"We actually have two bits of good news. We figured out what was wrong with your dog, *and* we found your lost cat. Now for the bad news..."

Elections matter.

If I were Adlai Stevenson, I’d have saved my breath and just fired back at Valerian Zorin with “more like ‘Union of the Bloviate Socialist Republics”, then leaned into the mic and whispered “Cold War over, y’all” and left.

“JFC, read the *room* Largest Great White Shark on Record!”

This ad, like: “Hey babe, I noticed earlier when I was railing you from behind, you could use something for that eczema.”

@kavehmd.bsky.social every time I hear that pretty, shimmering string swirl right before one of your episodes is about to be interrupted by an advertisement, I think of this line from Nightmares And Dreamscapes:

What on earth is the point of running your toothbrush under the tap before you stick it in your mouth? What are you, trying to activate the paste or some shit? Just get on with it already. Jesus.

I’m gonna guess that a solid 99.9 percent of houses with a conch shell bought. Like, fuck you poser. Ain’t no way you just found that thing.

@kavehmd.bsky.social when you’re doing a procedure on your birthday, do the nurses and other doctors ever wheel the patient in with a candle sticking out of his butt while singing happy birthday?

There was a time that I thought “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” meant that if you wanted to pinch a woman’s ass, you ought to be okay just looking at it.

There are times I get sad that Alan Tudyk died. Then I remember, “no, that was Wash. AT is still alive”.

There remains no clearer an expression of the union between obliviousness and straight up rudeness than the average person’s behavior while shopping at Costco.

Saw this headline and one jiliion percent expected Pete Davidson.

“Yeah, I make bad puns about Korea. What are you Gwangju about it?”

I’d rather have salt in front of me than a frontal assault in me.

Hey, it was just your birthday sometime this year, right? Happy birthday!

Saw this in DTLA, and honestly, I don’t think a vegan PETA activist could have done a better job of making me second-guess my carnivorism.

Nobody has stopped to consider whether Quaid could have distracted the “I’ve got five kids to feed” guy when he turned heel, by engaging him in debate about how one could have children without being married to their mother. And then, I dunno, hit him over the head or something.

I’m willing to hear arguments in favor of SD burritos versus LA, but can we first agree that this wrap job is bullshit?

so bluesky for me is just going to be entirely medtwitter rebranded?

When people from Boston meditate, are they all like “Ahhmmmmmm”?

A-wella everybody’s hurtin Because of their burden A-wella burden burden burden Is causin your hurtin A-wella burden burden bu

Shapeshifters in movies: actors pretending to be other actors pretending to be characters pretending to be other characters.

I think if there were like a pro pillow fighting federation like WWF but for pillow fighting, Sgt’s Laughter would be a good ring name.

How do I mute words? I’m just a sitting duck right now for anyone out there who posts the word “hubby” or anything having to do with a “drip king”. https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/d2c3f298-8ca0-48e9-b416-73f7071546e2

i just had a moment in which, on the side of a separate decision about whether to include a mismatched third hand towel in a group of three on my bath counter, i found myself thinking, "uh-unh, people. big daddy gets to cum on the *good* towel."