Your partner is responsible for managing their own feelings of New Relationship Energy, and if they are deprioritising or neglecting you in the process of chasing after someone new, their lack of care and impulse control is not your fault.

I’ve tried kitchen table polyamory. I’ve tried parallel polyamory. I highly recommend letting your connections form organically and letting your partners decide how close they want to be with each other (including not at all!) instead of enforcing a specific polycule dynamic.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your partner experiencing jealousy/insecurity over the things that you're doing is NOT the same as them saying they want you to stop, that they don't love/accept you, that they're trying to attack/hurt/shame you, or that they're "not really polyamorous".

Are you actually “bad at polyamory”, or are you struggling to be patient with yourself while learning a lifetime of mononormative thinking, and experiencing a normal amount of distress for all the changes that you’re going through at the same time? 🤔

My top 5 red flags 🚩 in polyamorous relationships… 🧵

If you are a more experienced polyamorous person dating a newbie, your responsibility is to give them the space to figure stuff out and try things at a reasonable pace, instead of imposing your own desires/standards/expectations onto them.

One of the most common questions I get from polyamorous clients is, “Can you be too traumatised for polyamory?” The short answer: it’s up to you. The long answer… 🧵

monogamous people: I could never do polyamory because I don’t want to deal with jealousy… anyway, the other day my partner said “sorry, I have a partner” instead of “no, I have a partner” to someone who tried to ask them out, and I got insecure because that’s MICROCHEATING

A follower asked me recently, "Under what circumstances would you tell someone that non-monogamy just isn't for them?" My answer: I would never tell someone directly that non-monogamy isn't for them, unless they were already considering it themselves. Let me explain why 🧵

Missed my live event, ‘Polyamory for People Pleasers’? You can now purchase the workshop recording: www.patreon.com/posts/137255... If you are a ticket holder, check your email - I sent the recording of the workshop immediately after it happened!

If you find yourself thinking, “How am I not okay with this yet???” in your first year of trying out non-monogamy for the first time, my top advice is to just be patient with yourself.

Breakups in polyamory are super wild because you feel like you've "failed" on multiple levels. Mononormativity tells us breakups=failure as it is, but the extra layer of fuckery is that now you feel like all the people who doubted you and told you polyamory never works were proven right.

A Black South African commenter on my Facebook post from the 6th of August stated that DL prey on “those who are eager to show ideological allegiance to marginalised people but without much familiarity with the nuances” - and I completely agree and wanted to expand on that.

Kat Blaque, a Black trans polyamorous kinky leftist creator I have deeply respected for years, has joined the chat with her thoughts on Decolonizing Love. youtu.be/PKX7dKEOvu4?...

I got this comment yesterday and wanted to say this: while polyamory education is my full time job, and I've gotten some wonderful recognition and accolades for it, I am NOT more of an "authority" on polyamory than anyone else.

We don't talk enough about the fact that you can align with polyamorous values and enjoy the idea of polyamory, maybe even identify as polyamorous in your heart... and still practice monogamy. Here are some reasons why 🧵

Non-monogamous relationships, like any other relationships, are nuanced. What works for one person may not work for another, and different people can make the same agreement with completely different motivations, which may lead to different results.

If you grew up thinking that your feelings were "too much", that your purpose was to serve others at your own expense, or that asserting yourself would mean facing punishment and dangerous consequences, of course you would struggle with being firm in your non-monogamous desires.

If you’re doing non-monogamy for the first time, it means you are: 1. Trying something new 2. Adjusting to a big change 3. Unlearning mononormativity in a world that tells you that’s bad and wrong. If you’re struggling, that is NORMAL. What you’re doing is HARD.

Polyamory becomes so much easier when you realise and accept that it’s okay to feel bad when difficult things are happening, but experiencing discomfort doesn’t always mean you have to do something about it.

Friendly reminder that it’s okay to want more time with your partner or to ask for regular dates, and being polyamorous doesn’t change that 🕰️

Finally. youtu.be/FgO4DyzXXl8?...

At Wilderness Festival today speaking about Relationship Anarchy 💞

“You’re allowed to make mistakes in polyamory, as long as you learn from the experience” and “People who don’t unpack their mononormative beliefs before attempting polyamory have a high risk of causing harm to multiple people” are two statements that can co-exist.

Friendly reminder that not every casual connection needs to escalate to a romantic one to be meaningful. Sometimes, friends with benefits can STAY friends with benefits long-term, because that's the most compatible dynamic for the people involved. If everyone's happy, nothing needs to change!

"Your feelings aren't my responsibility" does NOT mean "so I can do whatever I want without consequences" or "so if you happen to feel hurt by something I did, I don't need to show any care towards you because it wasn't my fault or intention".

Mandatory age verification on p🌽 sites does NOT actually protect children. In reality, it creates more problems than it solves, namely around data privacy, s-x worker rights, and educational content on s-x and relationships. Here's why 🧵

You can’t intellectualise your way out of discomfort. Hacking your nervous system with facts/logic is like using a fork to drink soup. Thinking through stuff helps only to a point - you also need to pay attention to your feelings, even and especially the irrational ones, to heal.

We don’t talk enough about the fact that just because your BRAIN logically wants and understands polyamory, it doesn’t mean your BODY has caught up to the values you want to live by. If you ignore this in your relationship education, you are not being trauma-informed.

Jealousy is not a red flag. But you know what could be? 🚩pretending you don’t feel jealous when you do 🚩shaming yourself instead of confronting why 🚩not taking responsibility for managing it 🚩hiding your jealousy from a partner 🚩not asking for (reasonable) support with it

As a sex educator: DO NOT USE SILICONE TOYS WITH SILICONE-BASED LUBE. Silicone-based lube is longer lasting, but if used with a toy, it will MELT IT. Use water-based lube if you’re using toys!

People pleasing is common in relationships, but is especially harmful in polyamory. If you struggle to say no, avoid hard conversations, or downplay your needs, you risk hurting others and ultimately yourself. Here are some ways people pleasing can show up in polyamory...🧵

Where does people-pleasing come from? How does it show up in polyamory? How do you hold on to your capacity for kindness, patience, and empathy, while standing up for your own needs? The answers are in my new workshop. All ticket holders get a recording! polyam-pleaser.eventbrite.co.uk?aff=Leanne

Where does people-pleasing come from? How does it show up in polyamory? How do you hold on to your capacity for kindness, patience, and empathy, while standing up for your own needs? The answers are in my new workshop. All ticket holders get a recording! polyam-pleaser.eventbrite.co.uk?aff=Leanne

Sneak peek of my new long-form video on Patreon: “Disclosure Boundaries: How Much Do You Tell A Partner About Other Partners?” Watch this 30-minute deep dive now: patreon.com/posts/134267990

The Venn diagram of people who say that polyamorous people are riddled with STIs and people who have literally never been tested for an STI is a circle.

Being polyamorous in your teens/20s: 💁‍♀️“You’ll grow out of it.” 🙋‍♂️“It’s just a phase.” 🤦“You don’t know what true love feels like yet”. Being polyamorous in your 30s and above: 🤷‍♂️“Wait, you haven’t settled down?” 🙍‍♀️“When will you act your age?” 🙅‍♀️ “You’re going to die alone.”

There is no One True Way to polyamory. Believing there is one means you’re falling into the same trap that you did in monogamy, where you’re more focused on doing things “correctly”, instead of what actually works for you and your partner(s). Learn to make a choice for yourself.

My stance on a certain controversial polyamory educator.

How do you navigate polyamory with a physically disabled partner? How do you deal with losing an entire community? Should [anon] leave their 8 year marriage? All this and more in my monthly patron-exclusive Q&A! www.patreon.com/posts/134182...

A healthy relationship does not mean you never have any conflict. A healthy relationship is one where you can move through conflicts/differences in a productive way, while continuing to respect each other as people no matter the outcome.

Friendly reminder that you’re allowed to have a bad time in polyamory and it doesn’t make you less polyamorous.

Today I marched with the trans liberation + radical bloc at @bristolpride.bsky.social!

To keep myself sane, I choose to believe that the people posting online about how they’ve never seen an attractive polyamorous person are not actually hateful trolls, but fellow polyamorists fishing for beautiful pics of the hotties that we know we are ✨

You can be polyamorous and picky with who you choose as a partner - in fact, I’d argue you should be picky. Having 1 partner or even 0 partners won’t ruin your life…but choosing the wrong partner(s) to date might.

Jealousy and compersion can exist simultaneously. If you are in a long-term relationship and start dating someone new in polyamory, your existing partner may be supportive of your new relationship AND struggle with the change. This is not a contradiction. Here's what you do...🧵

Haley and Magan deserve each other (complimentary) Dayna and Mel deserve each other (derogatory) #TheUltimatumQueerLove

As a polyamorous person, watching The Ultimatum is so frustrating because all these love triangles could be such cute throuples if they stopped obsessing over marriage for just one goddamn second.

Boundaries aren't a way to attack others or keep them out - they're a way to ensure that you're treated at the standard that you feel you deserve. You can't control other people, but you can control how you maintain your personal safety/peace by how you respond to what other people do.