When I'm watching my toddler eat tiramisu and I remember it contains caffeine.

My mom called me and said "Willie Nelson died" but she was talking about her 8 year old goldfish. 💀

It might be fun to shove my head up my own ass and pretend like everything is going great in this country but I don't think I could ever vote Republican.

"Turn on push notifications from Instagram?" No thanks I don't need to know 3 more people hit like on the "lol" comment I left 8 months ago.

Simultaneously giving and receiving road head while crossing 8 states. Call that taking Route 69.

My new years resolution is to beat every video game

Happy new beer that's what I'm talking about

Christmas lights? No that's my gay extension cord.

It's so funny watching people ignore absolutely all subtext in a show and then getting mad when it's finally outright stated that a character is gay. Just totally blindsided.

Wasn't expecting to hear "Holiday in Cambodia" in a SpongeBob movie.

Imagine being a guy in the 90s and the biggest problem in your life is you have to pay for your date's dinner and a night out for 2 people is like 20 bucks

Forever my GOAT

POV: You're craving an income to afford the food and shelter you're craving

My favorite thing about the Spider-Man game is how every mugging is committed by 15 guys.

My old phone with a busted screen + a usb-c hub makes for a pretty good emulation machine.

The best laid plans of mousemen

I could eat a hundred mcnuggets. No problem.

Announcing my new holiday themed pornographic stop-motion film studio, Spankin Ass

Excuse me?

Shid's about to hit the fan. It's two minutes to shidnight.

Just learned that in Doc Ock's first appearance he calls Spider-Man by the wrong name and then slaps the taste out of his mouth. Total disrespect. 💀

I miss when video game characters didn't look like their voice actors.

Can't see myself taking this country seriously every again.

It's interesting that a lot of the early 2000s rock Gen Z latched onto is widely considered dogshit

In my honk shoo mi-mi-mi-mi era

Patrick Stump did not have to go so hard on the Spidey and His Amazing Friends soundtrack

@murderxbryan.bsky.social I have to tell you I've been listening to old episodes of Shocktober so this "pictures of Trump blowing Bubba" news has really caught me off guard.

-at the sucker factory, looking at the tiny suckers- Let's call these ones "Dumbasses"

You ate my dad's Pop-Tarts? Those were Pop's tarts!

I have a theory that you could give any man in your life a Hot Wheels car for Christmas and it would be a hit.

My toddler's response to the slightest inconvenience

Started watching Demon Slayer. I hope this kid can train hard enough to overcome his obstacles.

I can eat just 1 cookie but if I eat 2 I'm going to eat 3

Feels weird being old enough to see two of your favorite bands from high school be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

My favorite thing Trump does is he'll spout off an idea literally as he's thinking of it and then all the sycophants have to pretend it's been in the works for ages and make it their personality for the next 2 weeks.

You got a CPAP? Don't ladies get those?

Hell yeah it is

All the young conservative hot takes are just shit I heard my drunk uncle say in the 90s

Curtis Sliwa is such a third wheel I had to Google who the Republican candidate even is.

Day 5 of surviving in the woods with my advent calendar survival kit. Hope I get some matches tomorrow before I freeze to death. Day 6: Damn. Keychain screwdrivers.

We're so heckin' fucked dude. A real clusterfuckerino.

All of the retro handhelds on the market are really cool but economically speaking you can't beat your phone/a cheap tablet and any Bluetooth controller.

Fucking love a band that can give you 12 tracks in 32 minutes

Somebody should make a video on how to cook the perfect steak.

Hello my name is Dan Glennzig

Watching Jennifer's Body from 2009 and realizing there was really only a short window where people didn't say the r word all the time.

Extremely normal for the president to have brand deals

Kissing names and taking ass

Honestly it feels like a lot of people are too dumb to have morals