For a moment, allow yourself to consider just how satisfying that first post-Rose Bowl cigarette must have tasted to John Mellencamp. Then remember he smokes five packs a day and likely hasn’t really tasted anything since 1981. That’s why he sucks on chili dogs.

It's true I am the sun I am the new year, I am the rain I am the sun, I am the new year I am the way home I'm the way home

I’m still writing 2025 on all my checks!

So, you say you want 2026 to be a good year? That’s easy. Just follow my pattented 2 point plan. 1. Make sure your front door is open at midnight 2. Eat 12 of these under a table It’s SCIENCE! Happy New Year!!

Rhythmic, systematic, world control! Magnetic, genetic, demands your soul!

Rams are getting SCREWED here

Does anybody remember LAUGHTER?!?

I told John Oliver that Elizabeth Taylor had died.

Dune And Dunerer

Every caller on the Green Bay post game show right now: “Hey dere, Homer. I’ve got 17 points I’d like to make about tonight’s loss and then I’d like to ramble on about my time playing high school football.”

Did the Bears somehow break the Packers FOREVER last week?!?

Wondering about Luis Robert Jr.’s status so I Googled it and this was the first result that came up. Is it just me or are half of the things you look up on Google just wildly inaccurate?

Season 11 begins on January 10th!

The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks. You know, olives, pickles, scallions. Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

Feel free to look this up because it’s going to sound like something somebody would make up. The Wizard of Oz begins with Dorothy nearly being eaten alive by pigs.

Looking to end an unsatisfying conversation this holiday season? Do what I do! When someone says a number, immediately ask them to repeat it. Then mournfully say, “I didn’t have THAT on my bingo card,” and walk away.

PLAYOFFS!!!!

The #1 movie when you were 10 years old is how your 2026 is going to go.

Listening to this while picturing the not too distant future where John Mellencamp can smoke at Bears games.

“Our team has won 10 games, our new coach has our fan base believing in the future of the franchise and we’re about to host our arch rival on a Saturday night game with playoff implications! You know what our next move is?” “Threatening to move to Indiana, Mr. Warren?” “DAAAAMMMMN STRAIGHT!!!”

Dear Santa, How are you? I have been good. I’m once again asking for the same present I’ve asked for every year since 1976. Dave

George Michael’s “Monkey” video would have you believe his live shows during the Faith tour were just him running the 40-yard dash across the stage all night. That was obviously a big part of the show but he did other stuff.

Could someone PLEASE talk me out of pulling the trigger on this?

TIL: The Grinch was 53 years old. I’m 53. I see you Grinch. I get it.

They could've voted in a seven-time MVP, a seven-time Cy Young/one-time MVP winner. They could've voted in guys like Murphy (2 MVPs) or Mattingly (1) who, for at least a brief time, were plausibly the best players in the game. But we get Jeff Kent who was never even once the best player on his team.

It’s early on a Wednesday and I’m LOOKING FORWARD to a Bears vs. Packers game?!? This is a lot to process.

3rd period here at the United Center and Blackhawks fans are chanting, “GREEN BAY SUCKS!”

This has been a DELIGHT!

Amazon needs an alternate video feed of just Philly fans booing.

That first half was satisfying. I’m ready to have my heart broken again.

This halftime show! WOW!!!

thinking of her today

Foreigner singing “Cold As Ice” to an escaping Demogorgon is about the most Thanksgiving thing that’s ever happened. Ever.

The Elmo character has been a regular on Sesame Street since 1985. It’s time for him to knock it off with the baby talk already.

My QB.

The Bears appeared to rush the passer there. Let’s go to Gene Steratore to check if that’s allowed!

I’m 20 minutes in on The Witcher season four and I have NO IDEA what’s happening. Is it presented out of chronological order like Arrested Development’s fourth season?

Because???

Hodor from Game of Thrones didn’t talk as much about Hodor as ESPN talks about the Dallas Cowboys.

I wasn’t prepared to hear Paul Giamatti as John Adams! And Laura Linney!!!

Oh boy, I have seen this Bears game before….

Does Hub Arkush still think the Bears messed up not drafting J.J. McCarthy???

Tom Brady’s job is to tell us what things are called. Kevin Burkhardt’s job is to quickly respond with a quick “Oooooh, I LIKE that!”

Throughly satisfying drive, Bears! More please.

Friday Fun Fact: Your mama don't mind, what your mama don't see.

Is this the return desk? Because I brought my own receipt. Ridiculous.

Steve Carell and John Krasinski are in a coffee commercial with a robot and they never acknowledge that there’s a robot hanging out with them. Is the robot a ghost?

The SiriusXM First Wave Party channel is playing The Police “Driven To Tears”. Great song but…PARTY??? Although the more I think about it I’ve been to a handful of gatherings where there’s been too many cameras and not enough food. Maybe they’re onto something.

OR…you guys just credit me the $20.

Olamide Zaccheaus out here with more drops than Visine.