This brewery tour looks like it’s going to be great fun, apart from the fact that every other person on the tour looks like the kind of person who’d do a brewery tour on a Wednesday afternoon.

I would do literally ANYTHING to not be just completely exhausted for 12 consecutive hours.

I’ll give no context but my father has just said to me ‘if it weren’t for Bernie Clifton I’d have killed myself or someone else’

The 18th Century British Navy would be so pissed off at you all acting like life giving you lemons was a bad thing.

Imagine a TV show with Stephen Graham and Tom Hollander. Could be about anything and would be the greatest TV show ever. Stephen Graham and Tom Hollander in: ‘Posting a couple of letters and popping to Aldi’ runs for 10 series and wins every BAFTA and Emmy all 10 years. A modern masterpiece.

I’d change my name

Sure the whole thing is weird but the main takeaway for me is how basic Stormzy’s McDonalds order is.

Maga lads hate it when you deadname the Gulf of America. Which is a lovely irony.

Written a kids tv show that will teach colonialism and Spanish. Conquista-Dora the Explorer

The Northern Irish lad who works at the coffee shop on Brighton Station concourse is very simply the nicest man in the world.

I truly think the best version of me is the optimistic idiot who prepares overnight oats before bed every night. He’s way better than the bacon sandwich coveting goblin that wakes up every morning.

Everytime they interview someone mega old they always say their secret is something like ‘4 fags a day, 9 raw eggs at 3am and never forgiving a grudge’.

I’ll be completely honest, I reckon it’d take more than one rodeo for me to be totally au fait with it.

emember my mum that was annoyed that the Gavin and Stacey finale didn’t end in a, and I use her words here, fatal bus crash? Well she’s just told me that she wasn’t overly keen on the film Wonka as she felt it was too skewed towards appealing to children. The film based on the children’s book.

What is Biff Tannen’s favourite: 1: Filler word 2: Greeting 3: 2000’s rockish boy band?

I’ve never seen a single Three Musketeers adaptation where any of them even goes near a fucking musket.

I think we really overlook the fact that in episode 2 of Gavin and Stacey the armed police response unit point 3 assault rifles at Gavins head and it’s just never mentioned again.

Rule at every British funeral. One person has to turn up in a fleece and those trainers that are for hiking.

My 2 year old woke up at 5 and refused to go back to bed. She’s now demanding everyone play ‘pretend nap’ and I’ve never been angrier.

Adults in the UK reach 60 and then swap their tv remote for a collection of Rube Goldberg boxes that simultaneously are all necessary and yet also absolutely useless.

I would happily advertise PomBear for 0 pounds. In fact I will. Pombears. Fantastic. Best crisp out there. But some.

My mums just watched the Gavin and Stacey finale. SECONDS after it finished she turned to me and said ‘well where’s the finality, that’s not an ending!!’ I asked her what she’d expected. AND SHE SAID ‘I thought they’d all be in a bus crash’

Please help settle an argument. I’m not a huge fan of roulade (which was on offer) so instead opted for a few guylian shells with cream. Unconventional yes, but genius.

I don’t care if it makes me basic, but I bloody love Gavin and Stacey and that was superb.

If I ever discovered time travel, before I dealt with the big issues like Jack the Ripper or baby Hitler I would simply go back to 1995 and swap my dinner money for a three bed semi with a garden in central London.

Just found a website where people have transcribed episode of Midsomer Murders. That’s all it is. Good odds the people who contribute have at least one item of clothing made out of a person.

News written by a drunk AI: JFK’s nephew hates the polio vaccine.

The Getting Ready song from Hey Duggee has absolutely no right to slap as hard as it does.

It’s a completely undeniable law of the universe that the Boosts are always next to the Double Deckers.

I have reached a new level of parental frustration. My 2 year old boldly DEMANDED, out of nowhere I may add, a cheese omelette. And was then FURIOUS at me for there being cheese in it.

Finding it hard to get motivated today. Probably fatigued from all the battles of the Somme I’ve been in recently.

My name is Luigi Mangione. You killed millions of people. Prepare to die. My name is Luigi Mangione. You killed millions of people. Prepare to die.

I love watching Physical 100. Critiquing form, strength and agility of some of the worlds top athletes. All whilst spraying half chewed pombears all over the place.

The amount of people on tv shows that use a stove top kettle with a whistle is insane. I can only assume all television is funded by Big Steam.

The life insurance company in charge of the account for the murdered CEO have a chance to do the funniest thing that’s ever happened.

Think you know Will Duggan? Think you can put Will Duggan in a box? Wrong. Guess again baby.

I don’t follow enough people On here to have a full and active timeline. Please may I have your recommendations of accounts to follow to make the 20 hours a day I spend looking at my phone nice?

I’m glad it’s back, but I don’t think it needed some of this stuff?

Given the amount and variety of questions she asks during any film I can only assume my mother thinks I’m very powerful behind the scenes in Hollywood.

Look. I posted this on Instagram. But I like it here so I’m chucking you my good stuff to get your friend and mine, engagement. So enjoy!

Imagine being mates with someone and them seeing them open the stocks app on their phone completely on purpose. Disgusting.

Sometimes in the morning if I’m feeling too good and happy I open Twitter and just squash that feeling down within seconds. It’s not glamorous work, but it’s a good honest way to bring about spiralling anxiety. So I shan’t stop.

Watched the BBC Lucan documentary today. Here’s a bit of fun. Lord Lucan bought his Belgravia home in 1967 for £17500. In 2024 that money is worth £272 000. Average house price in Belgravia today is FOUR MILLION. SLEEP WELL EVERYONE.

Big news. I’ve put Bluesky on my home screen in the place Twitter once inhabited. Suck it Elon.

It’s been an amazing birthday THANKS FOR ASKING. Highlight was probably my daughter deciding that it was actually her birthday and claiming all my cards for her own.

If the suggested people to follow and things I’m being shown Bluesky thinks I’m a lot more Swedish than I thought I was.

Oh my. Hedging my bets here now. I just miss Twitter!!!