Wait, it’s Christmas? Shit, I didn’t know they invented that yet. I’m not in the era I thought I was. Um, unrelated, do you have any or maybe know someone who could get me some radioactive material and antimatter? It’s definitely not related to powering a time travel machine or anything, promise.

All I get to eat are Rice Krispy Bars™️. Every meal of every day for the last 15 years. I’ve been trapped within a machine at the Rice Krispy™️ factory. I can’t get help or move my body, because I’m twisted up within the metal and bolts, and if I move I’ll die. I can only eat what falls in my mouth.

I’m writing this on what I believe is a magical diary. Every time I fill a page, every word disappears. Where is it going? Is someone receiving this message? Hello out there! Write me back sometime! I’m being silly. This is actually a Bluesky post! Magic isn’t real. I’m just posting on the Internet.

I am the owner and curator of Wikipedia. Every single fucking thing on my website is made up. If you have ever believed anything I ever wrote on there, you are a gullible fool. Always do your own research using real sources. My source? My evil mind. My sick psyche. My innate ability to tell lies.

Duuude, no… I just woke up with this fucking tattoo on my face. It says… “I run @myfreakingdiary on Bluesky and Twitter”?? Fuuuck… That’s so embarrassing. Everyone is gonna know. How much did I drink last night? Like 2 beers? I was wasted. I need to wear a ski mask or something. Look like a burglar.

40 years ago I bought something called “the Internet”. Since then, I’ve created trillions of fake websites and accounts across them all to create the illusion of a social sphere. I spent billions. Why, you ask? For this. So that one day, you and I could connect like this. Isn’t it just wonderful?

I just bought this new 506-in-1 shampoo. It has some awesome features in it. It works as a gun, for instance. It can be used as weed killer. It’s a great drink. I personally love using it as a steroid. My kids love the AI features. My ugly piece of shit chud husband loves using it as lube. Whatever.

I was the star of my high school track team. One night, the team met up at night, to just hang out. At some point during the night, they all looked up at the night sky, blanketed with shining stars. They pointed to one of them, and said it was their guiding star. I was that star. I am so honored.

Grueling 2 hour long shift today. I left early because I threatened to kill myself in front of a customer I didn’t like and got fired. It was my first day. Oh well, I’ll just find work somewhere that appreciates my suicidal ideation. Like Starbucks. Or McDonalds. Or a bar. Maybe an 80s themed diner.

Howdy. I’m a cow-boy. And let me tell you the story of how in 1872, I, uh… I did something. Um, I think it had something to do with horses? Like, I definitely rode one… Was there a duel? No, no there wasn’t a duel, that’s that other story… I think the law got involved somewhere in there. Sorry.

Wow. I love your car. Rubs my hand across the hood. I love this color. What engine you got in there? Caresses the wheel. Wow… Ever thought about lowering the suspension? Licks the fuel cap a little bit. Does this baby have manual or automatic? Spanks the trunk. You should install some turbo. Fucks t

By the grace of God, I will be struck down. It is because I suck. I have no friends or family or reason to live. It’s bullshit. I do like strawberry milk, though. If they ever stopped making it I would kill myself. I drink a gallon a day and it’s the only thing that makes me smile or feel any joy.

If a zombie apocalypse happened I would be the only person to survive, because the zombies are my personal army, and I will make them kill everyone except for me. Since I am a genius, and master strategist, nobody will be able to survive my army. Pray that this event never happens, or it’s over.

I am the most famous person in the world. People listen to what I say. I don’t say anything, though. I just make noise. Loud, disgusting noise. Half of the planet is deaf. Because of me. But the ones who aren’t cannot stop listening. Fucking addicts. I’m worse than meth. But I do love cocaine, a lot

I spent 3 years in a hedge maze as a child. I went with my parents and got lost. I survived by drinking dew from the leaves and eating sticks and grass. I finally found my way outside. I will never enter a maze again. Puzzles are generally stupid. I hate following steps and solving things. It sucks.

i also made it on twitter with the same @ and theyre going to have completely different posts so check out the twitter edition too if youre still on there

Sometimes, I like to take a bite out of a bar of soap just to feel something. When I was a child, my parents would often “wash my mouth out”. I said nasty little words like darn and dang. I’m a sinner, and I’m gonna burn for eternity. I’ve come to terms with this. It’s sad, but sad things happen.