Are you like me and you still check your dash for which side your gas cap is on even tho you’ve owned the vehicle long enough for it to be paid off from brand new or are you normal?

There is a gorgeous man at Home Depot who has helped me 2 times now who asks “Whatchu need, baby girl?” every time he sees me looking for something in the smoothest most old school G way and then fist-bumps me when we find it and just walks away. I’d like to report a theft. Of my heart.

OH GOD I CAN HEAR HUBS COUGHING IN THE BEDROOM If you wish to visit him before he shuffles off the mortal coil you’d better make it soon. [Insert wife eye roll here 😒]

Me as a single woman if this marriage thing doesn’t work out: No I’m sorry I couldn’t possibly I have very important plans to be absolutely guzzling my bedside water like a woman dying of thirst at that time. Perhaps we could take a rain check.

Not me sending strongly worked emails at 8:30 on a Sunday night making threats and throwing around accusations. I leveled up and became the Sunday Scaries.

Husband has 9 am appt. Before we get him there we need to drive to the dealership to pick up his truck. It takes 15 minutes to get to the dealership. It takes 20 minutes to get from the dealership to his appt. WHAT TIME DID HE TELL ME HE WANTED TO LEAVE THIS MORNING? Husband math answers only.

I just spent the last 3 hours of my work day toiling with single minded purpose to investigate, prepare, document, and work up every single aspect of a file all bc someone told me “no” when I asked them to provide me information to which I am entitled. I should probably get that checked out.

✨Puts away black dress from Monday’s mediation ✨ ✨ Takes out virtually identical black dress for today’s deposition ✨ ✨ Sets aside third, practically indistinguishable black dress for tomorrow’s court appearance ✨

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

STOP DOOMSCROLLING AND GO MAKE YOUR OWN PHO GA 🍲 That’s what I did tonight and it helped. #cookingsky

Defense counsel just asked me if I’m pregnant while on a break in our deposition today so I think I’ve had enough of this fucking week thank you.

Curmudgeon-y old business lady thought of the day: if I have to buckle one more high heeled ankle strap around my ankle I’m going to burn the building down

Whooooooole lotta prayers comin outta the Department of War today…

I just saw a comment that said "I don't support what happened to Charlie, but Charlie supported what happened to Charlie." THAT ... that's what I've been trying to put into words.

The FBI right now could probably use all those experienced senior career professionals with decades of investigative experience that they fired for absolutely no reason.

Do…do they know that Jesus would be solidly pro gun control?

A short story: I couldn’t decide if 250 words was the right length for a summary. Rather than asking how LONG 250 words was I, a legal genius, googled “how much is 250 words” bc I was rushing & am v important. My brother in Christ, the google said “250 words is 250 words.” #notwrong #WinningAI

As a guardian as litem who spends a lot of time with incapacitated adults and their families, having someone to take care of you when you’re in your 90s isn’t a REASON to have children but boy do I think about it a lot. These dogs need to start earning some income. 🐾

When I come to the gym sometimes I see people I went to high school with and they have gray hair and bald spots but I am definitely as youthful as the day we graduated I don’t know what’s wrong with them my joints definitely aren’t fused and old. *shuffles away with definitely youthful legs*

Lawyering is dealing with a lot of Jr League assholes. Assholes you know have never taken a fist to the jaw before. Like if you just make direct eye contact with them they get scared of you as a contrarian kind of assholes. Like you’re wearing flip flops no one is scared of you kind of assholes.

In addition to being a girl boss lady lawyer I also foster dogs for a local rescue and buy them jaunty little capes to wear to help them get adopted. You know. Just cuz. #dogsky

@kenwhite.bsky.social things that made me guffaw in my earbuds this morning: “Kash Patel always looks like he just bargained on a fart and lost.” 🤣💀

Every time I’m at the grocery store I am filled with the overwhelming sensation that I am only getting some of what I need and a certainty that I will be returning within 24 hours.

Turns out the Fairfield Inn and Suites has a THREE dog limit (as opposed to two, which is what I thought) so congrats to my beagle, who doesn’t need to spend any time in a duffel bag tonight. 🐶

Reasons I almost lost my shit on opposing counsel today in depositions in the year of our lord 2025: She asked my client (who FOUGHT IN VIET NAM from ‘69-‘71) to justify his diagnosis of PTSD. And had the balls to look confused when I told her he would, under no circumstances, be answering that.

I know that the horrors are endless and the unconstitutional shenanigans never cease but tonight I am grateful to be in perimenopause in the age of legal THC products. #buzzdropsbesavingmylife 🐝

The week before a vacation makes you really need a goddamn vacation 🫩

If someone could please ask my 1:00 appointment to please stop being SO DISRESPECTFULLY PUNCTUAL I am trying to shove this soggy Panera salad in my pie hole in the 30 seconds between meetings bc my 10:00 am depos turned into 3 hours of tomfoolery I would APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU

You know it’s not the heat so much as it is the unyielding atmospheric stress and relentless legacy pressure to feel the same way you did 30 years ago when the things you were promised for a lifetime of hard work still existed Sorry I meant humidity” I hate autocorrect 🙄

I was all prepared to be morally superior bc opposing counsel called my office to say she was gonna be late for court but then a dump truck in a ditch made ME late & now I’ll have to hope that someone accuses me of not sending an email I totally sent in order to get my daily dopamine hit.

“I am perpetually herding on fire raccoons.” 🔥 🦝

Today I was on the phone with Wells Fargo trying to get to the legal dept and the lady told me she “wasn’t sure there WAS a legal dept” which for sure isn’t true so she transferred me to another dept who told me they had a legal dept but only for people who were dead. And that’s why I drink. ✌🏻

You think you’re a really big deal as a lawyer until your paralegal goes on vacation for a week

New courtroom new duck who dis #courtducks

For once I am completely uncharacteristically über early for court and so I shall sit here and judge everyone else for not being as timely as I am. This one time. Which almost never happens.

We invented a trade war bc the orange idiot is upset that we don’t have enough American manufacturing and now he’s accepting a $400 million gift from a foreign country…. Of an American made plane. Instead of contracting. With that American company. To make him a plane. Have I got that right?

I’m very sorry for what I said last night when I felt bloated and I hadn’t worked out.

It’s an absolute monsoon today in coastal Virginia. I recently dropped too much money on a fancy raincoat from Lululemon in anticipation of a trip to London and Dublin and I am walking around JUST SO FAR SUPERIOR to everyone else today my ego knows no bounds. 🌧️

I’ve been watching Mobland all day and henceforth I shall be conducting business like Helen Mirren no I shall not be taking any questions and if you piss me off your car is going to blow up.* *This skeet sent in an Irish brogue.

Early morning Saturday roasty goodness that’ll become salsa verde for family BBQ later 🌶️ 🍽️ #cookingsky

Marriage pro-tip: If your spouse does something mildly annoying you can just choose to not be a giant bitch about it and talk to them about it later and it’ll all be ok. I’m awaiting my special wife Certificate of Achievement for implementing this yesterday 🏆

Whewwwwwww a woman lost control of her Land Rover and hit 2 parked cars this morning on the street where every mom with a stroller complains people “drive too fast there are kids who live here” and the cops are here the neighborhood FB page IS GONNA BE LIT TODAY 🚨 🗣️ LETS GOOO

Hey sisters - happy “text your brother to tell him what you ‘both’ got mom for Mother’s Day” to those who celebrate. 💐

Today lawyering be like: Me: Ma’am I can’t help you (with an injury case). You have to yield the right of way when making a left turn on a green ball. Her: Well it’s been a long time since I’ve taken a driving test they should probably post that somewhere. DRIVE SAFELY EVERYONE

Things I say in Pilates class: Follow me around and pull on my butt.

Today lawyering be like: MY NAME IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IN THE SIGNATURE LINE OF THE E-MAIL YOU’RE RESPONDING TOOOOOOOOO

The thing about litigators is we will talk absolute SHIT about our clients in the office. Just DRAG them. And then go to court and fight for them like they are our mothers and their lives depend on it. They drive us crazy. And no one cares for them like we do. #Balance

So a woman at the gym just cold walked up to me to ask “are you into male strippers??” Turns out she wanted to invite me to a male review at a local bar. Ma’am. That is a very strong opener. I was not ready. PS I am not into male strippers. I just cannot take their swingy 🍆 seriously.

Me, writing down my attempts at authentic Mexican cooking: always add caldo de pollo. Knorr brand only. Green top. Do not buy any other brand or the abuelas from Mexican families past and my mother in law will descend upon you with penciled eyebrows and the judgement of ancestors.