Recording a 4 hour podcast with the boys into the recording device at the Build a Bear Workshop

Apparently a lot of owners look like their pets. Which is why I’m keeping a supermodel at home in a kennel

My wife said I could have one celebrity hall pass. So now I need a way of making the hot barista down the road really really famous

i'm taking my monk buddy to a casino soon to cure him of his lack of material desire

(with a superyacht in mind) i think i belong out on the open waters

I want to be out in nature. Or, failing that, inside a mall on a super yacht.


All jobs are part-time jobs man. That’s not all my time.

Propaganda hasn’t worked on me one bit or least so says my glorious leader

taking a thirst-trap and never posting it because I want the thirst itself trapped, not the thirstee

me suffering another earth-shattering heartache: i'm such a creature of habit 😌

Yeah I like rock and roll. I like rap and roll. I like classical and roll. More roll honestly.

Got arrested for being drunk and orderly (got so hammered that I broke into a library and rearranged all the books alphabetically)

I watched a PG movie the other day with my parents. And to be fair to them their guidance throughout was invaluable.

Rather than kill King Kong, they should have allowed him to evolve for 20,000 years and become a huge human. Then he could have helped rebuild the Empire State Building instead.

Don't joke. My short friend died of Little Man Syndrome.

Dying during one of Jigsaw's games because I got distracted and procrastinated

Apologising for butt dialing from a pay phone

No company is more effected by declining population rates than MoonPig. Every time someone is born, that is 100 potential sale opportunities. MoonPig lobbyists don't need to advertise cards, they need to advertise sex to young people.

I like how the space button on the keyboard, takes up the most space of any key. Practice what you preach I guess.

Why do breadcrumbs cost more than bread at the supermarket? Someone who works at pricing at the supermarket is trying to scalp Hansel and Gretel

If I was the letter S I'd be real cocky. Because every time I saw a singular noun I'd be like, hey dude... Need two of those? 😎

Stickers don’t occur on apples in mother nature, we put those on.

Whoever wrote the Hokey Cokey was a real control freak. You want me to put my left foot in, my right foot out? How about you play your beautiful music, and we let the rhythm do the rest

imagine how nervous you’d be to do the monster mash, and then how unbelievable you’d feel if it turned out to be a graveyard smash, such a high man

you should be able to use ingredients to make a meal, and then sell that meal back to the supermarket at a profit

i own the world's largest collection of books about minimalism

Donating my body to science when I die. And also P.E. and geography

history is written by the victors. so if you're ever fighting a ton of authors, consider letting them win, so history is a better read later on

busking with my air guitar. asking strangers to put coins in my air trilby.

A lot of people look at my life and think it looks boring. But they have no idea how many celebrities I am living vicariously through right now.

if you're an introvert who doesn't like excitement, may I recommend that you live vicariously through me

I like when people buy key chains to make their key more personable and unique, when nothing is more personable and unique than the key itself.

A vending machine with fine china in it would be a bad idea. Want some shards? Press AA.

Fussball should come with rods parallel to the table, so a third person can pretend to be the crowd

Bottles of poison always seem to have a skull and cross bones on. It's like they're saying, "Hey, if you drink this, you will become the logo."

I like mannequins in clothes stores because they show you what the clothes would look like on a person. They should have mannequins in restaurant windows. So I know what I would look like with that hamburger.

I hate how talking with your mouth full is considered rude, but talking with your mouth empty isn't considered incredibly polite. There's really no winning.

AirPods should have cotton on them, so you can bud your ears whilst listening to music

I went to a coffee shop where they were collecting tips in a paper coffee cup. Like damn they’ve had so little tips they can’t even afford a jar.

The splitting up of Pangea into separate continents was a huge boon for EasyJet

Serious question, what did people do for leisure before GoApe?

Someone stole a wheel from your bike? What a negative way to look at the fact you’ve just been gifted a unicycle

Using the panoramic camera to take the most immersive nudes ever seen

Minimalist with two pens: good grief I’ve become a hoarder

Writing down all the pros and cons and concluding that the pros are better

Checking someone’s pulse is only ok if you think they’re dead. It’s rude otherwise.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t born in a different year, because otherwise I would never be able to guess my PIN code

when it comes to telling a doctor if I'm alive or not, my pulse is such a damned snitch

I love hand cream. it's the only cream that's immediately where you need to be when you apply it

What would you do for example, if I were to present you with a hypothetical? Like, how would you act?