What do you do about the desire to sit on your own leg at your desk cause ✨comfy✨ but also not have horrible prickly pins and needles

In light of everything that's happening recently: I'm not your mother. I'm not childproofing my spaces when children aren't supposed to be in my spaces anyway. Maybe parents should actually pay attention to/monitor what their young kids are doing online rather than put the burden on everyone else.

Yes, businesses desperately trying to flog their useless AI to me, it is true that AI can be used for many wondrous things. For example, yesterday I used it to show me what I looked with a septum piercing. Fwiw, jury’s still out.

I feel like going back through your own feed to see if you’re funny is like smelling your own farts and being kind of pleased #sheerego

Got into it with a guy at Neros for being creepy to the baristas (him not me). I’m what’s wrong with the world. Good.

My roomba clearly has anxiety and I can’t find anything online about mindfulness for AI.

How your email finds me

I have a theory that once a person gets to a certain level of wealth they look more and more like an alien wearing a human suit. Their faces always look like if you pinched some skin and pulled it would kind of snap back like elastic.

Okay but how long did it take Gimli to straight up lose Galadriel’s hair? She didn’t even give him a baggie to put them in.

Please hire me to be your town sorcerer. I can't summon the aurora borealis but I can smear green slime against townspeople's windows when they look outside. I can fill in doughnuts with doughnut holes. I can point enthusiastically at birds and misidentify what species they are.

The internet accurately reflecting the human condition.

Daddy’s home and he’s mad you keep pulling the curtains closed when you get changed.

Big big BIG mood (said in same tone as you’d say ‘oh BIG stretch’ to a dog)

In a situation that smells like impending brainrot (am I using that right?) I find myself increasingly attracted to Lee Jung-jae…

Dropped the lid for my really nice fountain pen into my tea. Kind of a metaphor for my day.

Okay I ate so many marshmallows I feel a bit sick, now what?

When your angst doesn’t fit into 300 characters.

Honestly can’t tell if this cast is on right or if I’m fucking up my wrist by using a keyboard and no idea how to find out

It’s over. Raising Dawn was the book equivalent of extra wet flannel, eggs, and a weird subtext about abortion but it’s done. #twihard

Renesmee (sp??) wanting to read Tennyson is fucking hilarious, I know a kid that age and their favourite book is about a sentient stick. #twihard

Bella sounds like her vampire self is basically Bella Goth. #twihard

Jacob’s chapter titles in Breaking Dawn are good though. #twihard

The imprinting thing remains super-gross even if the kid is kind of a dick. #twihard

Bella spends her entire honeymoon eating eggs? Impressive, glad Edward doesn’t need to use the toilet after her though. #twihard

Oh my god the wedding night in Breaking Dawn. Edward would be the pillow biting type, nasty little slut that he is. #twihard

I’m assuming I lose all my feminist credentials and possibly have been broken down mentally as I actually went ‘aww’ for Edward getting to introduce Bella as his wife. #twihard

‘We’ve only practiced certain scenes’ - Bella suckin that d like an ice lolly #twihard

This Jacob/Bella stuff is trying me. Jacob needs to take a hint and get a grip jfc. #twihard

Hahaha the talking about virginity stuff in Eclipse is killing me oh my god #twihard

When you equate vampirism with sex, Edward’s worry that turning Bella into a vampire will make her an insatiable killing machine is legit hilarious #twihard

Oh, no, Charlie just told Jacob well done for being assault-y. Dang it. Maybe Angela instead? Is that the name of her pal? #twihard

Oh no Jacob I was on your side until you decided to get all assault-y. Now I don’t know who to like. Maybe Charlie? #twihard

‘I wanted his venom to poison my system…’ Ew. #twihard

The glorious combination of ‘I can’t get my arm comfortable in this goddamn cast’ and having to type an essay on data models. Fuck this.

Oh my god Jasper was a CONFEDERATE soldier I only just took that in right now #twihard

So I haven’t hated Eclipse as much as the other ones but there was a line where they said the only redeemable feature of the characters was their love and it’s like babe not even that #twihard

I high-key love this music video youtu.be/TQBG7wAVWAA?...

Yes Bella, thirty years old is basically dead, I’d be worried too… #twihard

So I looked it up and Native American culture holds a lot of significance for long hair. Does that mean it’s super awkward/racist/tone-deaf that apparently being in the wild club means cutting one’s hair? #twihard

Again with the hard skin thing, why are vampires like this? Is it like, a protective thing? Do they have softer skin at the joints? Are their insides also hard? Are vampires basically silly straws with faces stapled to them?? #twihard

Bella accuses Jessica of ‘turning to the dark side’ because *checks notes* Bella ignored her for months, asked her on a night out, acted like a total dick the whole time including trying to wind up someone who might assault her, then went back to ignoring her. What a bitch, amirite. #twihard

Ngl Bella getting the stomach flu is the most I’ve liked her so far. #twihard

Bella continues to annoy the crap out of me, if I was Charlie I’d’ve called time on her bullshit after the first month of extreme sulking. #twihard

First two pages of New Moon had my eyes roll right out of my head and the room and the house and right into space jfc. #twihard

Everyone in the Cullen household wears beige. 100 years of fashion & that’s the best they can come up with?? #twihard

Bella keeps talking about how he’s cold like marble and all I can think is how it’s going to be like getting dicked by an ice lolly #twihard

Okay but they’re doing charged but oh-so-chaste face touching and she poked him right in the eye. Nice. #twihard

So I (17f) went on a date with an older guy (won’t tell me his age). He showed up in the same shirt as me, spent quite a lot of time telling me about how he could kill me & described me as his brand of heroin. What should I wear on our second date? (My fave colour is brown & I like jeans) #twihard

Edward is like ‘we match’ so does that mean he’s wearing exactly the same sleeveless top as Bella? I hope so. #twihard