Sir you cannot say "What's up?" in Cloud City. We have all heard that one before get better material.

Do not believe the rumors. I do not have bitch-ass disease but even if I did it's not contagious OK

Imagine, if you will, an impossibility: a world without the DK Bongos of Donkey Konga fame.

If being a hater was an Olympic sport, then I'd be disqualified from competing because I'm trans.

Tantalizing Tarantulas is sooo gonna be the phrase of the year. You all have my permission to use it.

Oh yeah? Well, have you considered SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRELATED? I thought not, you blatherskite.

If it isn't from the Merde region of France, sorry, it's just sparkling shitposting.

Now I wanna be clear on this– and I want that mic close for this ok? Ok. Because this is really important. Love saving info. The future of society—of our planet—depends on these words. Alright! Ready? *inhales then immediately gets hit by a runaway*

Call me a snob if you like but I think eating shit and drinking piss is "in bad taste".

"I was told that there would be tortillas at this gathering" the man says to the herd of cows. He is having one of his delusions SMHmyhead

I don't know who's spreading this LIE about me, but the answer is "no, I do not eat small rodents whole." Y'all just need better security for your gerbil enclosures.

A bunch of people I know have never seen or heard of "Rome". "Where is that?" they will say. I scoff at them without answering. These fuckers will never make it in the knowing things biz.

"Wait, I gotta do this shit forever?!" –A baby after his first day of being alive

I can't go to the work today. I'm allergic to snow. Achoo. See? Allergies.

What the fuck is a baked bean anyway? Those beans are CANNED and ain't no one ever baked them goddammit

"Mistakes were made" no shit that's exactly the problem you imbecile

"I'm afraid this is the end of the line," she said, pointing to a line she'd just drawn on the blackboard. My god, she looked horrified.

"In case you weren't aware today marks exactly 1 year to the date from the signing of the declaration of Independence" -a liar

The only thing I hate more than unfinished sentences is

There is no one else in human history who has said as many stupid things on purpose as me.

"Oh, it's not that serious," she said. Then she turned into a bunch of wasps.

"Who watches the watchmen?" Oh please. No one cares. The only question that matters is "Who cums in the cum-men?:

"There are, like, more than one suns or some shit," said the man who saw the future. Terrifying.

There are those who think cod liver oil tastes like chicken. These people are FUCKING MORONS. Cod liver oil tastes like cod liver, you utter buffoons.

You know what I think? We need more restaurants that specialize in food no one likes. That way, they can be the worst at something, which is kinda like being the best at being bad.

The postal worker cowers against a wall. His pursuer stares him down from across the alley. He is wearing enormous shoes, a large red nose, and horribly applied lipstick. In his hand he brandishes a neverending stream of kerchiefs. "I see our parents still teach you to fear," he says. "That's good."

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the Donkey Kong Bongos are what NASA uses to pilot their Mars rovers.

Tonight there is a 40% chance of rain and a 100% that at least 1 person will die at some point.

Did you, for some reason, go to the store today? Maybe purchase a bag of Doritos? My, aren't we naughty.

"It smells like updog in here," said the man to the empty room.

One of these days they're gonna make a shop for real gamers. They'll sell the only thing gamers want: pride flags.

Which one of you NERDS picked Mr Clean of Mr Clean Magic Erasers (tm) as "most likely to take us all to pound town" for this year's world yearbook?

I took a which celebrity are you quiz. All it asked if I was a sex pervert. I said no. Apparently I'm not a celebrity

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP? MY CAPS LOCK KEY.

25 years ago today, I saw at least one tree. It was pretty nice, if unremarkable.

I opened the packet of Diablo sauce and squeezed it into my mouth. "Huh, tastes like meat." Then I died.

I opened the can and held it out to the dog. My hand trembled like a stalled engine. A woman threw herself between me and the dog and stretched out her arms. "No," she said, "he is allergic to canned tuna." It was a can of Spaghetti-os

Every once in a while, someone will say something so stupid it you scratch your head and say "Huh, I never thought of it that way." My only aim in life is to aspire to such greatness.

The wise man lay awake on his narrow cot. For the first time in his 90-year wise man career, his back ached. For the first time, he knew uncertainty. And with uncertainty, he knew fear. "Where does your lap go when you stand up?" He didn't know. Goddammit, he didn't know.

Why is it so cold in this Waffle House? Waffles not incubated at 75 degrees fahrenheit will die. How do these "waffle doctors" not understand this

"What is the deal with airline food?" I said while sobbing into my bowl of stale cheerios and skim milk. Neither of which were purchased at an airline.

... you looked it up didn't you

Tomorrow, there will be 25 hours in the day. It's true. Don't bother looking it up

A Steely Dan cover band which is also called Steely Dan and sounds exactly like Steely Dan and looks exactly like Steely Dan and oh my god it's just Steely Dan

The woman, tired, aching, and full of exactly zero fucks, stood before the king. "I don't know how to tell you this," she said, "but your shoe is untied."

The angry man dusted off his jeans, stepped up to the podium, and shouted: "If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma—"

Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a triceratops is that true are you dating a triceratops how?

Why do all the young folks say suffering sucko these days? Tfuck that mean huh?

If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I would walk the other way. What foolishness to approach an unknown light.

As the Fernch say: "Sailor Vee!"