Wearing a Santa suit. Literally. It's made of Santa. (Fair-trade, free-range Santa, FYI.)

Interviewer: "And where do you envision yourself in 5 years?" Me: "Strangely , I think you and me will be shopping for glasses together." Interviewer: "And then what?" Me: "And then we'll see."

Daylight Saving sucks. #FallForward #ChangeTheClocks

Tax the rich

Interviewer: "Do you have any questions?" Me: "Yeah. If hired, am I assigned a desk or can I find one and fight for it?" Interviewer: *checks handbook* "It doesn't say... it's not totally clear..." Me: [standing up, rolling up sleeves] "Hey, Red Sweater! It's go time!"

"Maybe there never was an organization called 'Antifa.' Maybe we became 'anti-facist' from the friends we made along the way?"

We recognize this fact to be true. 🔥🔥🔥 #ReleaseTheFuckingFiles🔥🔥🔥

Dad arms were made for family selfies.

I'm #AntifaAF.

Interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?" Me: "Sometimes I can unknowingly talk down to my co-workers..." Interviewer: [writes a note] Me: "Intelligent people call it being 'Condescending.'"

Interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?" Me: "I can be too honest at times." Interviewer "I don't think that's a weakness." Me: "I don't really care what you think."

October is Polished Man Month. The campaign has become a global movement, designed to raise awareness and funds to end violence and SA against children by painting one nail blue for the month of October.

Hey #TwinCities! I have a friend who is in therapy after having a severe stroke, and #UnitedHealthcare has decided they are no longer going to cover his recovery because the doctor was busy with other patients for the last-minute three hour window they gave him to contest the decision.

Baseball season is officially over for me. Will I see you in 2026 at the park? I hope so.

Preparing myself in case 3I/Atlas needs handling.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Asking you that same question, but at a much better, cooler job, so you better hire me if you expect me to hire you. Interviewer: Oh shit... I'm gonna need that job in the future...

So when MAGA said that they wanted to give comedians #FreeSpeech again, they really just meant they wanted it to be ok for them to do offensive impressions of other racists and sexual orientations and maybe use the "R" again, right?

Theory: #47 is near de*th, and the Right is using CK's m*rder and the backlash online from detractors to prep for how they're going to handle (and punish) the mountains of celebratory posts and memes that will follow. (Firings, banning international travelers, ultimately jail time, etc.) #MMW

An alternate way to say this would be: Don't devote your life to dehumanizing others for profit.

[Record scratch.] Yep, that's me on the floor. Legs in the air. You're probably wondering how someone like me ends up in a position like this...

Trump was in so deep as an FBI informant against Epstein, he was willing to sexually assault minors just to stay undercover. #SoBrave #SuchBullshit #MuchFuckery

Training dinosaurs to play "extinct." #MiLBPromotions #FunIsGood

"I know what you are... but what AM I?" A bully having an existential crisis

Minneapolis Mayor Frey: "Anybody who is using this as an opportunity to villainize our trans community or any other community out there has lost their sense of common humanity. We should not be operating out of a place of hate for anyone. We should be operating out of a place of love for our kids."

Me, but in baseball card form!

At the St. Paul Saints' I make a bit out of autographing potatoes on the concourse and giving them to kids. This Thursday, the other Ushertainers and I will be autographing our own trading cards! Thurs Aug. 7th starting at 6pm at CHS Field! The first 1500 fans get a deck of cards for free! Of me!

Soon I'll be able to add "Professional Cow Milker Announcer" to my LinkedIn profile, thanks to the St. Paul Saints. #FunIsGood

I debated 20 far-far-far-right conservatives (racists? fascists?) on Jubilee's 'Surrounded.' Here are some of the highlights of them unable to answer my basic questions or rebut the simplest of points. Not sure whether to laugh or cry. Here's the full 'debate': www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S-W...

. Stealing from us in plain sight. .

I don't know how Conspiracy Theorists do it; wearing this tinfoil hat all night (at the St. Paul Saints' Conspiracy Night) really baked my brains... which, maybe, actually does explain a thing or two about conspiracists...

FEMA will no longer to door-to-door to assist you in a disaster, but ICE will go door-to-door to kidnap you and turn your life into a disaster. America has its priorities, y'all!

Can we get #BoycottTeePublic trending until #TeePublic removes "Alligator Alcatraz" shirts and prints from their website? @teepublic.bsky.social

Testing to see which social media sites mark this as "hate speech."

An assault on immigrant communities is an assault on *America itself.* Immigrants *are* the American story—builders, dreamers, defenders. If you come for them, you're not defending this country—you’re desecrating it. Don’t dare call it patriotism. It’s cowardice in red, white, and blue #VoteHellNo

A duck's echo eats eight people every night, and nobody knows why. #InternetFacts

Sending strength to Representative Hakeem Jeffries of New York. Keep speaking the galaxy is watching!

Free Dad Hugs at the St. Paul Saints' Pride Game. #BaseballIsForEveryone #FunIsGood #StPaulSaints

I'd feel better if J.K Rowling was harassed every time she tried to use a public restroom.

We’ve bombed Iran. And dismantled our joint terrorism task force. And sent a third of the FBI to help ICE. And gutted the National Security Council. And a drunk guy is in charge at the pentagon. And our intelligence allies probably won’t share intel with us. Because people couldn’t vote for a woman.

We still have no idea who the ICE agents are. They could be insurrectionists, extremist militiamen or criminals themselves, chasing law-abiding citizens down the street for recording their kidnappings. The odds they aren't are low. Congress must raise hell about this. A masked gang runs our country.

I bet if we start proclaiming loudly that the masked ICE agents aren't even American, they will out themselves to prove it willingly. So... what country do you think they're really from? I'm guessing Columbia.

A top staffer to Sen. Tina Smith emailed Sen. Mike Lee’s top staffers on Monday about “how much additional pain you’ve caused on an unspeakably horrific weekend” Full emails below

In case you were wondering: I won Father's Day yesterday. #WorldsGreatestDad

Today from 3-5pm at Can Can Wonderland in St. Paul.

Once he is captured or found dead, I hope the world forgets the name "Vance Boelter." And if you must remember it, can we please get "Vance Boelter is into beastiality" trending, so that's the only thing he's remembered for? Then maybe we won't have any copycats later on. #VanceBoelterFucksAnimals

Me: "Got any kings?" America: "Go fish." Me: "That's right."

A very special Fathers Day Match Game at Can Can Wonderland this Sunday from 3-5pm. Three Jesters' dads and their kids are on the panel, and any Can Can guest can play join the fun and compete for Can Can prizes! Hosted by our favorite single mother, Lori!