Time heals all wounds? I'm literally scared of the passage of time.

You should be able to buy fast passes for public bathrooms like at DisneyLand

printing a picture of my butt at the office party but it's a 3D printer

it's so cool that the sky can go dark mode, like my iPhone

I saw a girl with the most beautifully long legs. Her legs were as long as the distance from her hips to the ground. Now I think about it, perhaps they were even longer than that.

it takes me 60 seconds to experience a minute. sometimes longer

Dodos really are the poster child for extinction. Going extinct put those guys on the map. Best thing that ever happened to them, legacy wise.

Freaky Friday but the person I swap with is my identical twin brother. It’s a catastrophic box office flop.

I’d do literally anything to push a slinky down the Mc Escher stairs

a vending machine with priceless vases inside, that fall and smash whenever you make a purchase

no offence but you wouldn't last 60 seconds in the Minute factory

If life is a ship, I realise now my role is not that of the captain. I am more like the figurehead, strapped to the bow of my own life, being steered head-first through experience by some imperceptible crew, by capricious winds.

Why are energy drinks kept in the fridge? That doesn't seem a very energetic place to store them.

My girlfriend wears edible underwear. Which I can’t really stomach the idea of as I’ve only just finished getting through her edible pyjamas and night-gown

Going to a sweet shop to get my edible underwear stitched

someone broke into my house last night and stole loads of interior design ideas/inspiration from me

You shouldn’t have to bet on which horse is the fastest. You should be able to bet on which horse is going to have the best time

the folks at the silent yoga retreat really hated to see me and my vuvuzela coming

i swallowed 1000 jigsaw pieces once and when the doctor's did the X-Ray of my stomach we saw that it had become fully assembled

why are ghost writers allowed? how can you be the author of a book and have a ghost writer? why can't i have a ghost painter? yes i am the artist *although someone else painted this for me

Freaky Friday but the person I switch with is my identical twin brother

a slinky would go bezerk in here

Falling down the stairs whilst holding a slinky because I got confused

they should have subs for the managers in a football game too. just another manager warming up on the bench the whole time.

Drunk tightrope walker zig-zagging his way across

Tightrope walker trying to overcome his fear of widths

must be terrible calling in sick as a papparazzi. because it doesn't matter

I saw a 90 something year old woman reading a self-help book On how to stop overthinking You’ll get there girl

I swear I don’t know anyone who has totally retained their anonymity

decaffeinated espresso shot

the fact I’m blurrier the further away is not a matter of perspective, it’s actually a personality trait I possess

don’t be mean to your boss. it’s their first time living too 💕

don’t be mean to your landlord. it’s their first time living too 💕

Following an author round on a book tour like a music roadie

Microdosing chain smoking by smoking one cigarette

Practicing the walk of shame on the treadmill

National Geographic papparazzi getting photos of famous animals out at dinner

what they don't tell you, is that fairground workers don't buy the prizes wholesale, they also have to win them at a carnival only for carnies.

microscopes answer the questions, what if germs were the size of my regular friends

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

Forgetting my suit of armour before battle and having to borrow one from lost property 😭

Sniper using a microscope as exposure therapy to closeness

Apparently in Australia you gotta check your shoes in case there's snakes in them. Sneaky place for a snake to hide is a shoe. Last place you'd check for an animal that doesn't have feet.

I live on a one-way street, you can only drive down it one way. Horizontally.

The blooper reel from 'The Play That Goes Wrong' and it's just the actual play itself

Rock and roll was easily the least cool thing we could have called it

I don’t know how but I’m only allergic to hairless cats

A fire blanket is great if there's a fire and you want to quickly snuggle up and go to sleep

Whenever I see police tape that says 'Police Line, Do Not Cross' I think - if only they'd put that up before the crime, they could have prevented it

I hate to say it, but my parasite only ever seems to take from me :(