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Witnessed a crime

Seeing things clearly now.

Won’t buy a Rolls Royce

Looking for noise-cancelling paint

Trying to get on the celeb cam

Max Blade

Does anyone know how to get around Venmo’s character limit?

Met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time tonight. Couldn’t have gone worse. Only goal was to make a good first impression and instead I accidentally walked in on her dad going to the bathroom 11 times in two hours.

Hell yes. Just hit a $900 prop bet (I bet my friend Luke that everyone at the party would have a good time and we’d leave thankful for one another’s friendship)

Literally all I want.

Super Bowl cake

Super Bowl Football Hunt

Oh hell yes.

Wrote a football poem

Stop using AI for customer service!!!

Kohler Recalls 30,000 Bathtubs Shipped With Nude Man Already Inside theonion.com/kohler-...

Help

2025 not off to a good start.

Blackout drunk. Screaming at my family that The Grinch was radicalized by the Whos’ own Whobris. "The Earth is littered with the ruins of empires that believed they were eternal". We ‘ve learned nothing from Iraq

F my brother-in-law. Christmas is supposed to be about of love and family. It is NOT about stopping dinner and demanding everyone put down their forks “until we find out who did that to the bathroom.” HE ruined Christmas. Not me.

Waited too long to do my Christmas shopping and now only Walgreens is open. Fuck it. Everyone’s getting a knee brace.

Hello. There is a new St. Denis Medical on NBC tonight at 8pm and streaming tomorrow on Peacock. It’s our Christmas episode so I used AI to edit this photo.

Spent $29 on the @AMC Conclave popcorn bucket

Getting caught up on Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Unbelievable

Hello. There is a new St. Denis Medical on NBC tonight at 8pm and streaming tomorrow on Peacock.

The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m blackout drunk in the garage while my son takes his first steps. My wife begs me to look over but I’m staring at our roof, wondering if the height could break my legs. “No.” I whisper.

Hate having to send these texts

Hosting Thanksgiving this year

Elon Musk is worth $347,800,000,000. But our brains aren’t evolved to conceptualize numbers that big. So think of it like this: if I gave you $1 every day it would take 347,800,000,000 days to accumulate his net worth. Does that seem fair?

Hello. There is a new St. Denis Medical on NBC tonight at 8pm and streaming tomorrow on Peacock.

Wish I could check this out

It's been three years but it feels like so much longer. Miss you every day, Grandma Gene. ❤️

I was diagnosed with ADHD this year (at age 36!!!) and here’s some of the signs I should have noticed sooner (🧵):

🎅🏻

Damn.

Marfge Simpson

🐶

Hi everyone. The Onion, with the help of the Sandy Hook families, has purchased InfoWars. We are planning on making it a very funny, very stupid website. We have retained the services of some Onion and Clickhole Hall of Famers to pull this off. I can't wait to show you what we have cooked up.

Won’t buy a property with a pool.

Turns out there’s actually no speakeasy behind my laundromat. It was an lie my nephew told me and I spent $39 and 45 minutes trying to climb through every dryer in the fucking place.

This is what happens when I try to be vulnerable

Everyone at this July 4th party is pissed at me because I keep explaining how “Born In The USA” is actually a sad song about a lack of social safety nets for US veterans and I diarrheaed in the pool twice.

So hard to write this. Today my soulmate became my angel. Tiphany passed away suddenly this morning while shopping. Her hat broke her neck.

Need to find these shorts.

Leaving out some cereal for my mailman.

Technology has honestly made it so hard to make real friends.

Yea, I'd say it's officially summer. 😎