I keep losing the wet tshirt contest and my top is fucking soaked man. It's sopping dang it.

Happy international women's day you can go to any 7 Eleven and fill up a woman! Slurpee full to the brim!

You aren't allowed in the book club!! You are not a book!!!!!!

Breathing is good and all but why doesn't oxygen taste good? I'm eating so much of this and it's bland.

I would feel so bad if I was a fish and John West rejected me

Hanging breasts off a handbag that's a laboob-boob

Banana for scale: never worn

Making a biblically accurate snow angel by just flopping around a bunch

Yes insomnia sucks but it's only one sleep til Christmas

Got an eye test and yep! Confirmed! They're eyes!

(hearing it's been declared a Total Fire Ban day) surely they don't mean my Big Fire

You gotta zooper that dooper! Zoop until you're dooped! I think I have heat stroke! Zoop doop zap dap boop!

I still could be that guy you know who builds a vert ramp in their house and breaks their arm. Any day now.

It's time for your Google Keep Wrapped! - You wrote 27 notes between midnight and 4am that mean nothing to you now! - Pretty sure there's some unlabelled passwords in here. - Hell yeah, keep pinning that motivational quote, king!!

This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "Rebecca Black is in Ballarat" is the most beautiful.

Thinking of everyone today who doesn't want to admit they still use spotify but it said they were 21

Shoutout to all the neuromilds, neuro- extra hots, and the neuro-lemon and herbs

Me? I've never been better! I'm always unwell!

I don't believe in a vengeful god but I know he'd smite an influencer opening a whole advent calendar at once.

Who's got two thumbs and can I have one?

I'm really starting to embrace an NPC lifestyle. I love to wander back and forth, I wear clothes, I threaten anyone who dares walk under my bridge, if you select the third option I stab - it's good!

Clippy ripped me off??! That mouthy cunt.

It's weird that graffiti isn't a pasta. I should be able to eat graffiti and meatballs.

Oh no! I thought I would get raptured so I spent my superannuation on little treats!! I goofed my retirement!!! Please buy my ebay labubus!!!!

Air fryer?? I hardly know her!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME CRISP UP THIS WOMAN STRANGER.

I keep worrying that I never wear sunscreen but then I remember I don't go outside. The ultimate sunscreen? Roof.

I find it difficult to relate to a lot of people but every video I see of a seal, I'm like, "I get it, man."

'The Subway' is about me. I have green hair and am there all the time. I love sweet onion chicken teriyaki.

Ah the weekend, time to catch up on my stories. (𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘬𝘵𝘰𝘬𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘮'𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴)

Um no I'VE got Bette Davis' eyes and I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM.

Michelin star chefs think they're allllll that!!! Alright cook me doritos nachos!! They would have no idea how to make dip I eat off a spoon! And they couldn't comprehend butter noodle!!!!

I was just trying to be the best court jester, I don't think I deserved to get got for contempt of court :(

"...well, is there a Mrs I???" "-THIS IS VERY SERIOUS!! You threw a cutlery drawer at the MRI-" "-I shoulda known Mr I was attractive!!" "A MAN IS DEAD"

That's old sonic the hedgehog there. Always going fast, he was. Always getting pregnant.

A 'Looka-like Cam!' graphic flashes across the baseball stadium screen as a star wipe reveals a big image of a butt. The butt image shrinks down to allow for a split screen with its looka-like, sitting in the stands. It's you. The man in the control room thinks you look like a butt.

Bought my first house, tore back the carpet and was blessed with the original flooring!! It's vintage dirt! Worms and all!!

"My dog is my doctor. A dogtor if you will-" "-ma'am I can't fill a prescription written in dog piss."

Going to a colour analysis appointment just to feel the texture of the fabrics, let me at em

I need an ambulance I can catch like uber pool, for when I've broke my leg but can hold it for a stop or two. This will save money and gives me the welcome distraction of avoiding chit chat.

UhhH yeah I've got BDE. Big Dipshit Energy 😎

Bought my first house!! Got a discount cause someone did a murder in it! Two bedrooms!!

Buying my own personal ball pit so only I can piss in it <3

I want to claim knick-knacks on tax

Gonna be the new Benson Boone but do cartwheels and scream.

SIKE!!! I'M NEVER GONNA SHUT UP!! YOU GOT GOT!

If the election goes poorly, I'm going to get so much more annoying and loud. A vote with me is a vote to silence women and isn't that what you want?? C'mon!!!!

You can't spell 'a cost of living crisis' without 'Coalition'. And yeah, I put the 'a' at the start to make it work but that's less of a stretch than their costings.

All markers are scented markers but most of them just smell like marker

Working artists have two mindsets: - Temporary income positivity or - Disappointed your precious trinkets aren't worth anything on ebay

Wait... that's not white smoke.... it's vape! Woah. That means the new pope is..... cool as hell.