If Old Mate Grabaseat had been nicer to the pilots one of them might be able to give him some guidance about nosedives

Going back to the counter to ask for another Big Mac. This one’s completely embattled

Pick your PM 🔽 Old Mate Grabaseat 🔽 Nicola of Marsden 🔽 Bishop 🔽 Simeon Praise-The-Lord-and-Let's-Do-Some Caning Brown ⚡Someone else, please God, someone else

Excited to learn if we are about get Prime Minister Bishop Also excited to learn if the lolly jar is going to be swapping from green jellybeans to yellow ones

Strangest thing just happened. Was lacing up my Allbirds when the right one asked me if I’d like a weather update

"I wish to see action on the climate crisis" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that" "Not that"

Worse yet, the only history of this time to survive will be an AI story about Pope Artemis II naked wrestling King Donald on Epstein Island

Is he still napping? Or has he moved on to "And Don't Get Me Started About That Loser Jesus"

Luxon uses the imagery of a sunset technology to enthuse about our exciting future. For a subsidised Tesla owner he's tragically backward-looking.

Something is starting to shift. Millions of people are waking up to what the fossil fuel lobby has spent decades trying to hide: clean energy is cheaper, safer and doesn't need a single bomb dropped to keep the lights on.

NZ in good position, says PM

Saying “I am not a victim” is the very most un-MAGA thing you can say

Mr Luxon, what planes does your airline fly? *awkward silence* Do you have Boeings perhaps? *excitedly* Oh yeah yeah! We’ve got the Boeing 007! And, and, the Rolls Royce

The PM's office has issued a boil water notice for watching the Prime Minister talking. "If you find it too painful to watch him being a plodding dumbass, just pop your hands in the kettle for a moment to take your mind off things"

The biggest story in the world right now is that the president of the United States is a demented old man who takes pleasure in torturing and killing people and is committing crimes with impunity. And yet most legacy media outlets are too cowardly to tell it like it is.

Nation now not only short of petrol but also the letter S after every bastard needlessly plunks it at end of Daylight Saving

All around the neighborhood people want me to take their free feijoas that I cannot stomach and now here comes Amanda Luxon saying “I want you to swallow this he’s really great if you try him”

1. "Here's an extreme idea. We're platforming it, so that people can watch out." 2. "This idea is gaining traction. We're publishing an op-ed in favour, for balance." 3. "This idea is popular now. Why does the left refuse to consider it?"

That reshuffle in full: Bishop: I'm better than any of these other dropkicks Luxon: Nobody calls me a dropkick Goldsmith: Thank you sir please may I have another Penk: FIGJAM

"no, not like that, sweetie" a short photo essay

That deflating moment in the National Party when they realise they haven’t picked another John Key, they’ve just picked another guy in a suit and open neck shirt

Willis and Luxon slammed the brakes on spending because they maintained this was what was needed to fix inflation. Wrong, of course, misguided of course, way off-course of course. But they're the grownups in the room and the party of business. Now we hear inflation's way north of 3.7% Geniuses.

We're dividing the country into ten Fuel Regions. Each Fuel Region will have a GM of Fuel Management. Each GM of Fuel Management will have complete delegated authority to do whatever they need to get petrol to you. That's CEO thinking, FYI. You're welcome.

PM/CEO KPIs W/E Mar 30 Don't be a knob ❌ Don't make a fool of yourself on Breakfast TV ❌ Give us something to hope for ❌ Keep breathing in and out ✅ Try not to look pink or odd ❌

CEO, you say. You mean like Boeing? Or WeWork? Or Theranos? Or more like Enron, especially the bit where they utterly fucked the energy market ?

The irony of this govt going for a freedom-loving-individual-choice approach to the fuel crisis is that stranding poor people without options will essentially be an imposed lockdown

i've been trying to work out why the whole 'we want people to decide for themselves' thing during this crisis makes my skin crawl. i realise now it's because rich people have far more options in what they decide leaving poor people with no choice. Wealthy, sorted and not panicking.

The NZ Govt's actual four phase National Fuel Plan: 1: Disestablish all polices that reduce fossil fuel use 2. Introduce polices to increase fossil fuel use 3. When fuel crisis hits, hold a press conference 4. Panic.

Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm "Come in,” she said, “I’ll give you Shelter from the impactful multi-hazard event"

Diehard ICE car defenders pointing at EVs until now: "Loser, Idiot, Loser, Idiot, Woke Virtue Signaller, Idiot" Diehard ICE car defenders pointing at EVs now: "Gloater, Dick, Gloater, Dick, STFU you fucking Gloater"

This is why Labour should've just given the money directly to the people. Because even when they did corporate welfare, literally keeping businesses afloat, and had one of if not the best ECONOMIC responses to Covid, you still get journos like Fran O'Sullivan whining, 6 years later. You can't win.

Prime Minister demonstrates how fuel will be allocated at next level

'Used to take her out in my big Ford Ranger, now she's going out in an EV with a stranger.....'

If we do run out of diesel in thirty days the writing of country songs here will hit an absolute purple patch

But how much more fun would it have been if she'd said "I'm sorry Dave I can't do that" www.rnz.co.nz/news/politic...

Hear me out: $4 a litre tax to *really* bring down petrol use and get people into other ways of getting around

When ACT goes to sleep at night it dares to dream of future leaders

Hello fellow hardworking Kiwi Mums and Dads and Ranger drivers I too have come to stand in front of Marsden Point to say something important

How's everyone else's scams going? My scam is parked in the driveway and just started charging off solar power for $0.

A bike library! Who knew?? @davidslack.bsky.social

The Prime Minister shaves his head right down so we won't notice he's balding This may help if you're trying to make sense of what he's saying about the fuel supply

"We've turned the corner" said booster Mike "Looking good now" said empty-headed Ryan "Green shoots green shoots off we go" creamed all the usual Tory suspects who still buy the bullshit about National Are The Grownups In The Room

Robbie Williams and more four-lane motorways once the fuel's back on. Fuck they are so much the Butter Chicken of governments.

"I simply can't imagine a time without dinosaurs" NewstalkZB, probably, 66 million years ago

“Alternatives to cars don’t work for every single last car owner so fuck that we’re not even going to try”

The Passions of the Chris

Wondering if there’s a title for Nicola Willis saying she can’t do anything to help people because she pretends to care about them

The colossus of roads