People are roasting this but my wife kept setting our house on fire to flirt with firemen and now is going to protests a lot since ICE showed up. I’m posting about it instead of talking to her because of woke hectoring. What a great point. The best points always start with “Ok I’ll Say It…”

[something horrific] "dont take the bait" [something worse] "dont take the bait" [something worse] "dont take the bait" [something worse] "dont take the bait" [something worse] "dont take the bait" [something worse] "dont take the bait" ...

It’s blizzarding outside in MN so it’s glizzarding in my house. Aka I’m making hot dogs for lunch. I’m not proud of this one, folks. I’m too old to be saying shit like this.

Love when the seat clamp on a push bike for my two year old is off by a millimeter and I gotta bust out pliers and a hammer to unfuck it. I now understand why my dad was stressed out on Christmas.

Tis the season to rob your pets of their dignity.

I’m still beaming hours after the North London Derby. What a start to a tough run of fixtures.

Not saying anything about any results today with a North London Derby tomorrow. Gonna go frantically imagine team sheets based on several different “who is fit” scenarios.

“They’re fetishizing the commodities, folks!”

Give everyone in Ireland the day off tomorrow for Troy Parrott day. Holy fucking shit.

It says a lot about the Jets that most fans are actively celebrating that the owner is in the Epstein emails because it might free this team from his dogshit ownership. Like “thank god this owner did the worst thing, we might make the playoffs in two years and we don’t need a Commanders rebrand.”

I got some of the aurora borealis in Richfield too

I warned my band if they didn’t get their shit together on the album art there would be 7 year old memes as placeholders. Check out my bandcamp: varmints.bandcamp.com

Today’s Jets game was an all timer for bad QB play and bad in-game management by a coach. Given how the Jets have been absolute ass for most of my life, that is saying something.

As someone who somehow never saw either movie, 1978’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers and 1981’s Scanners are two absolutely perfect movies to start the 2025 Spookie Season.

Watching the latest episode of Alien Earth and when Timothy Olyphant’s character had a streaky sticky white substance all over his face I blurted out “BUSTIFIED” like it’s 2012 and anyone knows what I’m talking about.

Nothing like realizing my Napalm Death shirt probably will turn some heads at the children’s library as a pull up. Drove back in a different shirt as my 21 month old daughter and I rocked out to Napalm Death.

Show at Tune Town was fun! Varmint’s second show. We’ll have the demo out 🔜🔜🔜 credit to UFOTOFU for the song, Wingnut Magnet, Mitch’s old band, and RIP Norm

Want to see some hardcore punk in Mankato? My band, Varmints, is playing Tune Town. Also Melpomene rules.

It’s so nice to be on the other side of “fuck your statistics we won” away at Old Trafford. Rough watch but 3 points is 3 points. 1-0 to the Arsenal.

If you want to see a live show in Minneapolis my band is playing today

My 20 month daughter said vegetables and it sounded like “fuck your balls” and we worked on pronunciation for a bit but I don’t think I’m recovering from laughing that hard.

Fuck it Prem Prediction with no explanation: 1. Arsenal 2. Liverpool 3. Chelsea 4. Man City 5. Villa 6. Forest 7. Newcastle 8. Man United 9. Shit 10. Brighton 11. Everton 12. Palace 13. Fulham 14. Bournemouth 15. West Ham 16. Sunderland 17. Wolves 18. Brentford 19. Leeds 20. Burnley Yell at me

Goddamn it I’m getting hope again.

Work from home is nice but where else but the office could I tell one of the other companies in the building is having a Papa John’s Pizza Party by breathing in the elevator?

I’m an American and I prefer the british heinz beans to canned baked beans. I pissed off Americans with the bean preference and pissed off Brits by not calling them tinned or whatever it’s called there.

Welp my 19 month old is going to know Bambi as a 45 minute movie for the foreseeable future.

Toddler parenting is getting your face scratched up and ten minutes later seeing the tiny human who mauled you looking out a window and say “hi squirrel” in a voice only you can understand and thinking it’s the cutest thing ever.

If you’re going to destroy my sweater, at least have the decency to hold this string as I walk away you fucking heathen

Hahahahahahaha Fuck Newcastle and the “pLuCkY uNdErDoG” narrative around them.

I stumbled upon a Tim Pool video and I’ve never heard him speak before and HOLY FUCK THAT IS WHAT THAT DORK ASS SOUNDS LIKE?!!!! Hahahahahaha

I’m all smug about deleting facebook but I sure could use marketplace while I want to buy a hammock and every brick and mortar store’s answer is “you can buy it online.” Anyone in the twin cities selling a hammock?

My mom asked me if I’m going to start going to church again so there must be a new pope.

Painkiller was Judas Priest’s best album 17ish years after their first. Correct answer is Fetch the Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple though.

I genuinely despise the way Luka plays. If there was ever a player who deserves to be sent to the 90s NBA, it’s that floppy moaning dickhead. Absolutely ruins what should be a fun, free flowing, physical sport with his bullshit antics.

For a week I’ve been hearing “remontada this” and “remontada that” well REMONTADEEZ NUTS REAL MADRID

Maybe Ten Hag wasn’t the problem (this is rage bait)

Don’t ask why but I’m compiling info on every public access channel in America and holy fuck I forgot every single town in Massachusetts has a public access channel. No one needs a channel about Denny from Billerica winning $50 on scratch offs and spending it on more scratch offs.

Wait. So ICE had a warrant for someone, knew their address, went door to door to every house on that street just in case, found a house with non white children, and took them into custody. Dude

There needs to be a Minnesota scale for Groundhogs Day because 6 more weeks of winter on Feb 2nd would be the optimistic choice here

My internal monologue as a Jersey transplant in a Minnesota Aldi “Whoa whoa whoa, they only got the pre-grated parmesan in here? This is Anti-Italian discrimination!” “I thought your family immigrated here from Ireland and France?” “Shut ya fuckin mouth, stunad!”

I handed my daughter some string cheese and she said “day duuu” (thank you) and I teared up with pride. Not even 16 months old yet.

Tramell Tillman from Severance is legitimately one of the best actors I’ve seen in years. He knows how to be subtle when the moment calls for it and commanding when the moment calls for it. Really hope he is a household name in 5 years.

Austin’s light rail requring me to use an app that tells me my only option is to walk when I’m standing on a train platform is a level of enshittification I wasn’t prepared for.

I forget every year that the entirety of the state I moved to unites to hate on Edina over a hockey tourney for 17 year olds. They call the city I live in Poorfield so I’m here for it.

Scene: nursery Me: It smells a little poopy in here My Wife: I changed out the bag yesterday. ::I stupidly open the diaper pale, even more stupidly sniff up close, and almost die dry heaving:: My Wife: Wait, she did have that monster shit yesterday…fuck, sorry… We all love each other here.

I am 90% sure Trump’s tariffs on Canada are rooted in his anger over this picture from 8 years ago.

I am saying this specifically on a weekend Arsenal isn’t playing: I’m pretty sure the PGMOL’s hiring process is wandering pubs of Northern England looking for the dumbest men, asking them how often they have been sacked at work, and offering them job security.

I’m so glad the Kroenkes saved money this January. Absolute bastards.

Thanks to DOGE we now have text scams for peoples benefits being freezed! I’m so happy the richest man in the world views Government waste as “money from the Government not going to him.”