Y’all are all “Back the Blue” and “You have nothing to worry about if you’re doing nothing wrong” until you got a cop behind you on a 25mph road.

Me to the cis- I love all trans people. All trans people are my siblings in Christ. I will defend them to the death and if you say an unkind word to any of them, you will be my eternal enemy. I will fight you to the gates of hell themselves. Me to other trans people- God y’all are fuckin annoying.

“Drag queens are so sexual and scantily clad!” Sir, I assure you, there is an entire mattress between you and that drag queen.

In keeping with his tradition of stealing Bell Hooks’ book titles, JD Vance’s next memoir will be titled “The will to Change (for fame, power, and Peter Thiel’s money)”

I’m writing on Substack a lot because sometimes I can’t stand to hear the sound of my own voice.

TMZ is not the hero we wanted, but honestly, it’s the hero we deserve.

Goddamn, how many nieces and nephews does Jessica Fletcher have!? #murdershewrote

Watching “Murder She Wrote” in bed with my wife because we are spiritually 78 years old.

An article about infighting.

Ah, so that’s why ICE agents needed the masks. So we wouldn’t be able to see that our suspicion they are all recently divorced alcoholic dads and 19 year old Call of Duty players has been proven overwhelmingly correct. ICE agents are just the blank profile pictures in your comments section, y’all.

Y’all don’t need $200 billion in war money. We got war at home.

An article about how creating palatable narratives around trans people in order to gain acceptance has ultimately done us a disservice.

I purchased a bidet. My life has been forever changed.

Agatha Christie is great because her works are just 1) Rich white people being miserable 2) POC looking at all of them like they are violent idiots (they are) 3) Homosexuals 4) Literally the most iconic women ever written 5) Hercule Poirot’s mustache

Sometimes people will refer to me as “Christian Lite” or “Abrahamic Lite”. No my friend, I am deeply devout. I’m just also very silly and have poor impulse control.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Dispensationalism is a death cult. It always has been.

“Operation epic fury” “Envoy for the Shield of America” These motherfuckers really do treat this country like a MMORPG, huh?

This is what happens when oligarchs control the *news*

Media- Trans people are ANGRY about the PRONOUNS JOKE in SCARY MOVIE 6 TRAILER! Trans people- No we aren’t. That’s our joke. We made it up. We’ve been telling it for like, 10 years now. Media- THEY ARE SO TRIGGERED!

Y’all are wild with this Jim Carrey shit. Like, that man is literally just aging. He may have gotten some Botox or a chemical peel or something, but most of the changes in his face are just normal signs of aging.

Going Live at 1:15

Going live at 2pm

“The Dow is over 50,000!” So, what you’re telling me is that the rich fucks who are r*ping kids are getting even richer now?

You guys know you deserve better than just “not Trump” right? You know you deserve to actually have a good life, right? And we can have good lives. But we need to dream it. Do not let fear squash your imagination. Do not let yourself settle for “not Trump”. We have time.

There’s an anime of Pam Bondi’s crash out 😭

I know people get really mad at people who say they won’t vote for Gavin Newsom. And to those people I ask “Do you genuinely want Gavin Newsom to be president? Or are you just terrified of the Republicans?” 🧵

“If we prosecute everyone in the Epstein files, the whole system will collapse!”

Republicans rn are like “IM SUCH A RED BLOODED ANERICAN MAN THAT I TURNED AWAY THE CHANCE TO WATCH BEAUTIFUL ADULT WOMEN DANCING IN ORDER TO WATCH KID ROCKS PEDOPHILE POWER HOUR!”

“Why would I watch a half time show in a language I don’t understand?” For the same reason one might watch an Opera in a language they don’t understand. Because stories can transcend language. The problem is, no one in this country has media literacy.

Idk a soul from my generation that wasn't rocking with all those Green Day songs

This moment. 💕 I’m not sure if that was Liam or just a little boy who looked like him, but either way, it was a beautiful moment. Bad Bunny gave us a vision of what America could be, and I think we all needed that right now.

On Polymarket you can now bet on how many people in a different market on Polymarket think Jesus Christ will return in this calendar year. 29% of bets say that more than 5% of bets in the Jesus Christ return market will be a "yes" 9 days from now. Anyway everyone involved in this needs jailtime.

No Kings includes Draft Kings

I know everyone is expecting big political statements, but I do think it’s kind of funny that Donald Trump isn’t there and Turning Point did their weird Kid Rock thing, and with all of them gone the Super Bowl (thus far) is just… fine and normal. 😂

Republicans are the type of people who will beat a child for looking at them wrong. Democrats are the type of people who will watch as a child wanders into a kitchen at a restaurant and steal all the knives and do nothing.

It is becoming increasingly obvious that the most humane thing we can do for billionaires is take all of their money. I am dead serious about this. 🧵

Damn, every bad thing in our society really was created so cisgender straight white men could continue to be violent and lazy, huh?

Lupita Nyong’o is fucking gorgeous. Of course she can play Helen of Troy. What the hell is wrong with yo- Oh that’s right y’all people who are complaining about this voted for a pedophile and can’t handle being with a real woman. Your opinions don’t fuckin matter.

We got told our entire lives that rich people got all their money because they are our best and brightest, only to be kicked in the teeth with thousands of rich people emails that say shit like “R u br=ngn lil gurls 2 . Partee ;)”

Y’all wanted to “trigger the libs” so bad that now you are debasing yourselves for a pants shitting pedophile. My God, have some fucking self respect.

Going live at 1:15 www.youtube.com/live/RfFJg9y...

I’m on upscrolled now share.upscrolled.com/en/user/5a1b...

I wish Erika Kirk wasn’t her particular brand of evil because the woman is literally a Joan Crawford character. Like, in another life she’s in her mansion, smoking a long cigarette, wearing a long black robe with fur sleeves and saying “You know, it’s really a shame what happened to poor Charlie”

Conservatives are suddenly coming to the realization that they can not shitpost their way out of treason charges or a righteously angry mob. Can’t meme your way out of this one, can ya, boys?

The “Make Heaven Crowded” shit is so freaky. MFs you gotta die to go there. Also, the belief that heaven is finite and can become crowded has deeply upsetting theological implications.