The generic name of my blood pressure medication is abbreviated "metoprolol succ" on the bottle, & I've been trying to figure out a "she ______ on my _______ until I _______" phrase with it ever since I noticed, since I am very old (high blood pressure) and also very young (immature sense of humor)

Me, an unwilling viewer of many, many Hallmark Christmas movies, talking to a gay couple: So, which one of you wears the red sweater and which one wears the green one?

Samoa cheesecake bars!

It should be a comfort that John Hurt had perma-eyebags just like me, but it really isn't, since I could never dance like he did as Caligula.

For a second, I wanted a YuuO version of Wuthering Heights (nothing to do with the new movie), but then I remembered that Cathy is more like Koito than like Yuusaku.

I wish I were charismatic, rich, and male enough to run for governor. There are a lot of Newsom messes to clean up. (The cat-declawing and no puppy mills laws can stay, though.)

Dumb idea or dumbest idea: What if I took commissions, but they were free? I could only deliver the finished pieces digitally anyway. Of course, I don't know how to publicize this or anything. I just want people to tell me what to do, I guess.

Lemon-rosemary bars with blackberry ice cream! Probably should have strained the blackberry puree. 🤷‍♀️

I keep reading novels where middle-aged/elderly women realize they're bi or lesbian and immediately find a partner and live happily ever after, and I'm just like:

No offense to folk troubadour Donovan, but is he ever going to cite any sources for his claims in "Atlantis"?

Has anyone ever done a list of Joan of Arc movies ranked by how much the author wanted Joan to sit on their face? Female list-makers only!

The macaron recipe I tried was awful, so I crumbled them up and put them in fior di latte gelato with some cream cheese frosting!

Pettily gratified to get a hit that said "_________ is a dumb bitch" after Googling a writer who was like, "My dad home-schooled me. And don't say we were privileged, because we didn't have much money, and my parents still managed", in a YouTube video about literacy.

I'm officially too dumb to get Clarice Lispector. Guess it's back to reading the Hardy Boys for me!

Me: Maybe I should unfollow this person who is more productive than me. It's making me feel worse about myself. Also me: If I unfollow everyone who's more productive than me, I won't follow anyone.

I liked this until I photographed this. Maybe I need to learn how to take better pictures of my art? 🤷‍♀️

Why is the King of Hearts stabbing himself in the head with a sword? Is it because of Feelings?

Oh no, am I going to have to come to grips with the fact that Paul is my favorite Beatle?

Oh sure, Carol Kane could wear her hair like that and look beautiful, but when I do it, I'm an embarrassment and my mom won't be seen at Costco with me.

If there IS someone living in our crawlspace, I feel kind of bad for them, because we all keep odd hours that overlap, two of us almost never leave the house, and there are hardly any snacks around.

I need to find a novel that's more compelling than hoof videos.

Ways I Spend My Time: Trying to rewrite the INXS song "Never Tear Us Apart" to be "Never Trust a Fart". In other news, my 12-year-old nephew has outgrown my sense of humor.

So does anyone else always think they're going to see that dog-faced man thing from The Shining blowing that guy every time they open the door to a certain room in their house, or did I just luck out in that respect?

On the second page of this book, the author mentioned "gouts of sperm circling a plughole." Is this an example of Chekhov's Dick?

For whom do I have to leave walnuts to get an invite to the "sit in a tree and scream" thing the ravens in my neighborhood have going?

I got through my whole mammogram without using the words tit, boob, nork, or jubbly, and all I have to show for it is this bruised breast (tata) bone!

Why would you call cookies with a jizzy glaze and whipped cream topping "Better Than Sex cookies" when you could have gone with the much more apt "Creampie cookies"?

I've had "99 Luftballons" stuck in my head for days, but I have actually seen keine Luftballons.

I almost made the approving Marge Simpson noise when the phlebotomist said she understood my public restroom phobia because people are disgusting.

Oh, what a surprise, another book about a writer. I know I'm just being cranky, but I've taken a dim view of mostly autobiographical fiction since an annoying classmate entered the same piece for a fiction and a nonfiction contest.

The misuse of commas and lack of semicolons in this book are making my teeth itch.

Questionable Activity of the Day: Singing "W.A.P." in the style of the B-52s in front of my children (cats).

Orange double-chocolate brownies with homemade vanilla ice cream and hot fudge sauce!

I think I need a mug that says "Don't talk to me until I've watched my hoof videos" on it.

I forgot Facebook could tempt me with things I want (hoof videos).

I slept nearly forever this morning because I was having a dream that was a very complex Fourth Doctor-era Doctor Who episode in which Tom Baker wore Estelle Getty's Sophia wig from The Golden Girls.

This looked better on the board/in my delusions, but anyway, I drew Bae Doona as Han Yeojin in Stranger!

I know male authors like to keep readers up-to-date on what their male characters' penises are doing, but why is this female author so determined to keep me abreast of what her female MC's child son is doing with his penis? I don't want to know!

In summary, "Tootie" shoulda farted more, so the name made sense. Anyway, thank y'all for coming to my TED Talk.

Can you really see John Ritter's balls in that one episode of Three's Company, or is it just a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson like the "ghost" in Three Men and a Baby?

If not for being old and fat, I think I would make an excellent rhythmic gymnast, because I'm really good at throwing things with my toes.

I clicked on this video thinking I was going to hear about a woman passing a 19-pound stool, but instead they tried to sell me tea. TEA. What has the internet become?!

Trying to decide if "flicking [one's] hate-bean" should be used as an alternative to "stroking [one's] hate-boner".

Why are there so many match-3 games in which you can torment people from various parts of history but not a single one where you can make Hitler get crushed by rubble or be eaten by a giant snake?

I always thought people were exaggerating when they said they could tell a novel had started out as fanfiction, but I'm reading The Ministry of Time, and even without the mentions of characters from The Terror, yeah, I can tell.

Turning Truffles into Ice Cream, Part 8: Salted caramel ice cream with a ribbon of salted caramel and milk chocolate stracciatella, served with langue de chat cookies sandwiched with salted caramel, dipped in milk chocolate! Now I need a new dessert project.

Me, watching the opening scene of Becket: Who'll take the king with the skinny legs? Now, you all know the king with the skinny legs got to have somebody too now!

Fremen Hate Her: Local Woman Incapable of Holding Container of Water Without Spilling It.