Wow. I love your car. Rubs my hand across the hood. I love this color. What engine you got in there? Caresses the wheel. Wow… Ever thought about lowering the suspension? Licks the fuel cap a little bit. Does this baby have manual or automatic? Spanks the trunk. You should install some turbo. Fucks t

By the grace of God, I will be struck down. It is because I suck. I have no friends or family or reason to live. It’s bullshit. I do like strawberry milk, though. If they ever stopped making it I would kill myself. I drink a gallon a day and it’s the only thing that makes me smile or feel any joy.

If a zombie apocalypse happened I would be the only person to survive, because the zombies are my personal army, and I will make them kill everyone except for me. Since I am a genius, and master strategist, nobody will be able to survive my army. Pray that this event never happens, or it’s over.

I am the most famous person in the world. People listen to what I say. I don’t say anything, though. I just make noise. Loud, disgusting noise. Half of the planet is deaf. Because of me. But the ones who aren’t cannot stop listening. Fucking addicts. I’m worse than meth. But I do love cocaine, a lot

I spent 3 years in a hedge maze as a child. I went with my parents and got lost. I survived by drinking dew from the leaves and eating sticks and grass. I finally found my way outside. I will never enter a maze again. Puzzles are generally stupid. I hate following steps and solving things. It sucks.

i also made it on twitter with the same @ and theyre going to have completely different posts so check out the twitter edition too if youre still on there

Sometimes, I like to take a bite out of a bar of soap just to feel something. When I was a child, my parents would often “wash my mouth out”. I said nasty little words like darn and dang. I’m a sinner, and I’m gonna burn for eternity. I’ve come to terms with this. It’s sad, but sad things happen.