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Sleepy Mango Shitgibbon. 🐢💨

That's almost as big a hole as the one in the USA that I rim. 🐢💨

To become the Mango Shitgibbon's licker of the stool. 🐢💨

When my wife gave birth to identical twin girls, I decided to name them Kate, and Duplikate. 🐢💨

My girlfriend just said, "why are they called ATM machines, when the M already stands for machine? Surely they should just be called AT machines?" "Because there's more that eighty of them." 🐢💨

and the US is not present www.youtube.com/live/p0xO7uq...

#SpotTheScammer @michaell90.bsky.social "Michael William" reversible names🚩pestering people to invest in cryptocurrency. Hasn't mastered how to use Google translate, so posts are illiterate. This is a crypto scammer. I can't trace the man whose images he's using.

A criminal court in Brussels on Wednesday convicted two Polish nationals – including a current European Parliament assistant – of misusing EU funds tied to political entities associated with Brexit-backer Nigel Farage. https://bit.ly/4oSrA0R

My girlfriend left me after I took up limbo dancing to surprise her. I bent over backwards for that woman. 🐢💨

My girlfriend's sister has a new boyfriend. He has a PhD in the history of palindromes. My girlfriend said, "He's Dr Awkward." "She Bonks Dr Awkward's knob ehs?" 🐢💨

You there boy, yes you, the frog faced fash twat. Have you locked Sarah the racist in a padded room? 🐢💨

I lost my dictionary last night, and my girlfriend asked if I'd looked upstairs. "I can't look up anything without the dictionary." 🐢💨

Weather forecast said, 'Dense fog expected' I've been looking for Liz truss all morning, but haven't spotted her yet. 🐢💨

Andrew Mount anyone Windsor requested to appear before Congress for questioning. Hope there's a Pizza Express nearby, and sweat headbands provided. 🐢💨

I was watching Dirty Dancing with my partner last night, while we were eating dinner, and I kept surreptitiously stealing the herbs off her plate. I've had the thyme off my wife. 🐢💨 (Sorry, not sorry)

Me when my girlfriend says, "I bloody told you yesterday. Don't you remember?" 🐢💨

Three moles walking down a tunnel. One said, "I smell sugar." The second said, "I smell honey." The third one said, "I smell molasses." 🐢💨

My girlfriend just asked how I'd like my eggs, fried, boiled, or scrambled? "I don't really care, I'm eggnostic." 🐢💨

They've brought in Coffee Anan to negotiate a deal. 🐢💨

Who remembers that great Greek philosopher who wrote about social injustice? Wokerates. 🐢💨

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They've brought in Coffee Anan to negotiate a deal. 🐢💨

Anyone else find it odd that seven has even in it? 🐢💨

I once saw a man pick up two 50kg dumbells using only his toes. Amazing feat. 🐢💨

Kent County Council. 🐢💨

I told my girlfriend a joke about chocolate, caramel, and peanuts, but she didn't laugh at all. I was sure I'd get at least a snicker. 🐢💨

Breaking: Man who only believes in 12.5% of the Bible declared an eighthiest. 🐢💨

Great game I play: Open the freezer, close my eyes, grab the first thing inside, and design a meal around it. This morning I grabbed a bag of ice🙄 so I cheated and had another go: chicken thighs. Some form of Curry tonight methinks. 🐢💨

Mango Shitgibbon Trump is going to soil himself when he hears Mamdani's victory speech. ( I probably shouldn't have added 'again' after soil himself) 🐢💨

The HR dept at work has sent out a memo about the company microbiologists. Apparently, they're the same size as the other biologists. 🐢💨

Gulper Philp and Dick Lice Tice must be related. They both tell such demonstrably poor lies, that they surely both result from the same faecally infected semen dribble down a village idiots leg. 🐢💨

The Mango Shitgibbon has had more than one stroke, and grope, in his life. #Trump 🐢💨

I spotted a fantastic advert earlier: Digital radio for sale £2.50, volume stuck on full. I thought, "I can't turn that down." 🐢💨

My girlfriend just told me the grass in the garden looks good this morning. "I covered it in protein powder. It was whey over dew." 🐢💨

When I end up in that warm place down below and Satan welcomes me with, "Congratulations, you've wasted your entire pitiful life," I'll reply, "At least I'm not an adult living in my dad's basement." 🐢💨

Piers Morgan been flouncing around again today? 🐢💨

I went to a hospital appointment earlier and my girlfriend asked how it went. "I've got to have my left testicle removed." "OMG, I had my left ovary removed years ago." "Don't worry, we'll still have our reproductive rights." 🐢💨

I've just had a dump so stinky that I thought I was at a Reform Ltd meeting in a phone booth, with incontinence pants leaking everywhere. 🐢💨

Looking up death statistics (always fun and surprising) half of the 21,000 or so accidental UK deaths are falls, poisonings claim a quarter, far more than road accidents (7%) Knife/sharp object deaths account for around 260, guns 29. Less than 600 homicides per year seems remarkable for 70m people.

When my uncle Frank passed away he wanted his remains buried in his favourite German beer mug. In the hope that he'd be reincarnated. His fervent wish was to be Frank in Stein. 🐢💨

Lets play spot the superfluous L in Herr Fuhrage's champion vow. 🐢💨

People told me that running is a great way to meet people, so I decided to give it a go, and it's true. This morning I've met two paramedics, three nurses, an anaesthetist, and a cardiologist. 🐢💨

A polite policeman who always says thank you, and Socrates, are different in many ways. For eg: One is a grateful officer, the other a great philosopher. 🐢💨

Nothing else to add to it. #ukpolitics

Blacksmiths have a propensity for one crime over all others. Forgery. 🐢💨

My girlfriend has just discovered that I've replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof. 🐢💨

My girlfriend thinks I have an obsession with Astronomy. What planet is she on. 🐢💨

The only thing Flat Earthers fear, Sphere itself. 🐢💨

Last night, I said to my girlfriend, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?" 🙄 🐢💨