Listen Ensign, I’m not nude. But I’m not not nude, you know?

Good morning everyone. Today we’re meeting a new species; something called Florida Man. I’ve been advised to bring Caution to the table, so she’s over there, pick up your gear from her. Intel suggests this may be a Four, possibly even Five Loco situation OK LET’S MOVE IT PEOPLE

ATTENTION EVERYONE I AM STANDING UNDER THE MISTLETOE AND WILL BE ACCEPTING TIPS AS I PLAY NIGHTBIRD IN ITS ENTIRETY ALL THE WAY THROUGH NEW YEARS EVE

Careless Whisper? Nothing careless about it, Data. If anything it’s a focused whisper. Oh the SONG. I thought you meant me. I was whispering. Well, whisper-farting. Full disclosure, there wasn’t much of a whisper to it, if I’m being honest.

Yes Data, I AM wearing Ugg boots filled with pumpkin spice lattes. Why? It’s quite simple; the Ambassador will never hear my coming. Nothing is quieter than Ugg boots Data, that’s just science. And the lattes will keep my feet warm, so I can take my time. You see, his vision is based on movement and

Yes Data, I carved all these pumpkins myself. Impressive, I know. Pay special attention to the detail work!! And yes, before you ask, they are ALL erotic works of art!

Oh it’s very simple, Data. The reason I’m cleverly disguised as a shrub is to infiltrate the Ambassador’s garden party. Yes! The one tonight. He’ll never see me coming. Because of the disguise, you see. Or don’t see. Keep up, Data. Anywho, I need you to hand me my basket of exploding eclairs STAT!!

// hey, every one of you liberal mother fuckers who thinks that everything that’s going on is no big deal? You voted blue so it’s cool? It’ll shake itself out in the next “election”? Fuck you. You’re part of the problem, nestled in your privilege. Let me remind you: 1/

DATA! I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m standing here in a bedazzled thong, my body covered with olive oil, parsley, garlic, warp grease, tomato paste, salt, hot cheeto dust, Four Loko spillage, pasties, flour, assorted potatoes, a series of small origami birds, spider webs, spiders, spiderman socks

DATA! I just realized! Do you know what this rapture needs?? NIGHTBIRD!!! FEEEWWWWAAAAMP

DATA! Thank goodness I found you. Listen: there’s a situation. A pants situation. Specifically mine. I can’t find them. I need you to go look for them while I start my shift the way I always do: Leaning in a wide-legged stance onto the nearest console while I read the morning briefing. Ha! Briefing!

Sorry I’m late Data, I got stuck in a timeloop in the 1980’s. Was I on my continued quest to solve the mystery of a mythical Fifth Loko? Yes. Did I join a swingers club? Of course. Did I become an adult film star? I went deep cover, Data. I’m a pro. Anyway, why’s the ship on fire?

Turns out it WAS chocolate syrup!! But enough about this morning’s briefing, Data, we’ve got larger concerns. Specifically, butt bleaching. That’s right Data. I’m going there. Why? Because at the right angle, the glare from my alabaster aqualung will shine right at the Ambassador’s yacht!

DATA! Listen, it’s dark. Well it’s always dark in space but that’s not the point. The point is that it’s night. Which means the Ambassador is asleep on his yacht. Minimal security, Data. No, not on the yacht, on this torpedo tube I’ve just overridden. Yes that IS why I’m covered in WD40, now LAUNCH

Ok people so I may or may not have accidentally knocked over a case of my Klingon Four Loko during what can only be described as an INTENSE badger surveillance operation. Point is, it’s burning through the hull and I need solutions people!! How can we salvage it? Get it up on the big screen!!!

Sorry for my absence Data, I was trapped under a pile of Four Loko and Ax Body Spray cans; a cage of my own making, if you will. Anywho, I’m here now, freshly trimmed and coated in olive oil. Why? Great question Data. You’re going to load me into a torpedo tube and fire me at the Ambassador’s yacht!

Listen Data, the key to rapidly chugging a crate of Four Loko and Mountain Dew before my morning workout is what I like to call TC, or Throat Control. That’s right Data, not a metaphor this time. Write it down. In your….neurons? Whatever, observe: HHHUUURRRRRRAAAAHHHHLLGGGGGGGHHPPPHHH

My plan? It’s simple, Data. Despite my best efforts, the Ambassador has, once again, restored their yacht. So this time, the gloves are off. Or on, I should say. Hence my outfit, Data. I am going to infiltrate that yacht, sail it out to sea and BLOW IT THE HELL UP. No, you don’t have to thank me.

WOAH ok hey hi hello Data yes I’m here, I just woke up from what can only be described as an INTENSE amount of scientific research with Four Loko and Ax Body Spray in an attempt to create a 5th, and possibly 6th, Loko. I don’t know if it worked yet, the first thing I’ve gotta do is trim my pubes and

LISTEN UP DATA we need to DATA PAY ATTENTION ok so the Ambassador is going to be on Risa on his prized possession; his new yacht, codename: Yachtsen. EXACTLY DATA that kind of naming irresponsibility needs to be NIPPED. Which is why I’m strapping myself to the depth charge. YES OF COURSE ILL BE NUDE

LISTEN UP PEOPLE wow that worked ok SO I know what you’re thinking: why is my chest hair matted with honey. That’s not important right now. Unrelated. What IS our TOP priority is Yacht Intel. That’s right, I’m auditioning for a task force. So step up and pitch me on why YOU should be on Yacht Squad!

Washington Post got their hands on internal documents from DOGE showing the entire plan to implement resegregation. They're going to purge minorities from government by calling them DEI. www.washingtonpost.com/politics/int...

Listen. Listen. Are you listening?? Ok good. Now get closer. Closer. Read my lips: THE AMBASSADOR HAS A YACHT NAMED DOGE AND THIS WILL NOT STAND TARGET EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY

ATTENTION ALL CREW: I am giving out free hugs today. I know, I know, I know what you’re wondering; “will I be wearing my robe” and the answer to THAT riddle is YES

THE AMBASSADOR HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME AND I WILL BE PROTESTING BY PLAYING NIGHTBIRD UNTIL HIS YACHT EXPLODES

LISTEN UP PEOPLE the Ambassador just hooked up a thumb drive to the main computer and is uploading his yacht photo collection as we speak! HE MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS

ATTENTION ALL CREW the Ambassador is parking his new yacht in MY parking space on Risa YES I have a parking space I’m a frequent loyalty customer but MY space is for a simple SAILBOAT not an environmental MONSTROSITY

DATA omg I’ve been asleep for days. It was a gubernatorial hypersleep. You get it. But no time for that now, we need to prepare for the Ambassador’s visit tonight!! I’m thinking a FULL SPREAD of four loko, a cheese fountain, oranges, pickled pickles, marmite and me on trombone for entertainment.

Data. Listen to me. Right now? The Ambassador is on his yacht. And I have a gift for him, Data. I need you to let me deliver that gift. It’s in this bag. No, never mind what it is, it’s a surprise, that’s the whole point. Just don’t log this particular shuttle flight plan, ok?

So there I was, knee deep in shaving cream, trapped in the airlock of the runabout. Now I know what you’re thinking Data, did I NEED to bring a pallet of shaving cream into the airlock with me? Yes. Did I know it would immediately explode? Irrelevant. The point is, I need you to open the door.

Data I’ve returned with intel on the Ambassadors holiday yacht party. It’s on Risa, which makes total sense, but I can’t allow it. No, someone has to take a stand. Or in this case a Lean. A lean right into the ocean. That’s right Data, I’m going in through the poop deck. No, it’s not the first time.

Data, listen. Are you listening? Ok. Do you see that furniture store? It has a sale on a variety of chairs. I need you to find out which chair can withstand Leaning While Loving, which is a new master class I just decided I’m teaching in ten minutes.

So there I was Bev, barnacled to the hull of the Ambassador’s new yacht like some kind of sea creature. Did I need to start at 0600? Of course. Blending into the boat took time. Once nightfall came I was ready. Or so I thought. You see, I hadn’t counted on my chest skin and hair sticking to the side

Hey kids, any Friday plans? There’s kind of a four loko & cheeseballs vibe going on tonight, am I right? That reminds me, Data, drop whatever you’re doing and find out everything you can about the possibility of a fifth loko. No Wes, I’m deadly serious. If it’s out there, we need to find it.

Ok Data, it’s been 6 days but I’m back with fresh intel on the Ambassadors yacht. Did it cost me? You’re damn right. First, I buried myself on a beach and waited. I knew that it was only a matter of time until he docked. Then I snuck aboard, and noticed the cheese platter. You know I can’t resist 1/

OK so there I was, dressed as a shrubbery, slowly inching my way towards the Ambassador’s dock. Yes Data, you WOULD think a shrub would be out of place in a dock, but you’d be amazed what people filter out. Especially if it doesn’t fit their expectations. Anywho, that’s when I barrel roll out of 1/

ATTENTION ALL CREW: I will be performing a spooktacular version of Nightbird on trombone ALL! NIGHT!! LONG!!

Who wants to go on my haunted hayride??

ATTENTION ALL CREW: long range scans have confirmed that not only does the Ambassador have a brand new yacht, but it’s also Halloween themed. I need your best minds on this people!! Get it up on the big screen!! This is top priority! I except your best ideas!

Commanders Log: I’m on some planet somewhere to meet with the delegates of something. That much is obvious. Why I’m wearing a jungle print thong is less clear, but not altogether surprising. For my extensive report on the chaffing situation, reference the attached pdf.

I’m back from my away mission Data! Yes I know it wasn’t scheduled. Couldn’t be helped, those Klingon spider eggs weren’t going to install themselves on the Ambassador’s yacht! I’ll admit it took time, but in about a month that place will be CRAWLING with HA HA I MADE A PUN DATA DID YOU GET IT

(barging into conference room) HEY DATA, WIRES!! Ok now that I’ve got your attention, let’s get down to brass tacks. Specifically the brass tacks in my ass. Yes, you heard me; the Ambassador left 20 of them on my lounge chair in a TOTALLY unprovoked attack on my hindquarters. So, any ideas?

Ok so there I am Data, minding my own business, making a little woodfired pizza, when I look out to my right and what do I see? You guessed it, the Ambassadors yacht. Just parked near my house. Parked? Do you park a yacht? Better look that up, Data, could be valuable intel. Anyway, I don my sea gear

Data. What is that. Put it up on the big screen. Enhance. Vector left. Enhance. Pan right. Enhance grid 12. Clarify. Pan left. Enhance. Zoom in. Swish pan. Crossfade. Enhance. Dissolve. Enhance. Sum to mono. Convert to stereo. Is it…..it IS. The Ambassador has a new yacht!! ARM PHOTON TORPEDOS

Well hello there. Haven’t seen you around before. Is that a cherry four loko you’re having? Same as me! That can’t be a coincidence. No, that’s fate. Listen, I already know your question so let me answer you: it’s not a banana and I AM happy to—ok this is a mirror. … ….. ……I’m taking this mirror

Hey Data. Couldn’t help but notice you, sitting there at tactical. That’s just my keen Commander senses. Can’t help it. I’m as sharp as a tack. Nothing gets by me. Speaking of which, there are 47 warbirds behind us which I didn’t notice until now, because I was knee deep in ah yes I see you understa

Data, listen up, this is important data for you! HA!! Get it?? Anyway, the Ambassador is staying in the delegation wing and I’ve just filled it with spiders. All kinds. They’re co-existing quite nicely actually. The spiders, not the Ambassador. What I need you to do is to pipe in some doom metal and

My OnlyChairs account!!! Hacked!!! BY THE AMBASSADOR!!!!

RED ALERT I TORE MY GROIN