do you ever look at your kids and think, “wow we’d all die instantly if we were in the quiet place film universe”

on a ms group on fb and people actually seriously discussing not taking dmts and doing a “natural route” bitches we were all taking a “natural route” before this and we still got this bullshit disease

i forgot to tell you all i got a first in my degree and have been accepted to do a masters so suck it bitch to everyone who doubted me

i haven’t watched porn for 7 days, thanks starmer

voted for two white men today disappointed in myself but not surprised

just did the face scan and it knew i was an adult straight away didn’t even pause to think for even a moment

5 y/o: how long is an hour me: an hour 5 y/o: oh okay

i don’t understand straight people

cat demands to be let outside let indoor cat outside in the garden with me cat gets angry at the wind cat then gets mad at me for thinking i have created the wind i try to explain i didn’t create the wind but he doesn’t believe me cat demands to be let back inside

had the interview for this btw and i did the very best i could so if i don’t get it im completely giving up on life ❤️

he did it 🥹 he finally let me hold his dick whilst he peed 🥹🥹🥹

it’s mad that i literally found the love of my life on twitter and we are still so in love and happy

it’s too hot to function

my friend asked me what’s the difference between a poached egg and a boiled egg and i couldn’t answer

trying to teach our 5 year old to face time, didn’t pick up one time cause i was getting juice and saw this notification on my phone

me driving like

when you go to your master’s pre interview where you’d become a psychotherapist with this as your pfp

not to fish for compliments but i’m feeling really ugly and worthless atm ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

when my teenager daughter asks me why i never get angry

is anyone else’s indoor cat violently pissed off with them because they think it’s your fault the house is so hot

i asked for teddy’s reaction to all of this

i’m once again reminded that men are far too emotional to be in positions of power

this is real btw

lost my dildo earlier and never have i felt the fear of god so fiercely

when did the price of concert tickets become £150

Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope

do you know how awesome it would have been to have a song like good luck babe when i was a little bisexual teen having her heart broken by girls who just wanted to have fun with me but “weren’t gay”

chris: i haven’t had a moment to myself all day chris 12 hours ago:

a baby squirrel

The FA banning trans women just confirms that football’s never been a safe space for us. There’s still not a single openly gay player in the Premier League. But come Pride Month, they’ll all be slapping on a rainbow bands like that fucking means anything.

So the FA says trans women are a danger to cis women but convicted rapists and domestic abusers are still allowed to play? This is and was never about protecting women.

me: how do you spell pivotal chris: pivot and then A L me: (hearing ale) how do you spell that? chris: *stunned by stupidity* me: ale so A L E right? chris: no… a…. l… me: thank you (: can you just spell it next time that would be great

Chris’s 65 year old mum keeps using 😏 and 🥵 emojis and I don’t know how to explain that she’s making me feel sextually assaulted.

Lindsey Graham wants Trump for Pope. Makes sense he’s been kissing Trump’s ring for years.

Tony Blair says there’s ‘hysteria’ around climate change. Says the guy who sold a whole war on imaginary WMDs. If anyone knows manufactured hysteria, it’s him.

everyone give thoughts and prayers to me during my last week of uni and having to finish my project without crying and shitting myself and thinking i’ve fucked everything up

chris: google might be selling chrome to yahoo me:

when you and your worst enemy are the last two in musical chairs

This moment when the penny drops that trying to implement bathroom bans is an impossibility for the former Tory Chief Secretary Simon Clarke is delicious.

Discovered that I am the orange M&M

hello i’m back again

thinking about how i probably should start working out so i can beat up men who hurt my girls

Labour, the party for the working people. And if you physically or mentally cannot work then google natural selection 👍🏻