When I was in 5th grade I told my math teacher mom I didn’t need to learn math because the only thing I’d need to know as an adult was how to sign autographs- and dammit, I was right.

Men like RFK Jr. are all in favor of you breastfeeding until you do it in public.

Just got my flu and COVID shots- can’t wait for the tentacles to grow in! 🥰

The main thing I wish I’d known before I got married is that my husband claps on the 1 and 3.

In solidarity with Pantone, the American Snack Association has just announced that crackers are the 2026 Snack of the Year.

My daughter’s friend sent her a tutorial on how to do their chemistry homework and my daughter sent back a tutorial on how to do heatless curls, and honestly, this is the kind of women supporting women action we need.

Thanks for the detailed instructions on how to exit the doctor’s office, but now I need you to repeat everything since I was concentrating on having the facial expressions of a model patient while you were talking.

Shout out to the guy loudly conducting his Zoom business meeting in this Starbucks sans earbuds. We all suspected Jim was going to screw up the templates, and now we have confirmation.

Uh oh, I’ve procrastinated too much and now I’m really behind. I wonder if procrastinating more will help. -A memoir

I love how Scrooge asks if all three spirits can visit him at once to get it over with, as if he’s not getting up every hour to go to the bathroom anyway.

It’s just not Thanksgiving until a celeb posts a video wishing you a happy Thanksgiving from their multi-million dollar, monochromatic home to yours.

I've never been in a stampede but I've gone to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving, so samesies.

Can’t wait for Campbell’s to release their new gruel line of soups. 😋

I loved Wicked, but the scene with Fiyero and Elphaba felt like

Good advice for Thanksgiving and for life: don’t argue with people who drive parallelograms.

Saw Wicked today with my whole family- including my husband and teenage twins- and here’s my hot take: we all loved it and had a great time.

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second commandment is ‘Don’t let trans people compete in women’s sports.’” (Matthew 22:37–40)

My reaction to a heart-wrenching, remorseful ballad in my 20s: Omg sooo romantic and broody!! *swoon* My reaction to a heart-wrenching, remorseful ballad in my 40s: Yeah but what'd he do though.

Slow down, MTG- we can only fit so much material into our Thanksgiving MAGA relative roasts!

"“The first time I caught up to them, I could tell that they already knew who I was,” he told me when we first spoke on the phone in late October. “They had seen me before, so they thought they were just going to speed away. I was like, ‘Ha ha, bitches, I got a new scooter!’”

When my kid eats the ice cream I’d hidden under the frozen vegetables

Inspirational post: May you have the confidence of the man with the most punchable face in politics, launching a presidential campaign no one wants

Blasting Phantom from your room when you’re upset is the most theater kid thing ever. Think of how much better off the world would be if someone had just introduced jazz hands to this man at a formative age instead of real estate and fuckery.

The important thing is not whether the Trump performing sexual favors for Bill Clinton thing is true. The important thing is that we all pretend it’s true, and that someone asks Trump about it every day.

Them: What if Bill Clinton is in the Epstein files, libs? Then what are you gonna do??? Us: Probably make a bunch of bomb ass jokes idk

See kids, when two presidents love each other very much…

She couldn’t really give you an opinion about what’s been going on guys, she hasn’t been following the news lately.

A German business contact just thanked me for my "prompt and efficient response," so I'll be riding that high for a while.

A new age guru turned out to be a morally repugnant person? Now I've heard everything!

I have trouble with commas, but apparently not as much as Epstein. So that’s at least two things I’ve got over him.

One cool thing about 2025 is every few weeks a new part of the world gets to see the northern lights, but like somehow it’s never your part?

Y'all laugh now, but eventually Kris Jenner is going to reverse age all the way back to a fetus and she's gonna have more rights than any of us.

A trillion dollars can buy a lot of salve, but it still won’t be enough for this burn.

I have a working theory that he capitalizes Unnecessary Words when he knows he’s lying and is trying extra hard to sell his bullshit.

Serve it with anything crunchy, like potato chips, or the charred remains of our journalistic integrity.

Fitness instructor: You need a band, Leslie. Me: Oh yeah, you think? 😀 I only play piano and I’m kinda rusty but it'd be cool... Fitness instructor: An elastic band. We're doing resistance work. Me: ...oh. 😞

I used to work at a place with like 90% women, and the part I miss most is when we’d gather together with our pointed hats and cauldrons to curse the men.

Ladies, don’t forget it’s work from home Friday, so today you can just fuck shit up there instead of at the office.

Me, determined to enjoy my alone time while my kids are burning the house down

"Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a city where everyday residents have to work three jobs and are under constant threat of eviction. Anything short of an excruciating existence for the working class just doesn’t cut it for me."

I couldn’t help but wonder- would I have to start faking medical emergencies to get the attention I deserve?

The people who peaked in high school are having the worst night.

These election results are the perfect send off for Dick Cheney. 🥰

The people who have equated NYC with Sodom and Gomorrah for decades are now very concerned that it will be destroyed.

"Life is about decisions. Either you write 100,000 words a day or you meet people and develop ties of affection. You can’t do both."

Someone just called me ‘doña,’* so if you need me I’ll be over here picking out a cane and hard candies. *Like ‘señora,’ but 100 times older

That’ll do baseball. That’ll do.

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus refuses to distribute the loaves and fishes in order to teach self-reliance, and then mocks the hungry by eating the food in front of them. Just classic Jesus.

Why wouldn’t you unironically throw a Great Gatsby party when it has such a happy ending? 🥰

I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re the corn chowder Andy spilled on her poly-blend sweater on her first day at Runway