If theres a body by Jake, then Jake will naturally be my number one suspect.

If you bend over a little when sneezing, you're a little shorter at that moment. And if you measure it, thats your gesund height.

(Singing in Andrew Lloyd Weber's Cats Voice) A TC Tugger has a curious knob......

Absolutely TRANSCENDENT "2 Dead 2 Salesman" production happening at the Winter Garden. From the initial pulse pounding car chase sequence to the final triumphant ensemble singalong number of Ludacris' "I Got Hoses in Different Area Codeses." ⭐️⭐️. (The two stars being Nathan Lane and Laurie Metcalf)

Once again my #bestwronganswers ranking far exceeds my end-of-season ranking.

For 13 seconds I was very very proud of our astronauts.

There's more to the lyrics of Rockin' Robin than we're giving credit for.

Congratulations to Sinners on its Oscars success. The last 3 times they made a movie about a pair of Jordans, it wasnt as good.

Dont know what my barber is expecting me to put in this envelope, but the postage is paid, so 🤷

And no height was left unwuthered.

Yeah I do Romanian deadlifts. Lately I can bench press 4 Draculas.

I just feel like monsters should be named after what's scary about them. Cyclops? Nah, he's a Mean Big Boy.

Time for Seattle to let some of the second stringers get some playtime. (The second stringers are members of Mudhoney, probably.)

No offense to the one from SNL, but given his magnetic ability to cultivate an audience's calls-and-responses, Cab Calloway was clearly the original Hi-Dee Gardner. #superbowl

They should have little 30 second sports matches at regular intervals a few times an hour during the CLIO awards just to make it fair.

I think the Mr. Bean franchise have been more popular if it had started as a novel the way Richard Curtis originally planned. Or less popular. Or the same popular.

Superstition says you can't say Auld Lang Syne at a New Years Party. We call it "the Scottish song."

I dont think they should have inducted Jeffry Epstein into the #RockAndRollHallOfFame tonight. Like, read the room. #RockHall2025 #RockHall #MusicHistory

Have some respect....

@learnedleague.com Thorsten, what are you doing to me with this promotion to A? I'm a-scared.

I know this guy, and yes, you should get ready.

Um, ok, if I suddenly retire and if I suddenly have my balls gold-plated this December, its because of this Christmas song i just wrote.

Me sampling jerky at a mall kiosk: "This jerky tastes so good, it had to have been made by a 12 year old boy who wasn't wearing a hat." Employee at @matthatjerky.bsky.social kiosk: "Buckle up, fucko, cause I'm about to blow your mind."

More like Paul Midwesterberg.

If you look at the name of this national forest, you'll notice that its name is exactly Waluigi spelled backwards. This should tell you that something is afoot.

An assortment of numbers between 1 and 75, arranged in a 5 by 5 grid with a free space in the middle spot? I didnt have that on my bingo card.

Broke my duolingo streak today. Now I don't know if I even WANT to learn Nell.

I don't trust anyone that's got a skeleton inside them. Have you seen those things?!

Much health and healing to the deceased and his festival.

Turning Point's stuff has gone downhill the past couple days.

He's in heaven now, making amazing music with Jimi Hendrix, Janis Jopin, Franz Liszt, and Bruce Springsteen. I imagine him playing hambone percussion.

Ok, but whose phone should I be using?

I hope the Pentagon is ordering some cuh-RAZY bread, on accounta how insane the whole thing is.

They full on made C. Thomas Howell do whiteface in The Outsiders....smh

There's nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't be Air Budd Dwyer.

In Soviet Russia, Shudder presents Corn in the Clownfield.

TV detective: These are some pretty intense lyrics. He must have had a lot of enemies. What parent WOULDN’T want to throttle him for filling their kids’ heads with trash? Slain pop punk musician via music video: 🎵 Some cats may call me rude, but they just hate my doggie ‘tude! Woof!

How many Stamps does it take to send an actor to heaven? Terrence Stamp. Delete.

The 1980s were just a Lengthiest Buttock competition.

Kids used to be into Sit Ubu Sit, and now all they talk about is Shit Labubu Shit.

If you love dictionary co-authors so much, why don't you Merriam?

Adjusted for inflation, he's probably a Chabillionaire by now.

It stands for Heating, Ventilation, and All Cops.

Secretive Harold Wrong, the world's most famous demolitionist.

The French call it fromage because, well, fromage 0 to age 100, they're eatin' that cheese.

@mikeshardlemonade.bsky.social will there be a Mike's Amazing Hard Mayonnaise collab in the future?

Earth, Sweat, Nash, and Palmer.

Kids these days are into Cowboy Carter. In my day they were more into GAMEboy cartRIDGE.

Almost finished reading "A Distant Mirror." Barbara Tuchman really out there showing us the whole Coucy.

If you're tired of frivolity like I am, remember...in case you find any of those garish, vandalized eggs around this weekend, you can use Comet powder and elbow grease to scrub them back to their natural color.