Some kid on Call of Duty called me "unc", so I found his divorced aunt on Facebook. You finna eat those words, jit.

Y'all ever been so desperate that you find a year old pic of a baddie and crank it to the reflection of her ass on a car door?

She jork my dingle dangle 'til I splork on her bazongas. Trust me, I am a real sex haver.

The Temu dick pills hittin' different, slime.

Nutted on a $1 bill, call that generational wealth.

If the PC troubleshooting tutorial is not voiced by an Indian man, I do not trust it.

Million dollar idea: a boy band with 4 members, all of different ethnicities, and we call it "4SKYN".

Finding out your high school crush has an OF is like looking through your attic and finding a binder full of 1st edition holographic Charizards. It's also really sad when you remember that she went to college to become a pharmacist. Anyway, my paycheck is now $10 / month less.

I thought Five Guys was a gay dive bar, but it's just a fucking burger place. With prices like these, it might as well be a gay dive bar, because I'm essentially paying to get fucked either way!

Im envisioning the variety of women who will romance me, their various Ethnicities, etc, when the Dark Net Injectables make me 1 inch taller

I am quite literally un-bully-able. There is nothing that you could possibly say or do to me that wouldn't make me cum at least a little bit.

Specifically Sam Altman.

Women say that men need to make more noise in bed, but get mad when I start lore dumping about a random 80s sci-fi themed porno with surprisingly good world building that gets unceremoniously interrupted by a woman getting ass fucked by a guy in an E.T. costume. Excuse me for having hobbies.

If I'm gawkin' your shit into next week and you DON'T put your hand on my head and call me a good boy... You're not getting any of the Gushers I hid under my pillow when we cuddle afterwards.

I am physically incapable of beating my shit to real women... I am, as the youth would say, "cooked".

It's gotten to the point that I can't tell if the flags in people's bios are from different countries or some random niche pride flag I've never seen before and it's even worse when there's like 27 of them in a row. Just say you're a Pansexual Guadalajaran F-16 and get it over with.

I refuse to acknowledge CEOs of major corporations as people.

It's always basic ass white dudes named Hunter saying shit like "I need a goth mommy gf" and then getting mad when the music that most goth mommies listen to isn't about beer, trucks, or gang violence that they've never experienced because they grew up in the suburbs.

things woud go fucking crazy if me and an open minded woman got up to some bisexual Shit

I'd fuck someone in the ass for some Beijing Beef and chow mein right now.

I ain't had real pussy in like 2 years. Fuck a dry spell, I'm in Flint, Michigan circa 2014 at this point.

I genuinely don't give a fuck how small your tiddies are, I can and will suck them shits raw.

"Gun to your head, you're 1 inch inside of a tomboy and a femboy is 1 inch in you. You backing up or moving forward?" Yes.

My Valentine's Day plans are the same as always. Crying into a Jack & Coke while beating my meat to copious amounts of Judy Hopps porn and busty elf hentai. Haha. You think this is satire, but it isn't. I'm one year away from doing my best impression of Kurt Cobain on April 5th, 1994.

I'm genuinely so fucked that I don't think I could unironically fuck someone my own age anymore. Like, gang, have you SEEN how freaky MILFs are? I could say one thing that makes her laugh and 2 hours later, I'm getting my asshole spit shined like a professional car detailer. Need me some of that.

My barber fucked my shit up, gang. I'm not goin' anywhere for at least a month and DoorDash doesn't have pussy on any of their menus. Fuck.

Smokin' that shit that makes me wanna fuck dudes.

To the dude I just held at gunpoint for a frying pan, I am truly sorry. Times are tough and I needed it for my kids... Not to make them a nice breakfast or anything, I just needed a second one for when they have minor disagreements and I force them to start swinging until I hear crying. #arcraiders

To the kid whose mom I just fucked, I'm sorry lil bro, you ain't gettin' any Gushers in your lunch anytime soon.

For New Year's Eve, me n the bois are smokin on that Cybertronian EMP pack laced with pure Energon. Shit so purple, the entire boof looks like Soundwave's dick. Got me tweakin' like Sam Witwicky in the second movie, twin.

Finna start the New Year off right by crying, jorkin' it, and drinking White Claws until I'm white girl wasted enough to text my homie and tell him to raw dog my bussy until I'm speaking Japanese.

Christmas is comin up. Me and the boys finna get together and play Strip Scrabble while drinking eggnog wock. It's basically just the shit you make by pouring NyQuil into Sprite, but we just use eggnog instead of Sprite.

Finna hit up the club and throw nickels at all the strippers, because that's all I had left in the change jar. I used all my quarters at the bowling alley arcade last weekend trying to win a giant stuffed bear to shove my limited edition Freddy Fazbear Fleshlight into.

Accidentally sent my hb a picture of my cock and bro sent me an in depth review and critique. He even used some shit in the background to guess the approximate length and girth with shockingly accurate results. He also sent me a link to his OF that I didn't know he had and a job application.

Who the fuck tryna get they tiddies sucked, ass ate, and taxes evaded? I'm not your guy on the first two, but I gotchu on the third one.

Peakin' off the Turbo Taint Blasters so hard that I unlocked Bluetooth mode. I have transcended reality itself and become a niche inter-dimensional micro celebrity. I have seen God and I was not impressed. I sold Moses a gram of pure Ugandan Lion Dick Dandruff. Y'all can't fuck with me.

To the AI bros that inadvertently caused this whole RAM crisis, I genuinely hope your wife cheats on you, takes the kids, and leaves you with nothing. Even then, I'll bet you'd still ask ChatGPT how to tie a noose. Fuckin' dumbasses.

Sold my stepson's percs for exactly $641.53. Now he won't shut the hell up about tooth pain. Don't you worry, little jit. Once I'm done in the casino, we'll buy you some shit that'll make you forget you even had teeth in the first place.

Insinuating that this account is run by AI is insulting. AI stands for "artificial intelligence" and I can say for certain that there is very little intelligence involved in this shit and the only artificial thing about me is the government programming that makes me wanna fuck dudes.

Coughed up a lung after vaping the homie's nut for a Big Mac. I could've just sucked him off, but I had to prove a point.

H.R. pulled me aside talm'bout some fuckin' "inappropriate workplace conduct" bullshit. All I did was ask Jenny from the billing department if it sounded like a nearly empty ketchup bottle. I also asked the H.R. rep if she'd show me how those tits fart, but that's not important.

The hoes call me "Arby's" because I have the meat... That and I never said it was good, but at least it's filling and readily available despite the low demand.

I'm just tryna get some MILF pussy, but these ads keep asking for my social security number! 'Boutta hit up my homie's aunt and ask her how satisfied she is with her marriage.

How do I tell the waitress at this Waffle House that I want her to obliterate my prostate and choke me into submission like it's a professional MMA fight? Asking for a friend.

Spent the last month neck deep in the shit. I was baptized in the sweet nectar of no less than 12 Albanian prostitutes' piss, sweat, and cum. At least 6 Colombian drug dealers are now dead. I'm pulling up to the Casino in a fresh Givenchy suit and a blood stained Rolex. I have truly been reborn.

Caught the homie blastin' mad rope to clown porn. I'm a little offended he didn't invite me, tbh.

Stuck my cock in a bottle of Pepto because I needed something wet and pink. 💯

Need me a bitch that'll come home, punch me in the face, and immediately throw on a 12 inch strap on to destroy my bussy.

Halloween's coming up. Need me some spooky coochie.

Need me a bitch that's built like Mei from Overwatch, frfr.