when it comes to telling a doctor if I'm alive or not, my pulse is such a damned snitch

I love hand cream. it's the only cream that's immediately where you need to be when you apply it

What would you do for example, if I were to present you with a hypothetical? Like, how would you act?

Charlie Chaplin's parrot was probably quiet as hell

If you think “manners cost nothing” then you haven’t tried my 8 week online Manners course. It’s insanely expensive.

My friend is a street performer, and recently he moved to Venice and drowned.

Trying to print the online instruction manual on how to fix my printer

Magician showing a girl to his bedroom: So this is where the magic happens but I'll never tell you how

I'm a voice actor with a stunt double. So if there’s a scene in the audio book I’m recording where I need to get hurt, he’ll come in and make all the ‘ouch’ noises.

Watching a blooper reel for a stunt double and it's a normal video where no accidents happen to them

I hate watching trailers for other movies at the cinema. Imagine every time you open a book you have to read 10 different blurbs for other books

Impressing the hot air stewardess by remembering how to inflate my life vest after the plane crash

You’re not allowed to throw litter in the ocean. You need to put it into a bin so a company can professionally throw it in the ocean.

I just held up a nudist colony with a T-Shirt gun. "Give me everything you have or you'll all get clothed!"

I feel like I'm the only guy watching this wet T-shirt contest who's genuinely into competitive moisture retention

I like to keep my decibals minimal these days

A National Park is grass behind a paywall

Impulse buying a plastic carrier bag at the supermarket

Reading Moby Dick is my white whale

I hate when it says on cooking instructions ‘peel corner of the film to open.’ They need to make microwaveable meals for dudes that have cut their nails. It's an untouched demographic.

I'm writing Ferris Bueller but from the teacher's perspective

Basements and attics have the same creepy ass vibe, which shows it really isn’t to do with elevation

When someone takes a photo of me I make sure to stand in the golden ratio.

The magnet industry would be nothing without the invention of the fridge.

The sexual tension between two parallel lines.

Striking oil at the wind farm

A balloon floating off into the sky in the dreams of being a hot air balloon

Investing in casino stocks, so when I lose loads of money at the slot machine the casino does well and my portfolio improves

great news, they just added The Minotaur's Labyrinth to CityMapper

sitting backwards on the electric chair to seem cool

chinese finger trap would go hard here

learning to play the rain stick so my songs sound wetter

Imagine working at the royal mint where they print money. Your salary is, take some.

I love putting a duvet cover in a duvet sheet. It’s like I’m tucking the duvet in before it tucks me in.

Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar? How about I guess how many jars surround those jellybeans

ATMs exchange money in return for money

A lot of of kids talk about being sent to the ‘naughty step’. But I lived in a bungalow. So I lived in a childhood free of consequences.

A toy monster truck is a ridiculous concept. Oh you've got a little version of the thing that's only cool because it's big? Shut up

A truck is a limo for cargo

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the helicopter and so inadvertently invented the propellor hat

They could really do with sign posting the Minotaur's Labyrinth

Stairmasters are lame. They should make a bannister-master that I can slide down forever.

Getting so old you install a stairlift just to climb your stairmaster

Before paper was invented we wrote on stone tablets. So books back in the day were so expensive because they were literally all hard back.

Wearing gloves during the palm reading because I want my future to remain a mystery

I don’t play strip poker because it’s sexy, I play strip poker to win clothes. I invite all my fashion friends round and try to win their wide leg trousers.

My girlfriend didn't find my edible underwear very erotic. That being said she had only just worked her way through my edible jeans.

Oil is made from dinosaur bones. The gas station is just a liquid version of the natural history museum.

I want to pick the thoughts out of your head like a monkey does ticks

As an act of revenge my teacher wrote me a note to get me out of my doctor’s appointment