Every toy I ever wanted when I was 7 years old was never stupid. In this essay...

Someone asked me if I knew my hair was purple today. Um, no, I got attacked by a wandering gang of hooligan hairstylists. They also took 200.00 and wouldn't let me look in a mirror. It was all very traumatic.

I completely expect to be thrown under the bus. It would be nice to be acknowledged, but I learned not to hold my breath.

Zohran Mamdani is saying things like “poverty is a policy choice and politicians have a duty to their constituents to make their lives affordable” and it is making a lot of politicians very very scared that they may actually have to start doing some actual service in their public service jobs.

My smoke alarm talks. The batteries were running low, which it told us in a very soothing female voice. However, we weren't aware the smoke alarm spoke so we assumed it was the talking thermostat for the AC. The batteries were changed which undid us turning off voice commands.

I do miss one thing about Florida, seeing cool lizards.

Waiting until I've been in my city long enough.

Florida will keep voting for the leopards ate my face party nonetheless. I'm so glad I'm out of that shithole and less dependent on government disaster aid.

Bull Sharks don't actually have very high levels of testosterone. Not even the highest of the sharks. Turns out Bull Sharks are just really big jerks for no reason at all.

probably a good time to bring this back

Oh NOW I'm cool?

Day was going really well until the internet went out. Then I suddenly hated everyone.

I'm walking outside today, and my new life goal is for my sunglasses to get bigger as I age until I'm wearing a welding mask at 80.

Does anyone else have that one spoon in your kitchen you hate for no reason?

Ok so standard 12in hellium filled balloon will lift approximately 14g. Let's assume the weight of the balloons and string are negligible for now. Sterling weighs 38lbs or 17236.5g. To lift him I would need at least 1,232 (rounded up) balloons. That's a rough idea anyway.

Point being: bombing Iran would be wrong even if every single member of Congress signed off on it first.

I want Rainbow Washing to actually be cool. I want it to involve a bath, colored lights, some bubbley, and sushi.

Muriel's Wedding is a better Abba movie than Mama Mia. I will not be taking questions.

I live with a history teacher. One of my hobbies is to read him white people's bullshit justifications and half truths about slavery and watch him go bananas for the next 30 to 60 minutes.

I can’t believe there are people who have a choice between playing golf and taking a nap, and they choose golf. Like, WTF?

Please stop saying we live in hell. Hell follows some level of logic and a basic set of rules.

I don't want to face the problems in my life, so I'm going to check my horoscope instead.

Me: I'm sad. My dog: What about me says nurturer? Is it when I hit you for attention?

I'm going to start a goth club in my closet so I can dress up and pretend to go out.

I answer my dog when he barks. He thinks I agree, but I’m gonna be honest, I have no fucking idea what he's saying.

Being an adult is mostly overrated, but the ability to decide “I am no longer going to spend time with someone who makes me feel bad” is a really great feature.

I want a marshmallow, just one. I always think I like them because they look so fluffy and unassuming. And so I have to prove to myself I don't like them every 5 years or so.

Just got back from Costco. A serial killer could break into my house and stab me a million times, and I would hate him less than people who hold deep and personal conversations completely blocking the aisle.

Ok, but... what if we sacrificed the winner to the corn gods instead?

My brain: Must try to start exercising for anxiety management. Also my brain: UGH I just want 20 Iced Mochas.

Putting “If my smiles were for you, you wouldn’t have to ask for one” on a t-shirt and wearing it fucking everywhere.

Reminiscing that the 90s held space for gregorian chanting set to electronica, swing, and ska. Also, we fried a light bulb.

Explaining the economy to my dog so he’ll understand why it upsets me when he sleeps on an old rug instead his expensive memory foam dog bed.

Why do the Halloween mermaid skeletons have human pelvises? Like with the Ischium? We know what cetacean hips look like.

I have learned one lesson from Final Destination. Do not go to Paris. Do not plan to go to Paris. Do not mention going to Paris.

I washed and folded all my laundry except one sock I missed in the laundry basket. I feel like I failed laundry.

The Trevor Project has a 24/7 Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ+ Youth. Please support them if you can, and please promote them. www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/

I'm getting my handicapped placard today. Ironically, there was lots of standing at the window. But, that's accomplished now.

I had some Sangria, and now I love Sterling, my dog, more than I've ever loved anyone ever.

Lol, He regrets losing money. I'll never set foot in a Target ever again. fortune.com/article/targ...

Just a reminder to all small vendors/businesses: Fuck StickerMule. Do not use them. The CEO is 1000% MAGA and has been for a looooong time. Like HobbyLobby or Uline levels of Do Not Use.

Finally, someone has taken the whole bots talking to bots joke seriously.

I don't eat Bumblebee anymore, but I'm starting to feel like I need to investigate anything I eat unless it's completely local. www.cnn.com/2025/03/21/b...

The biggest lie in Shadow Run is that the tech just works. abc7news.com/post/waymo-i...

Winter your performance has been exemplary, but your services are no longer needed.

To every non-American out there: I'm just going to apologize ahead of time to your great-grandchildren who are going to complain about having to learn about The Rise and Fall of The United States of America while in school.

My therapist said it's ok to be petty sometimes as long as it's not hurting someone. So I'm sending my mom flowers for her birthday that say " you suck" in Victorian.

I'm genuinely tired of this, too. I don't stan politicians, and they are never above criticism. When I get criticized from someone, I actually think about that shit. Maybe I did fuck up and this person is telling me to be better.

I'll just send this over to my landlord. I'm sure he will forgo rent. It's all just ones and zeros, after all.

The rug is getting mighty lumpy