why would anyone trust some puke named "stouffer" to make a da lasagñe

First person on earth to google “Mary berry 3d .stl”

Do corndogs count as lollipops

It’s crazy how easily “this is the worst salmon jerkey I’ve ever had” can turn into “this is the best salmon jerkey for dogs I’ve ever had”

I wish there was a law that made it so if you bought a Ferrari your job has to be as cool as the car itself. Tired of thinking I’m gonna see James Harden or something and then it turns out it’s just some consultant named Josh

“I’m deliberately dressed like a Gen Z even though it’s obvious how old I am” is a new genre of bad dream for me, akin to forgetting a test or going to school naked

Always takes me out of a book when someone “purses their lips” at something. Literally don’t even know what that means or how to do that 👜

Pro tip: anytime u want to say something “manly” on social media, make sure to include at least one photo of Peaky from Peaky Blinders

my mom said someone in church said that jesus “will return through a black hole” and “might have an exoskeleton”. thinking about becoming religious again

“No Christmas song can be written that’s a bigger bummer than greensleeves” The girl who did a samba cover of I want a hippopotamus for Christmas: *laughs evilly*

Part of the reason why jabronies like getting steak and eggs is that instead of normal cutlery, it comes with a sick close combat weapon

[guy from the offspring telling you what to do with the eggs when making egg nog]: “You gotta keep ‘em separated”

A big balloon archway outside the MetroPCS by my house like wtf do they have to celebrate

Excited to be able to use this as a meme in reference to Bluesky (dont know what for yet): www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIsI...

Who would be cast in Leave the World Behind if the cast had to be entirely muppets ??

Never seen it but would the opposite of Cool hand luke be warm foot Vader ??

[To the tune of “Be Still my Heart” by The Postal Service]: I was eating too much crepes, Too many savory crepes, I was feeling great, But I started to puke When I hit the vape

Everybody on here posts "hobbies and interests" in their bio, which I have none of. My only hobby is to go on youtube and watch all the "Substitute teacher freakout" videos, mostly to make sure I'm not in them. So far so good

I have a reminder on my phone every day that just says "do that one skin thing"

[leonard cohen hallelujah voice] cowabunga

Damn remember like 6 months ago when "Adele was going to make it so Spotify wouldn't shuffle albums anymore" and we all just, believed it? Don't you ever feel like we're all just idiots?

I think I’m gonna start referring to the universe as “the ranch”, that way wherever I go I’m always Back on the Ranch

Hey I’m trying to start a Twin Peaks themed Chinese restaurant called Fire Wok With Me if anyone wants in on the ground floor