No one can eat a large kebab as daintily as me. I get almost no sauce on my shirt

Sounds delicious!

The wretched "gamer" who consumes them

I dreamt the 3 Blue 1 Brown guy did a video explaining the science behind the movie Event Horizon, including the hell stuff

Congrats to the USA for somehow defeating themselves in war

Is there a more WRETCHED creature in the world than JD Vance?

Elon isn't really the world's first trillionaire, I got there ages ago. I just don't run my mouth off about it.

Once VR and the Metaverse really take off, we'll be able to escape this ravaged world and finally get some good Protoss dick

Each night before bed I spend 5 minutes putting the charger in and out of my phone's grimy little mouth at different angles, until it finally agrees to feed. This is how I unwind at the end of the day

What if cars are sentient and crashing is how they talk to each other?

Just because Hannibal Lecter is good at drawing and playing the harpsichord and knows anatomy and stuff, it doesn't mean he's not a dumbass

Yesterday I drank deep and tasted the plasma spring. NBD

Judging by the ads, Tubi really wants me to buy myself a vibrator

Me (when Bach finishes another 15 minutes of sinister minor key organ music with a happy little major chord): Bach, you cheeky fucker!

I love when my wife retweets me on Instagram

New single "Limp" is releasing as we speak: thewildmutations.bandcamp.com/track/limp It's a punk rock song with little bursts of thrash metal and electronica, plus clarinet and some otters I recorded at the zoo. #AusMusic #BrisbaneMusic

The new HOSTILE ARCHITECT ep is incredible, check it out: abeliskaudio.bandcamp.com/album/nebuch...

"May the Fourth be with you", you pricks

Discretely fellating the door knob

Low-fi beats to chill and self-suck to. Binaural beats self-suck 432 Hz pineal gland drones for chilling and slurping it. Non-woke version 480p

Trump got sucked into one of the engines of air force one. Rancid fat and turds reportedly sprayed 100m out the back of it

When i was born i went completely apeshit

Do what he says!

Trump's fontanelle is starting to leak

Toxic Vaccibated Beef

Hulk Hogan tried to do his trademark shirt ripping off trick, but not realising he was already shirtless, he grabbed his own skin and tragically tore himself asunder #hogan

I hate antimatter, it feels disgusting

I messed up and told my kids about the langoliers, now they're trying to bite everything in the house

Sports headlines are very funny when you don't follow sports

There is only one way for Elon to get back on Trump's good side: public seppuku with that chainsaw Milei gave him

Surprise! The Wild Mutations have released a ferocious new single: The Deadly Spawn (named after Douglas McKeown’s 1983 masterpiece). It’s a gothic thrash metal song about a weird and unpleasant day I had a few years ago. open.spotify.com/album/6nwLFM... #ausmusic

Song of the week: open.spotify.com/track/35LAll...

Song of the week: open.spotify.com/track/2jeF37...

Last night I dreamt Ogre from Skinny Puppy and Pierce Brosnan were the same person

Getting on the hard stuff tonight

"take my hand off to never never land" - James Hetfield, 1996

The conclave chose that new pope so quickly. I hope they didn't rush the decision

"give it away, give it away, give it away now" -Anothiny Kiedis, 1991

My belated new year's resolution is to learn the thrash guitar parts from Carry Stress in the Jaw

I accidentally cast corpse explosion on myself 😳

My attempts to be interesting are being described as "increasingly off-putting"

Driving around the city at 100kph, while performing "road head" on my passengers

Song of the week: open.spotify.com/track/1AmPm2... What a weird chorus

I've been selected to be the next pope. Please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Giant/colossal squid news

Song of the week: open.spotify.com/track/6Hw8IJ...

There go my plans for the evening :/

Spiralling into a defensive rage when my step-counter calls me an "over-achiever"