DAVID: Well it’s a sexual thing, really isn’t it? Aside from the identifying the boys do with us there’s also a re-reaction to the female.....of the female to our music. How did you put it?

NIGEL: No, alright ‘A’, exhibit ‘A’. Now we move on to this, look, look who’s in here? No one! And then in here there’s a little guy, look! So it’s, it’s a complete catastrophe! IAN: You’re right, Nigel, Nigel calm down, calm down.

DAVID: We toured the world, we toured the States... DEREK: We toured the world and elsewhere.

NIGEL: No.

we are such fans of your music, and all of your records. DEREK: That’s great HOOKSTRATTEN: I am not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll... DAVID: I can understand that. DEREK: It’s a great genre.

IAN: It’s a very unimportant reason, it’s just that they’re experimenting with, with some new uh...packaging materials. Let me get the door. DEREK: What kind of experimenting? What they got monkeys opening it or what?

MARTY: How old were you guys when you met? DAVID: Eight years old. Eight or nine. NIGEL: You were eight and I was seven. DAVID: That’s right, yeah. MARTY: Do you remember the first song that you guys ever wrote together? DAVID: ‘All the Way Home’, probably.

DAVID: ..37 people’s been in this band over the years. I mean it’s like, you know, six months from now, I can’t see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss Ross McLochness, or Ronnie Pudding, or Danny Upham, or Little Danny Schindler, or any of those, you know...

DEREK: Straight through. Rock ‘n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!!

<Vandermint Auditorium> NIGEL: Ian, can I have a word with you for a minute? IAN: Yes, of course. NIGEL: ...uh, a couple of problems with the... IAN: What? NIGEL: ...arrangments backstage... IAN: What exactly? NIGEL: Well, uh.. IAN: What, I mean...

We came like babies From our home across the sea to see America And the people opened up their arms To welcome us... to America

DEREK: Probably work with children.

PROMOTER: I heard you boys got an album coming out. DAVID: Yeah, it’s called ‘Smell the Glove’ it should be out now, yeah...yeah... PROMOTER: Smell the Glove? EXTRA: It’s a provocative title. DAVID: Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover, very provcative indeed.

Another bit of HARDER. There are words, if you listen carefully. 🎸 dereksmalls.ffm.to/harder

NIGEL: And then you..everything has to be folded, and then it’s this, and I don’t want this. I want large bread so that I can put this... IAN: Right

TERRY: Get your hands back. DAVID: It’s OK, we know’m, it’s Spinal Tap. TERRY: Sure.

There's a pulse in the new-born sun A beat in the heat of noon

The china's so dear and the treacle so clear And I'm glad that you are here

NIGEL: You like this? MARTY: It’s very nice ...it looks like Halloween...

DAVID: What? DEREK: Jazz odyssey!

And oh, how they danced The little children of Stonehenge Beneath the haunted moon For fear that daybreak might come too soon

DAVID: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one moment because I’ve got, you know, something I’d like to show you. These, uh, Jeanine’s been working on these very hard. These are a new direction...

IAN: If the company is behind the album it can shove it right down their throats.

JEANINE: The band’s sign is Virgo, and we see it’s Saturn in the third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But, because Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the Zodiac, we’re gonna pull through this, with great aplomb.

NIGEL: Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind or... or do uh... freelance... selling of some sort of... uh... product, you know...

DEREK: You know, we’ve grown musically... I mean, listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid...

<Dressing Room, last gig of the tour> DEREK: We’ll make ‘em miss us.

DAVID: I see, this way. DEREK: Straight through. Rock ‘n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!!

ARTIE: I love you guys, and... NIGEL: Yeah. ARTIE: And of course, Nigel.

<Airport security> ASO: Excuse me, sir, do you have any metal objects in your pockets? DEREK: Yeah.

DAVID: ..if the universe is indeed infinite then how what does that mean? How far is is t...is all the way and then if it stops what’s stoppin’ it and what’s behind what’s stoppin’ it, so what’s the end, you know, is my...question to you....

JEANINE: The band’s sign is Virgo, and we see it’s Saturn in the third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky.

MICK: The Food! The Food!...Ahhhhh...owwww...ohhhh ?: The food! RSG: Oh, thank god, civilization! Where do I put this?

NIGEL: Cry, cry, cry all the way home... DAVID: ...fairly simple..... there’s about six words in the whole song, you know. MARTY: Sounds like a big hit. DAVID: Just repeat them over and over again.

NIGEL: I think he’s right, there is something about this, that’s that’s so black, it’s like; “How much more black could this be?” and the answer is: “None, none... more black.”

NIGEL: Who’s that? DAVID: Jeanine. She’s going to come meet us. She was supposed to do this uh window layout for Neil Kite’s Boutique, but it’s not until April.

IAN: I have a small piece of bad news. Although it may not be that bad. MICK: For a change, you mean?

They never knew what hit them, said the Spaniards later on Empire! It was here and now it's gone

I know, for I told me so And I'm sure each of you quite agrees The more it stays the same, the less it changes

The looser the waistband The deeper the quicksand Or, so I have read

And that's the Majesty of Rock The Mystery of Roll The darning of the sock The scoring of the goal

DAVID: She says she can hear that I’m eating too much sugar on the phone, she says my larynx is fat.

And I'm gonna cry, cry, cry All the way home All the way home All the way home

I wanted to capture the, the sights, the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working rock band on the road. And I got that. But I got more, a lot more.

DEREK: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like “Sex Farm”, we’re taking a sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music... MARTY: ...and put it on a farm?

DAVID: It’s a way to fight the drabs. You know we’ve got the drabs. NIGEL: Well that’s true. I think mine would look good - better in doubly. If it was done in doubly.... JEANINE: Oh shut up!!!

NIGEL: No, we don’t literally mean it, but we’re not racists.

DAVID: Fine drummer... MARTY: What happened to him?

NIGEL: Well don’t point, even.MARTY: Don’t even point?

(pause) DEREK: Can I raise a practical question at this point? DAVID: Yeah. DEREK: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow? DAVID: No we’re not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!!