As a connoisseur of reality TV, I can say with confidence that "The Simple Life" is equivalent to a 21 year old single malt scotch. Rich, a little surprising, worth it. #realitytv

There’s nothing for us at Costco …except Calories.

I don't believe in ghosts but I do believe in farts which are the ghosts of my past meals and last night I ate a chili that has made me a vessel for many such spirits. Call a priest. Call a doctor. Call your grandmother and tell her to use less beans next time. #cursed #haunted

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

When I got my vasectomy, I had to have a pre-op appointment with a urologist. As I pulled my underwear down to reveal the goods for inspection, the doctor audibly said: "Wow..." For a moment, I felt immense pride. Then the doctor said: "You should probably trim that." Devastating. #disappointed

If you need to work on your relationship and you find yourself on a reality TV show instead of attending couples counseling... I'm sorry to tell you this but the call is coming from inside the house. #theultimatum

I feel like a real nightmare for conservatives would be if we found Bigfoot but he was woke

Me: "Uhhh whyy can't I lose weight!? I'm doing everything right! So unfair smh" 😡😤😭 Meanwhile, my breakfast:

Just watched five people steal coffee from the Whole Foods self serve. Take that Jeff. 😤

Can a learned person please weigh in on this? In the gym mirror I look like an absolute god. Arms thick, dump truck plump. In my mirror at home I look like a live action version of Mr potato head. Thoughts? #why

I wish I loved something as much as my dog loves the smell of other dogs' shit

I need to self report. When I fart (frequent and devastating) my girlfriend respectfully IGNORES it. When she farts (rare and gentle) I: A: say: "Hell yeah babe!" B: go for a high-five. There is a double standard in this house and it is NOT OKAY.

Super down to be possessed by a demon as long as they are somewhat productive and let me watch Vanderpump on Friday nights.

Sabrina Carpenter was miming eating a cORNDOG YOU IDIOTS. 😤🕺

Scientists: "You really should not spend more than ten minutes sitting on the toilet." Me, approaching my 56th minute on the shitter, legs numb and shaking, forehead damp with perspiration: "ohhkay whatever you say tiny-turd nerds. 🙄"