Saw new SpongeBob movie today. Here is my takeaway: Scrubs is SpongeBob! J.D. is SpongeBob, Turk is Patrick, Cox is Squidward, Kelso is Mr. Krabs, Elliot is Sandy. The movie was good but was hard to focus on the plot when all I kept thinking was Scrubs is SpongeBob.

Am I crazy or does this blowfish kind of look like Trump?

I guess this op-ed is about personal liberties

6-7 gives me hope for the future. There's an entire generation out there who doesn't give a fuck what adults are up to & what we're destroying & how much we're fucking up. They have their own shit going on & they're all in on it together & it's fun & it doesn't involve us at all.

Assuming they didn’t even consider Trump’s work in quantum mechanics. Sad! Rigged Nobel!

Oh fuck you directions on my new toothbrush

I know a lot of people are joking about Trump’s escalator crisis, but about ten years ago, my uncle was on an escalator that stopped moving after a few seconds and it really ripped my family apart. He's literally still there. We visit him and yell up to him, etc. But it's not the same as it was.

It’s cool that Al Pacino is such a good actor that nobody even batted an eye as he’s transformed into a beautiful majestic lion.

The Trump White House is so bad at this that the proof of life video is gonna be dated footage of Trump partying with Hulk Hogan.

This guy’s commitment to his craft is just nuts. He literally fathered a child and raised that child to be a film director for this role. So admirable.

Leno said, in a lecture about comedy

Writing a movie about a Formula 1 driver who’s really fast and could be the best ever, except that he keeps using his turning signal.

Congratulations to the Republicans on being able to hurt all the people you wanted to hurt.

I’m old enough to remember when this was big beautiful Bill

I think the problem with the internet is that I feel the need to publicly state that Richard Manuel from The Band looks like @brianrosenworcel.bsky.social from @guster.bsky.social when really this is just something I should tell my wife when she gets home from work and is tired and is ignoring me.

Driving home from seeing the movie F1 is so dangerous.

Look, I know some people are loving that Trump and Musk are fighting and think it’s SO funny that it’s gonna get ugly and they’re gonna reveal personal things about each other, and you might think it’s great that this is happening, and that it’s all fun and games

Gonna miss the penny. No fucking way I’m paying a nickel for your thoughts.

I feel like talking to JD Vance is probably like having a conversation with a guy who works at a guitar store. You can't exactly put your finger on it but it never quite feels comfortable or natural.

Biden should be more like Carson and less like Conan. You did the stuff, some was very good, now go away and let us remember the good stuff. Obama, on the other hand, should be Conan. Stay relevant, do some weird interesting shit for a while longer. Maybe even go on Hot Ones.

Not to brag, but if I attended, I’d be the ugliest person at the Met Gala.

36 years later and I’m still nervous every time I eat Cheerios that I’ll accidentally eat a shrunken child who fell into the bowl.

Yeah, not great man.

Andrew Cuomo has the distinction of being disliked by both democrats and republicans. Based on my current understanding of politics in this country, he will be the next mayor of NYC.

Just saw Hartenstein not playing for Knicks tonight. Getting a little nervous.

This week’s main story is about trans athletes, where the conversation around them is coming from, the nuances around competition and safety, and where it looks like things might be going. Full segment at the link in our bio.

What SHOULD I use as a cudgel?

Remember Joe Biden?!? Wonder what ever happened to that guy.

Can’t believe my scale is telling me I’ve gained that much weight in the last few years. Hilarious April fools joke. I mean if that number was real I’d be in seriously bad shape. Good one, scale! lol

Before I was married I didn’t know what a duvet cover was and I was fine. I was living just fine.

I ask my doctor about every drug I see a commercial for and whether that drug is right for me.

James Naismith Teaching Basketball: “And that’s called a free throw.” “So when our teammate misses one, we high five them?” “When they miss it?” “They miss the free throw & then we all go over & high five them?” “Why would you high five them if they miss?” “We’ll high five them”

Was about to see a Broadway show tonight but had to leave when they wouldn’t let me in with my fireworks.

Feel like in mid-March, they turn on a leaf blower in my neighborhood and then just don’t turn it off until late October.

Is Jame Eagan played by Andy Warhol? I know the answer's no, right? Has to be no. But also, I'm pretty sure that's Andy Warhol.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like Gene Wilder trying to act hard.

“More like daylight shaving time.” - me, twice a year, if I worked in marketing for Gillette

To the people on social media who tell me I have TDS, please know that I read this every time as The Daily Show and it makes me sad thinking about how many writing packets I submitted to that show between 2003 and 2013. So mission accomplished I guess.

Our president is such a piece of shit.

Weird that Sylvester Stallone is a Trump supporter knowing Trump wasn’t rooting for him in Rocky IV.

I’m the same age Bill Murray was when he was in Groundhog Day. What are we even doing here?

Dear Democratic Party, I've received your daily emails asking for money & thought maybe I should check in. Is everything ok? I mean, I love the cute subject lines, they're super fun! But I do wonder what you plan to do w/ all this money. You may recall last time I gave you some, it didn't go great.

Listening to an REM song with my dog. It ended and she looked at me and I said, “See that’s how you build tension and release.” I’m probably not a great hang.

Tough assignment for Trump. I guess a NASCAR race and some golf?

Maybe next time - and I’m sure there’ll be a next time - just cut out the middle man and put Putin on the ballot.

Guy Fieri court side. You know somebody’s gonna dunk into some donkey sauce.

For no reason, a great performance by Ben Folds with the National Symphony Orchestra. www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4cv...

The Substance but Dudley Moore.

How sad to think the billionaires running things care about you and your family. Why the fuck would the billionaires running things care about you and your family? They care about more money and more power and more influence. Nothing else.

BREAKING: America