Someone asked me what I did on my birthday. I said look, I’m 52 now. I pee a lot.

52 today. How the fuck have I survived this long.

Listening to my 16 year old stepdaughter and her boyfriend outside with the volleyball. I think they’ve called each other “bro” about 60 times in the last 10 minutes.

They should have an MLB contest to see who else can throw a no-hitter on acid

So sick and fucking tired of the goddamn high school step son SLEEPING ON MY FUCKING BEDROOM FLOOR every single night. And refusing to remove his dirty dishes from my bedroom. My wife doesn’t enforce any of this…and somehow she thinks this is normal/ok. It’s fucking NOT.

One fucking disappointment after another in the last 30 days. Fuck this shit.

Listen. open.spotify.com/track/0BaCYS...

I just remembered one night in a nasty strip club in Minneapolis some guy tried to sell me long distance calling cards in the bathroom.

I quit nicotine gum three weeks ago. It sucks royally. I need a new bad habit now. Don’t have any left…

So proud of this brand new album release by legendary keyboardist of The Who and tons of others, John “Rabbit” Bundrick. This song features my lyrics and vocals. open.spotify.com/track/0BaCYS...

Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Tuberville 😆👍

We have no choice.

Nothing like hearing a bro country tune about a Chevy Silverado that uses auto tune before 7am. God, we suck.

A trip to the prison-bar-protected Asian market always makes for a better day.

$380 to check my blood sugar. That’s nuts.

Night two of fucked up dreams. Same co-worker, this time we were in Mexico exploring ruins.

Weird dream last night that I banged a co-worker after we escaped a locked airplane hangar, evaded the enemy and alarm systems. Odd.

Fucking hate this city. Literally every stop light is red. No stores have anything in stock. And I’m pretty sure most drivers after 5pm are fucking drunk or nearly there. Yes - I’m grumpy as hell today.

Can’t buy a fucking single Apple product in this shitty town.

Getting pretty sick and tired of a FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL KID sleeping on my bedroom floor every night. My wife won’t say shit. Lets him do it. It’s stupid. And insane. And highly detrimental to ANYONE’s mental health. Including my own. Not to mention how dysfunctional this kid is. Jesus Christ.

Why can’t schools keep kids from 6am until like 7pm? This six hour school day crap is really convenient for people who are really just trying to work an 8 hour day.

Starbucks milf flirts episode 2

Just fucking stop poisoning EVERYTHING with your stupid-ass face and scribble. Stop.

Why can’t anyone in this house get out in time? Clocks don’t exist?

🎼 “My Doctor gave me amphetamines”🎼

Amazing how many grown men still have bowl cuts. At least in my town.

Starbucks lady flirts with me. I can live with that…

Words I don’t care to ever hear again: Deal. MAHA. MAGA. Etc etc.

I’m publishing my new book of parental poems called “Everybody Watches TV While I Empty The Dishwasher.” The first poem is called “Who Never Takes Out The Garbage.”

To watch my wife say goodbye to her nearly 21 year old cat is devastating. More devastating for her to say goodbye but this is tough.

I simultaneously love and hate payday. Great to have money dumped in my bank account but within the afternoon most of it is gone. To people and places other than me. Cue another two weeks of depression.

I find it fascinating that I’m part of a really cool album release in Europe coming out May 29 and when I pre-ordered some copies of MY OWN ALBUM I discovered I’m getting charged $17 in tariffs. For my own album. By my own country. Thanks Trump. It’s not the importers paying these tariffs…

Listen. youtu.be/3fZgts57Fp0?...

I don’t know where I got $400 in eCredits from Delta but I’ll take ‘em.

The sassy waitress at the cafe isn’t here today. What a poor way to start my day.

Trump is going to use a nuke, isn’t he?

She’s from Texas I can tell.

On today’s episode of What Did My Stepdaughter’s Boyfriend Throw in The Recycle Bin - shredded cheese. Yesterday it was a soupy yogurt lid.

Young men in their 20s and 30s are increasingly drawn to catheters. What kind of spam email is this?

The amount of people coughing and hacking up cigarette phlegm at the Chinese buffet tonight reminds me of those late nights at a casino.

Kids are home all week for spring break. I work from home. How many times have I reminded them in the last five years that I don’t want to listen to Fortnite shouting all fucking day while I work? And neither do my clients or leadership.

The wife has decided tomorrow is a day to drink with her co-workers at an event downtown. And now her alcoholic brother has decided to join her “for a bit”. I know exactly how both of these episodes will end…badly. Mostly for me as I am always the one to clean up the mess.

Why do we live in such a shitty timeline? 70% of the country hate this motherfucker and we have to look at his lousy ass on money and shit?

I’m really not that interested in this town.

I find it hilarious that Iran continues to troll Trump with Lego videos. So on point as well in every frame…

This timeline gets weirder and weirder by the day. Not the Onion either.

Why is everyone in this house so lazy?