Andy Watts
@andywatts.bsky.social
š¤ 193
š„ 46
š 360
i hope elon buys this one too!!!!!!!
when it comes to telling a doctor if I'm alive or not, my pulse is such a damned snitch
4 days ago
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I love hand cream. it's the only cream that's immediately where you need to be when you apply it
4 days ago
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What would you do for example, if I were to present you with a hypothetical? Like, how would you act?
4 days ago
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Charlie Chaplin's parrot was probably quiet as hell
4 days ago
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If you think āmanners cost nothingā then you havenāt tried my 8 week online Manners course. Itās insanely expensive.
4 days ago
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My friend is a street performer, and recently he moved to Venice and drowned.
5 days ago
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Trying to print the online instruction manual on how to fix my printer
18 days ago
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Magician showing a girl to his bedroom: So this is where the magic happens but I'll never tell you how
25 days ago
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I'm a voice actor with a stunt double. So if thereās a scene in the audio book Iām recording where I need to get hurt, heāll come in and make all the āouchā noises.
25 days ago
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Watching a blooper reel for a stunt double and it's a normal video where no accidents happen to them
25 days ago
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I hate watching trailers for other movies at the cinema. Imagine every time you open a book you have to read 10 different blurbs for other books
25 days ago
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Impressing the hot air stewardess by remembering how to inflate my life vest after the plane crash
25 days ago
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Youāre not allowed to throw litter in the ocean. You need to put it into a bin so a company can professionally throw it in the ocean.
25 days ago
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I just held up a nudist colony with a T-Shirt gun. "Give me everything you have or you'll all get clothed!"
25 days ago
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I feel like I'm the only guy watching this wet T-shirt contest who's genuinely into competitive moisture retention
25 days ago
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I like to keep my decibals minimal these days
about 1 month ago
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A National Park is grass behind a paywall
about 2 months ago
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Impulse buying a plastic carrier bag at the supermarket
about 2 months ago
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Reading Moby Dick is my white whale
about 2 months ago
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I hate when it says on cooking instructions āpeel corner of the film to open.ā They need to make microwaveable meals for dudes that have cut their nails. It's an untouched demographic.
about 2 months ago
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I'm writing Ferris Bueller but from the teacher's perspective
about 2 months ago
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Basements and attics have the same creepy ass vibe, which shows it really isnāt to do with elevation
about 2 months ago
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When someone takes a photo of me I make sure to stand in the golden ratio.
about 2 months ago
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The magnet industry would be nothing without the invention of the fridge.
about 2 months ago
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The sexual tension between two parallel lines.
about 2 months ago
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Striking oil at the wind farm
about 2 months ago
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A balloon floating off into the sky in the dreams of being a hot air balloon
about 2 months ago
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Investing in casino stocks, so when I lose loads of money at the slot machine the casino does well and my portfolio improves
2 months ago
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great news, they just added The Minotaur's Labyrinth to CityMapper
2 months ago
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sitting backwards on the electric chair to seem cool
2 months ago
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chinese finger trap would go hard here
2 months ago
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learning to play the rain stick so my songs sound wetter
2 months ago
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Imagine working at the royal mint where they print money. Your salary is, take some.
2 months ago
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I love putting a duvet cover in a duvet sheet. Itās like Iām tucking the duvet in before it tucks me in.
2 months ago
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Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar? How about I guess how many jars surround those jellybeans
2 months ago
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ATMs exchange money in return for money
2 months ago
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A lot of of kids talk about being sent to the ānaughty stepā. But I lived in a bungalow. So I lived in a childhood free of consequences.
3 months ago
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A toy monster truck is a ridiculous concept. Oh you've got a little version of the thing that's only cool because it's big? Shut up
3 months ago
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A truck is a limo for cargo
3 months ago
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Leonardo Da Vinci invented the helicopter and so inadvertently invented the propellor hat
3 months ago
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They could really do with sign posting the Minotaur's Labyrinth
3 months ago
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Stairmasters are lame. They should make a bannister-master that I can slide down forever.
3 months ago
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Getting so old you install a stairlift just to climb your stairmaster
3 months ago
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Before paper was invented we wrote on stone tablets. So books back in the day were so expensive because they were literally all hard back.
3 months ago
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Wearing gloves during the palm reading because I want my future to remain a mystery
3 months ago
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I donāt play strip poker because itās sexy, I play strip poker to win clothes. I invite all my fashion friends round and try to win their wide leg trousers.
3 months ago
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My girlfriend didn't find my edible underwear very erotic. That being said she had only just worked her way through my edible jeans.
3 months ago
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Oil is made from dinosaur bones. The gas station is just a liquid version of the natural history museum.
3 months ago
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I want to pick the thoughts out of your head like a monkey does ticks
3 months ago
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As an act of revenge my teacher wrote me a note to get me out of my doctorās appointment
3 months ago
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