5 a.m. class who weren't familiar with the series, the instructor tried to describe it without explicitly mentioning the abundance of anal sex.

Disaster Index popup on a snowy day 🌨️ w/ @jfcap.bsky.social

It's 8 am on a Sunday and I'm finally getting out of bed. The women who work at the local grocery store Sunday mornings probably think I'm dead.

As a vampire I would definitely invest in a spray tan booth.

Bella & Edward's relationship had an inappropriate age gap.

Someone at a lower level in a different department invited me to join their asana project. Like no bby; I'm not here for that but good try.

Bluesky users: give us media in DMs Bluesky: update! you can now share skeets to Microsoft Excel

First & will likely be my only FCF post ⏳⌛

Got a workout from carrying the new gym mat upstairs. Must weigh ~100 lbs or so.

Just woke up drooling and at full mast but it's not what you think, I was dreaming of chocolate 😅

I saw "buy a wig" pop up on my task list and was really confused for a hot second until I remembered I was invited to a wig party at the end of the month. 🤣

Cheers Queers 🍻

Wearing three pairs of socks in an attempt to stretch out a pair of shoes. The internet claims it'll work but I'm skeptical.

Received new joggers via the post and they fit perfectly. Every small win counts.

In response to "Everyone wants to go to a house party but no one wants to throw a house party," one of my 2026 goals is to throw more house parties. Hopefully they don't suck as it has been a hot minute since the last one.

Are you off on Monday or is your employer racist?

There must be a better solution to a data breach at a health insurance company than a class-action lawsuit, as the only winners are the lawyers & the hackers. The cost of the lawsuit is ultimately paid by the insurance company’s customers; a claimant might receive $10 but end up paying higher rates.

At least one U.S. Senator predates the invention of chocolate chip cookies. Wild and absolutely insane.