so at this point toggling on automatic updates apparently just starts a popup message telling you "iOS [#] was not installed" every single day until it annoys you enough to manually update. the planets will never reach the precise alignment again for it to update on its own

"you're getting married? when did this happen? how did you propose?" well we were sitting on the couch and I looked over and I said, "how would you feel about getting married on 2/6, you know, 2/6/26? I bet that's an anniversary we can remember" in short, my romance skills are unmatched

me eating my taco bell on the evening fiancé is over at a friend's

don't have a lot of decor up but I at least put my favorite out

I know there is a creature called a flying fox and this is not it, and yet

my brain's reaction to the news of Catherine O'Hara's passing is apparently to just spam the words "bingo lingfucker" over and over like one of those communication buttons for dogs and cats

trying to save my apartment as my son tears through with severe zoomies

if I'm this bloated it only seems fair that I should get to float away a while

always fun to have to remove a cat from the sink before you can use it

*offering the eagle a few crumpled dollar bills to come by & take care of my uterus on its way back to prometheus today*

oh yes we must lay off sixteen thousand people so we can get back to running our extremely mature global business like a startup. we call it the benjamin button company growth plan

under my weighted heating pad and heated throw trying to toast myself like a pop tart

gotta catch 'em all

doing that thing again I like to call the sit-taur, where one half sits and the other half stands

both alike in dignity

taking a break from watching the snow

I like to think they're baking new ones under there. they'll be ready soon

getting a bonkers idea of what the AFC championship was like based on the skeets about it and absolutely no other knowledge

bibbidi bobbidi boo

me, just now: I love you them: weird decision, but okay

peasants used to use their hands to hang guys like this from lampposts. can we bring that back

child you consistently have the worst timing for taking a nap on my lap

trying to explain that I don't particularly dislike the works of John Milton, it's just that the period I studied is full of guys like Alexander Pope who were obnoxious and way too eager to be all up on Milton's dick, which has given me a certain associative distaste

bookmarking this skeet for, oh, every day

we have reached maximum cozy

oh hey I get to use this again. what a shameless piece of shit lol

matte velvet lipstick is starting to feel like, you know how you go craft beer shopping and there are four thousand IPAs

when you wake up and something immediately happens to make you cry you should get a pass to go back to bed

good evening. I bet you are not this photogenic when you sleep

barista: I may have gotten a little carried away with the whipped cream, sorry guys me: this is not a problem

If you love her, build her a shelter in haunted woodland guarded by owls.

so very excited about how my wedding outfit is coming together 🥹

malfunction

it did in fact taste really, really good, can confirm 🤤

my dude you dragged us through an extended shutdown that was incredibly painful for a lot of people and got NOTHING out of it. lots of people are now finding out how much their health insurance costs because you abandoned them. absolute delusional loser

one cat keeps getting on the counter to try and stick his feet in the sous vide pot and the other is over there eating again less than 60 seconds after having puked on my floor, I cannot with them today

the number of times I look up and he just Looks Like That

okay this is seriously one of the coolest things I've made

what if our hands touched as we passed each other on opposing escalators

b o o p

would not put it past a man to make this a missed connections post

we go through a truly incredible amount of heavy cream for a 2-person household

I will sleep soon unless plugged into a power outlet.

I work for an insurer heavily serving the ACA marketplace, and the % of people who simply did not know this was coming for them is staggering. There was a real failure in media coverage in accurately representing the premium increases people were going to face if the enhanced subsidies expired.

always great when you stand up for the first time in a while and a cheez-it falls out of your robe from somewhere

anxiously waiting for my package of googly eyes to arrive

this box is exactly beansized

add to watchlist

I'm willing to start a lesbian political scandal. whose wife is hot