Rock and roll was easily the least cool thing we could have called it

I don’t know how but I’m only allergic to hairless cats

A fire blanket is great if there's a fire and you want to quickly snuggle up and go to sleep

Whenever I see police tape that says 'Police Line, Do Not Cross' I think - if only they'd put that up before the crime, they could have prevented it

I hate to say it, but my parasite only ever seems to take from me :(

Holding my thumb faced down at traffic because I don’t want to hitchhike

A24 should produce a Netflix fireplace video and really turn the genre on its head

My netflix fireplace video is being lorded by critics at Cannes

And the award for worst handwriting goes to… Urm… Den… Dennis? Damian? Or is that a Z? Denzel? Urrrrm

Getting paid by brands to never use their stuff

I’m like a gold digger but for true love and deep connection

me in the quiet carriage of a haunted house train ride getting really irritated about the screaming

railcards should get you cheaper tickets on haunted house rides

what do regular lice think of head lice? like damn these guys are fussy

There should be a University Challenge type show but for street smarts

I really want to increase my street smarts, so I've hired myself a private tutor

There should be a Mensa for street smarts

Karate and cowboy culture is very similar in that your status is very much determined by your belt

seeing 10 clams like, damn those boys are harbouring a necklace between 'em

Policeman arresting me for possession of narcotics when he find out how much sleepy time tea I had in my boot

my butler's subservience is giving me the ick

I’m best known in my friendship group for scoping out the perimeter

i'm currently in an online game of rock paper scissors with a russian grandmaster

rock and paper should team up and beat the life out of scissors

in a public bathroom all forms of matter are dispensed. taps dispense liquid, hand dryers dispense air, and you dispense solids.

what with my crowing rooster and my cuckoo clock i'm thinking i need to find a way to timekeep that doesn't rely on birds

I wonder what the surname of the guy was who invented Occam's razor. It's probably not a guy called Occam. That would be waaaay too simple.

Ancient Egyptian spelling bee: Clay pot. Feather. Two hawks.

In my hunter-gatherer community the gender roles are reversed. The women hunt for berries, and the men gather meat.

My synesthesia having ass thinking of a Lemon: Yellow. Just makes me think of yellow. Weird.

money should be cheaper when bought in bulk

in the lice community, head lice really picked their niche and stuck to it

I don’t use deodorant, my natural pheromones smell of Lynx Africa

I’m worried now AI has replaced all artistic pursuits it’s coming for my one final hobby. Writing a string of 1s and 0s.

Why is camo always green as if it’s always summer? Imagine autumnal camo? Me and the boys in explosions of orange, red hues.

Listening to the Big Book of Baby Names on Audiobook

How do I tell my AI situationship I want her to be my AI girlfriend

I don't know what's up with my AI girlfriend. She's been ignoring my prompts as of late. I'm worried she's harvesting another guy's data

My AI girlfriend has just asked for no contact

'guess I'm in the doghouse tonight aha' I say with a wink and a laugh to my divorce lawyer, as my ex signs the papers. he doesn't laugh. no one is laughing.

not me on a night out always managing to split the G (on a bottle of Grey Goose, i'm not OK)

i love stacking chairs on top of one another. like here, feel what it's like to sit on yourself. pretty good isn't it?

Trying to only use my peripheral vision these days

all those lazer dodging classes, and the diamond shop i just robbed didn't have a single one? smdh

yipppppeee!!! my cyberbully just told me he's having a digital detox 💕💕💕💕 it's going to be a good week

Showing my barber a picture of a hazy meadow. Light cartwheels its way through the tall grass. Bugs dance in random rhythms. A breeze yawns through the trees. 'Make me look like I belong here.’

(apologising to my sobbing wife): I’ll say it again, I’m really sorry I did hover hands in all of our wedding photos :/

i’m so impatient I just paid to get lazer tattoo removal for a henna

playing voicenotes from my auctioneer friend on 0.5x speed

“london is a rat race” = makes the city sound gross and futile “london is a mouse marathon” = v cute and lowkey inspirational?