Opened my door this morning to discover a massive dog turd in the middle of the landing that for whatever reasons my neighbours, who are not really supposed to have a dog, have not cleaned up. Not sure what the appropriate response is here

I am cooking miso butter tagliatelle instead of ordering pizza, someone praise my excellent decision making skills?

Just read the Reform arsehole's George Michael joke. I get that this is a bit arson murder and jaywalking, but it isn't even original. My dad's arsehole friend was telling it about Freddie Mercury in about 1995

"Death of the author" did she die and I missed the street party? Damn

This is not just a mic drop, it’s an M&S mic drop.

Went to evensong tonight to sing the canticles we've been practicing for what feels like ages and bonus got along pretty well with two hymns and a psalm. This feels like one of drunk Darius's better decisions

[Norman Rockwell man standing up in a meeting]: you don't have to be respectful when someone who has harmed you dies

I met a bloke on Grindr Tuesday night who agreed to meet and then asked what kind of sex I wanted Me: well I can't top, but apart from that you choose Him: why not? Me: I left my dick at home Him: why are you on Grindr? Me: ...because I'm a trans bloke who likes cock?

I'd hire a bunch of artists to turn all my half baked novels into comic books

Boss: for the last time, testicles have no effect on lifting Me: they kind of do via the endocrine system Me: higher testosterone means more muscle. That's why steroid abusers do it Boss: yeah but their testicles shrink Me: yeah, because the pharmacy testosterone intimidates them

Someone needs to sit these guys down and explain the concept of guillotine insurance to them

"If you don't want people to die, you must want them to suffer" sounds like something I say when the ideation is particularly bad

I'm remembering the time someone - possibly Elaine/scattermoon - asked trans people what we'd do if cis people disappeared for 24 hours and I think a numerical majority of us said "go swimming"

Surely you get some minor celebrity to cut the ribbon with a giant pair of scissors?

Today in the British fail network, we connected carriages at Nottingham and it apparently "randomly broke the doors". They fixed it again but with a 26 minute delay

Anyone got the cartoon of St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland and they're sitting in the back all "are we nearly there?"

Awkwardly coming out at choir by telling them my ambition is to become a tenor and sing parts with more than three different notes

RIP Caesar, you would have loved having a month, a salad, and a way of being born named after you

People are still saying "voting is like taking the bus". Listen, if I want to go to Nottingham and my options are Sleaford or Boston, I'm not going to say "Well Sleaford is closer", I'm going to check my bike tyres

Fun Ides of March fact: March is one of only four months that have their ides on the 15th. The others it's the 13th

Talking to xCLP last night about the many popular mixed drinks combining stimulant and depressant, usually considered a Bad Idea Me: I googled "is rum and Coke dangerous" and guess what google's ai thought I meant by Coke? xCLP: if a bartender gave me a shot of rum and a line I'd be pretty annoyed

That time I did a meme of three places I wished I could visit and I said Iran, Cardiff, and Seattle 😢

Trying to arrange a meet on Good Friday and suggested we should have some passion. Sadly he's not religious so I don't think he got it

Bringing the high low, you say? As in putting down the mighty from their seat and exalting the humble and meek? How very dare they?

My solution to the Strait of Hormuz issue: build a time machine, go back to when people first said "we should rely less on oil", and act on that instead of laughing

This recipe calls for "4 oz haricots verts (French green beans)" and I cannot argue, haricots verts are French green beans exactly

Me: so my mate said I should go to West Street and make some spot cash. He said I'd just have to walk up and down until a car stopped for me Boss: so you just walk up and down and people give you money? Me: there is another element to the transaction Boss: what's that? Me: I think you know

That fun website where brands used to try to seem cool and relatable is now a cesspool of nazis and porn bots (and probably some nazi porn bots, I don't have the stomach to check)

Me: Farmville is so weird, look these are obviously both girl cows because they produce milk, but if you put them together they make a calf Grindr bloke: maybe one of them in transfem?

Autocorrect repeatedly turning wank into walk. Look, they're both health exercise, but only one of them will get you from a to b

"When you order from a coffee shop menu, you're signalling that your desires deserve a customised response" I mean yes? That is the business model behind the entire food service industry? You want something, so you pay a person to make it?

Jeans repair suggestion: gently squeeze the female part of the rivet... Me: uhhh, which part is female again? Me: oh right, the part that gets penetrated Me: kind of homophobic but whatever

"Calling a trans woman she is irreparably changing the language" people who use "endogenous" to mean a substance you get from the pharmacy but God intended your body to produce it, apparently

Messaged the gooner gf to joke that results transitivity says Scunthorpe are better than Spurs. Now we're discussing the distinction between a fist and a cock

Apparently there are companies that custom print N95 masks, which might be the thing that finally stops me layering surgical and cloth

Happy International Women's Day. Before you ask, it's the 19th November and I'll see you then

Train announcer: exit [at Finsbury Park] for the Emirates Stadium Me, still Spurs in spite of everything: why would anyone want to do that?

Raise your hand if you're an adult who would enjoy doing a "kids' craft" activity like glueing craft sticks and pompoms together to make something not particularly artistic

Me: are there only chargers in first class? Train guard: yeah, help yourself Me: I don't have a first class ticket TG: I don't care

Lies! We do not wilt, we blossom!

Match tickets: £17 Hostel: £39 Rail tickets: £128 Seeing @sufcofficial.bsky.social win 3-0 away from home: priceless

I have had to beg my sibling for over £100. They asked if that's loan or gift and I said I'd try to pay back but I have no idea how long it will take. The shame I feel is horrendous. I'm trying not to inflict it on my sibling but can someone here please reassure me?

We have two and a half months til we move and it would be really cool if you could help two queer disabled people reach this goal, every bit helps so please keep sharing this. We appreciate you so much 🫶🏾

Me: dah-dit di-dit dah-di-dah-dit dah-di-dah [Nick in Morse code] Mum: was that rude? Me: I hope not, people keep calling me it She says she only heard the last two letters, but if someone called Nick sends something that ends -ck why would you guess it's rude?

It's possible for an aircraft to slip into a rightward bank that's so slow the pilot can't detect it. But if it goes on for long enough, the aircraft can be dangerously far to the right. But the really fun part is that if anyone tries to fix it, the pilot feels like they're violently banking left

Keir Starmer is on TikTok? That's commitment to getting kids off social media!

Apparently if someone says your name to get your attention you're not supposed to reply "that's my name". There was me thinking it was a simple way to let them know I was paying attention

There are still ten days until my next UC payment and I have £33 I begged from @lucypaw.bsky.social. If anyone can spare me a little bit of money I would be pathetically grateful 🥺 ko-fi.com/ksej2610

Doctor Ratfucker: I can't let you take testosterone and not commit to chest surgery, then you would be a man with breasts My favourite cis bloke off Grindr: haha we both have moobs, that's cool

What is it with sports teams acting like I'm a fan just because I once bought tickets to see my team play against them? Today it's Birmingham Phoenix, although in their defence, xCLP is a fan