Why the hell did Jane Schoenbrun name that movie Penis Sex at Fuck My Asshole

women will take something called a "focus gummy" and immediately break up with you

They should make a shirt that bursts into flames and burns you to death if you spill coffee on it

It’s always so funny when you get an ad on Instagram and find out your friend follows American Airlines for some reason

If Hitler sneezed I would probably say bless you. I just know that’s the kind of guy I am. I’m a fucking coward.

Been really making myself laugh thinking about a DND character that has a wife. Yeah guys I’d love to go on this quest but lemme check with the wife first. When the other party members check into an inn for the night you go back home and sleep in bed with your wife

3 day weekend

(beastie boys sure shot) like bell hooks i got the no capitalization

if you were a true FEMINIST you wouldn't be posting about burger posting

Dookie

Male Instacart shopper brought me a bag of cold water instead of the ice I ordered. Fucking moron

10,000 year old Dan Hentschel bit found in Syria

Getting a fake id because i think i need it to put butter on my popcorn at the movies

My boss just asked me if she could borrow my phone charger like she doesn’t make $150,000 more a year than I do

Just kept a world historic poker face as my boss told me that she is Baha’i

Woman next to me on the bus saw me tweet this and immediately got up. Fairs

It’s funny that all the 764 shooters kill like 2 people and then instantly boom themselves. Obviously any loss of life is a tragedy but these are really some Mickey Mouse shooters

A popular theory in the Simpsons fandom states that Bart and Lisa aren’t siblings and are actually married

when men have a bad day at work they eat a dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich in their car in 11 seconds. when women have bad days their boss lets them work from home for a week and they spend the whole time convincing their daughter she’s paralyzed

Google Maps: hey btw if you wanna get off at this exit, drive down the road a little, do a u-turn, then get back on the highway, that would take like five extra minutes. just thought I’d let you know Me (looking down at phone, about to swerve into adjacent lane and die): thanks,

Just do a stint in jail and you'll be reading a book a day in no time

-raggy where are you I have reparation anxiety -like I don’t know if you’re allowed to say that scoob

Man, you’re a major downer. Please don’t come to any parties I attend. Murted because you kind of suck.

oh you don’t wanna fuck with that guy; he’s fucking crazy, he’s got anxiety. i seen him think about something a girl told him in high school for 12 hours once

No babe I really think your glowing red eyes look good

I like waking up hungover expecting to have sent some embarrassing texts but in reality I’ve just googled “Does gogonut water have belectrolytes” 100 times

I like how this app still basically doesn’t work at all

As a boy genius myself, I found Jimmy Neutron to be an enjoyable enough television program, even though some of the notions posited in the episodes were simply laughable to me

Something I never understood about The Dark Knight was like who were all those people and did all that really happen and if it did then why wasn’t it on the news because I feel like it should have been on the news but I guess I wasn’t old enough to be watching the news at the time so maybe it was

*waking up extremely hungover, rubbing eyes and pulling tootsie roll out of hair* ough… *looks next to me and sees woman i met at dance dance revolution machine but otherwise can’t remember* fuck… *looks across room and sees giant stuffed bear that cost 20,000 tickets* FUCK

Jane Schoenbrun was fucking tweaking calling a movie teenage sex

Hi I’m Johnny Knoxville and this is holding my breath for one second

He

I don’t think it’s wrong to watch porn in a relationship but I would be pretty upset if I like spilled a mug of coffee on my shirt and later caught my girlfriend masturbating to a video called NERD WITH TINY PENIS GETS HUMILIATED FOR SPILLING COFFEE EVERYWHERE

WHEN YOU GET PAID BIWEEKLY WEEK ONE: Buying the whole fucking bathroom 💵💵💵💵💵💵💵💵🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽 WEEK TWO: Toilet paper for dinner 🧻😕

Benghazi ain’t going away!!

I frew up

Eeby deeby

I’m smoking thag scungebob and packrick 🔥

I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids *points at me* and that gay guy

I’ve always said immigrants are some of the most cultureful members of our community

Someone at my work heated up poop in the break room microwave 🙄

I don’t practice Santaria! I don’t got no elves and Claus!

FUCK THIS PLACE

POV you are 14 years old

Student loan forgiveness getting struck down and twitter dying is legit the worst 1-2 punch since the North Tower and Tower 7

Fuck me man I had so much cool porn bookmarked. Now I’m basically on a cystic fibrosis support forum

It’s gonna kick ass when some saudi app pops up like 15 minutes after twitter officialy dies where you can import all your old tweets like hbo->max