Stop the world, I wanna get off.

Did Brexit Jim go and watch City tonight!? Just around the corner from his gaff.

It’d suit me if they relocated there.

🚨 BREAKING: Sheffield United announce their new Manager will be none other than, Chris Wilder - who returns to the club after several moments in the managerial wilderness.

🚨 BREAKING: Chris Wilder has been sacked by Sheffield United following an incident with a fan at last nights’s game - that saw him receive a red card for kicking the ball into the crowd.

Excited to introduce Vibes from Meta. Eat your slop, piggies!

It’s so fucking annoying - it’s actually THIS 👇🏼 simple.

“The Shart”

Is there any fact-based evidence that Albert Einstein actually sounded like Scooby Doo!?

Can’t even escape Karen Carney on my nightly ‘Strictly - It Takes Two’ decompression session. She’s like shit in a field.

The name “Matt Fitzpatrick” always leaves me wondering.

Back in work after a fortnight off tomorrow…

HAWAY MAN!!

Wasn’t he ST holder at Stamford Bridge then!? Never trusted the him, nothing will change there.

Thank God we only play once a week!

I’ve had enough of this fucking sport.

I can’t believe what I’ve just seen.

ALLOWING A SUBSTITUTION?? WHAT IS HAPPENING????

Must be a close race, which Darren Fletcher produced more diarrhoea!?

No Ref-Cam footage when it’s an obvious fuck up though, eh?

Damsgaart has had 5 fouls against him, the last one was ankle height from behind. No card. Fuck the fuck off.

Life’s too short. I’m going picking up random’s dog shit on the park.

On what fucking planet is that not a free kick for United!? If it’s the other way around - it’s 0-0. Shite.

Just when you thought Bayindir couldn’t look more like a cock.

Amorim is an adi-clotheshorse of the highest order, I’m actually all for it.

I’m back from Portugal & Dalot’s back in the team! Coincidence?? Of course it is - but I just wanted to the opportunity to call him a dim witted cunt.

Give it to Jerry ‘til the end of the season…

Bereft, he was just a lovely lad.

Putting recent history and all differences aside, I can honestly say if Alejandro Garnacho gets on the pitch tonight for Chelsea, I hope someone breaks one of his fucking ankles 👍🏼

“Hang time” TNT Chief bell’end “Fletch” thinks men can fly.

Someone get Paul Scholes a shag, ffs.

First time I’ve seen him push something to the side…

I’m 50 in April. Please, please don’t make me a ‘Birthday Book’.

NOTHING will prepare you for this 45-second story arc. From "I'm just doing this because I love the flag, it's totally grassroots, and I'm not part of anything political"... to who actually gave him the flags the night before. Anyone who believes it is an innocent movement needs to see this.

“Delete My Browser History”

YouTube has just suggested the video of Johnny Vegas derailing Adam Hills’ attempt to record a promo for The Last Leg and, just like every other time I’ve watched it, I nearly yoffed from laughing youtu.be/V3RlWbzU8Hw

You’re never convincing me this Woltemade lad is a footballer.

Let’s not mock Onana, let’s remember the good tim… Yea that’s enough of that.

I am absolutely fucked, despite going out at 1:30pm with the intention of ‘pacing myself’ - - someone dropped the Onana news on me & I immediately started drinking like Oliver Reed that day ‘Gladiator’ had to suspend filming.

Grimsby Town field an ineligible player Vs United and get a slapped wrist. If the roles were reversed- there would be a public outcry and the game would be replayed! Completely tainted their ‘so called’ victory as far as I’m concerned.

We’re paying Sancho £50k a week to play for Villa. Last season we paid £125k a week to watch him play for Chelsea & we paid Rashford £75k a week to play for Villa… while we were paying Antony £55k a week to play for Betis. SOMEBODY MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!

Hand on heart, Transfer Deadline Day is a fucking embarrassment, the worst day(s) of the football calendar- a clear indicator that the clubs are not doing their job properly.

Fraudy McFraudface.

How much does this twat make out of reading actual journalists work and then putting “HERE WE GO” over it!? Massive fraud. Oh… & Sancho is an unflushable turd.

lol… absolutely heartbroken “😭 never loved you anyway”

Farewell, Antony - I’ll never forget your little doughnut, the subsequent criticism, you ‘penning’ an article explaining how you’d never change your style because of where you came from …& then NEVER trying it again.

D’ya think we’ll have a fortnight of wall-to-wall coverage of City’s latest crisis!? They’ve spent about £1/2bn since Christmas & they’re still fucking wank.