My fucking hearing aid broke but don’t worry, my bad ass charge nurse fixed it.

Got moved to another room for some reason IDK.

Right in the middle of my tattoo. Well done.

“You haven’t changed a bit” ~someone I’ve known since middle school

Me: (donates body to science) Science: Eww, what the fuck!?

Can we maybe please pause all of life’s wee little terrors so I can have a teensy breaky break for like 24 hours?

Bjork's hitboxes are wild

Um excuse me, I’m a doctor of electricity and I know what I saw.

Earlier today, a nurse asked me if I wanted the harpist to come in and play a song in my room.

Me teying to flirt as a laxative sales person: hey, I like the way you move them bowels.

Once again I ask the universe to either quite dry fucking and let me catch a break or, deliver a mercy killing to me. One or the other. IDAGF at this point.

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

“Flintstone’s Chewable Morphine”

Hospitals, amiright?

-Shuffles up to mirror -Pauses *fingers guns and clicking noises* -Shuffles away

Another one of my favorites is “try to take some deep breaths”. Fucking brilliant. I’ve never tried that before. You’ve cured me! Deep breaths…. Fuck you.

Me: (gasping for air) Nurse: Can you breathe okay? Me: 🥺👍🏼👍🏼

Wild shit. I’m literally on my deathbed and some folks still try to guilt me into not showing up for them the way they want me to. I wish I had this level of “could not fucking care less” years ago.

Either everyone here is named Alex or Sam or, I’m having another one of my fancy dancy silly brain episode.

I need money for things like bread and film for my underwater camera.

I should have gone into nursing.

I need to find the original unedited funk shirt bra pic.

A lot of people have seen me naked dick outs the past few days.

You should give me money for things. www.gofundme.com/f/support-ry...

Besides the major side effect being death, I am still really looking forward to not being sick anymore.

Why, every fuck night, does someone have to scream like that are being skinned alive. It’s a hospital, you knob of flesh. Shut the fuck up. Some of us are tying to die here. The fuck.

I tried to be a good person. I really hope I did okay.

Oh hey, guess who is a threat to self and other’s now. Me apparently 🤷🏻‍♂️

Hid your granny, I’m out here looking for the hoes in hospice

Shout out to the dude yelling “helllllllllp”, use your call button my good man.

Nurse Fun Time Von Buzzkill is here and she means BUSINESS. Good damn.

Oh good. They assigned me Nurse No Fun for tonight.

Ativan gave me hallucinations incase you were wondering what to get me for Christmas.

Sir, how high are you right now? Good thanks, how are you?

Welp, it’s not a secret on FB any more. No sense in it being a secret here. My name Ryan and I am on palliative end of life care. AMA.

They gave me a fancy new bracelet with NDR on it which I can only assume stands for Does Nice Riddles.

Life is fucking stupid. I have a terminal illness, folks are like hey we all gotta some time. Then I get suicidal and folks are wtf? No, not like that? You can’t die about things that way. You have to suffer and loose weight and waste all your money and hallucinate and we will force feed you.

Them: How’s it going? Me:

Got my special quilt. IYKUK

Today has been a profoundly hard day

Nurse: hands me a call light, okay give us a buzz if you need us Me: right in the middle of telling him I have a migraine.

Flintstone chewable morphine.

My doctor’s kid made a card

They’re like hey man, stfu. You can talk or you can breathe. Pick one. But somehow they said it more abruptly than that. This fucking sucks. I’m a social person and starved for human interaction but yeah, I guess I can shut the fuck up and further degrade my quality of life. Made me feel like shit.

Awesome. Good thing I didn’t meet this age appropriate and attractive person until AFTER I got this fuck-ass terminal illness. Thanks, Karma. Bitch.

Mighty Morphine Power Ranger

Me lisitng off nurses followed by “he/she/they are one of my favorites” after every one. LOL.

Brush your teeth then eat some sour Mike and Ike’s if you want to know how it feels to have your face turn inside out.

Did your nurse get you candy today? Mine did.