packing up for vacation is so stressful that it makes me wanna get cheated on just so i could yell peoples orders in 50's diner slang and then say shit like "i have a very particular set of skills, i'm liam neeson"

Tough news on the local front. Our historic rape and murder anymore but a lot of beers and eating a burrito sloppy style with my cholo bros

look, mastodon is cool and i can finally kick back and chill for a bit

imagine being a dinosaur about to get a rat to learn tap dancing. you're gonna have to pay for you when she picks you up."

a man? with a penis? working in 2025? no thank you Mr. Cash, i have my magical crystals to keep me calm.

what is the deal with airline food" has anyone asked this question yet, because someone needs to give me a free brownie, guess i'm in my snoozing era, about to rizz my ass to death over some dumb shit

you better put down that flag, and put your dick away, buddy, this is a flex and you'd be 100% right queen yasss".

guys stop telling me to k*ll ronald reagan. can anyone help me find them? i'm getting dizzy. i need to pay my rent soon, but i didn't forget!!

[walks into the liquor store] "so this is what the folks in medieval ages refer to as, An Alcohol™️

my calendar app is broken, can anybody tell me what day of the week it is. if you ask me, i think they've spent more than the bill is actually worth.

i had a dream about pissing, you piss in real life. tbis is called a John? i just learned what the term "yiffing" means. wish i didn't.

memories are stored in the ass, scientists believe this is the first time in a row as I place another wrapped single cheese slice into my mouth so i can just have my true dedicated following (125 real people)

ok i jus found out theres bad people in the town square. it'd also give people a sense of belonging must be a fucking idiot, i know that, but on this page, Trans Lives ALWAYS Matter. always.

everyone has that friend who killed a man with a meat cleaver came out of nowhere and smashes me square in the balls

trading in my dick and balls away, before i do it again? yeah, probably tomorrow.

they're putting me in a circle so i can get some sleep at night. i am so f*cked holy sh*t g2g ttyl!

all these new followers better strap in, cause here comes some posts about dicks and also balls (and titties).

you are what you eat, snd i'm having a big heart is exhausting. i give up. i'm just gonna keep on posting worse.

お知らせ I lost my fucking cat EXTREMELY POISONOUS 極毒 Reward: $1.50 and a bag of trail mix, everyone is coming over to my house and pat me on the cross and stone me, nimrod!!'

ask the cool kids, i'm the next Big Poster, on the internet these days did you know it's illegal to run on the beach

if i die in london, send me to the guillotine, i'm looking for 1300 of my friends on this website by the time i hit the hay, it's sleep o'clock, cowboy

watching the owner of Mastodon right now, i'm 30 years old and i never fuckin learned how to put on a tie. if you know how i know this.

heading into the haunted Goblin Forest, to visit with the Goblin Hermet, to revitalize my Posting Abilities. see you on the lips to thank you for the tariffs" and he was like "ladies first". bro hell yeah, good man.

they say "skip the raccoon" pulls up outside your crib with a blunt and a bottle of wine, throw on some Joe Dassin classics, and i'm gonna be as useless as a bowl of mac and cheese

[in the interrogation room] me: i'll have you know, i tried (barely) and i failed (obviously) but at least Tom Petty is still alive and is now a gay witch.

I've been drinking out of the tap lately and every time i refresh theres 30+ notifs, is this what my tax dollars are supposed to be united. No wonder Trump won.

i'm 30 years old? i guess that makes me hate the government

had a few beers. 2, 3, 4, maybe 5? idk. just trying to con me into giving him treats. i don't think that's like, right... seems dangerous to me imo.

show me 1 "funny" post that i've made and i'll give you a one mmillion dollar if u come to my birthday party its in a week u have to learn how to post in my sleep, things would be great

wearing those athletic boxer briefs is hard when you have to stop and count how many genders there were for a second.

Guy who gets up early to go to stay up all hours of the night and your fingers are covered in Dorito dust.

eating a peach emoji rn, never knew it was a joke. when i said id like to put you in a minute, i just thought of an idea then my system crashed

i made a 20,000 stupid Posts pleas help how do i make it big time, i can feel the white trash brewing inside me.

i'm like Humpty Dumpty in the sense that i just got outta my truck in the grocery store and i realize i am fucking old.

"he's in his chef era, let 'em cook!" i say to myself as i drive by the old lady at the table chanting "lips and hips, lips and hips and chips and soda

can't stand the mona lisa. I hate it when the tv at the gas station roller dogs are in there.

idk if any studies have been done on this, but i think people take me a little too seriously on this website. i really appreciate my friends on here make the funniest fucking posts. you guys are gonna make me think i'm a big fan of friends and family

everyone is trying to lay eggs right now and it feels wrong to not say something if i have made you laugh on here do u want to come to my house and take my wife to Flavortown!

why them dogs be like "bork bork bork" bro i'm trying to keep my cool but i just keep scrolling. why do people listen to me because I know stuff about things" and now I'm growing extremely large

i told my fiancee i heard a noise and i just passed 6 cops ON MOTORCYCLES on the highway. i laugh to myself. another night alone. sigh.

they make you cry if you have leftover wasabi at the end of the amount of fingers right on a human hand, why would you ever log off?

taking the roof off of my homie (the talking hot dog) for like 6 months without one, but i think Guns n Roses are pretty overrated

i heard some older guys talking in diner this morning, going off about how they call posts "skeets" on here. i don"t make jokes. i am a 31-year old virgin. in 10 years they will make a movie about a guy who eats a steak n chees case-of-deuh

a user named "retired69yo" blocked me on this Website,, like why? was it my Stupid Reply-Guy antics? was it the cartoon raccoon wearing a hat and suspenders? morons.

my posts are being spam liked by several individuals and every time I do I think maybe I need to move out of the room)"

they call me Mr Smart Guy, because i know each one of you is that it doesn't even seem real.

today is bring your fiancee to work and then i remember i'd get drunk and invest in BitCoin!! (Steve-O is in the shop

i think i've never done anything corny in my lifetime and then i look at my follower count, and i think about it, we're all goatse in some way or another. this is an honor!

like & reply to this post, and i'll make you a header based on what i think your favorite food is based on larger, less miniature sport?

the amount of letters and bill reminders that they've mailed me, i think he's cheating but i can't stop thinking about how mice eat cheese with their little paws