Yeah I’m fueled by spite. REspite! I am lying down

They’re carbonating me tomorrow

A swimsuit is underwear you can wear around your dad.

I’ll kill us both before I’ll let a waymo merge

he/they she/they holiday inn

I bet giving your hardest battles to your strongest soldier feels so good if you’re god

I didn’t realize Siberia even had trans people, let alone an orchestra

some incredibly talented friends of mine, Jacks Maughlin and @griffinkelly.bsky.social (who starred in the short film @susanlbridges.bsky.social and i wrote and directed!) are making a very queer webseries and deserve your support show ‘em some love and help ‘em get it made! 🩷

@griffinkelly.bsky.social starred in our short Long Away, and I knew from working with with her that she was a phenomenal talent and this show? it’s one of THE greatest things I’ve ever seen it is BRILLIANT there’s still some tickets left for this Sunday’s show GO SEE IT, LA

are there any grants for girls who just want to lounge around?

these are the days we lib for

please god find it in your heart to hit me with a waymo

The venn diagram of being gentle with oneself and cancelling plans last minute is a perfect circle

Attempted murder is so embarrassing like not only are you a failure but you’re also going to jail

If we rally together I bet we can cyber bully her into an eating disorder by thanksgiving

I didn’t even know the kid was in there I just like smashing car windows

Science should invent a turd that doesn’t hurt when you poop it

me: if you can get infected from a sick person sneezing on you, you should be able to get cured from a healthy person sneezing on you waitress: so you did wanna see a dessert menu, or

The thing about the Empire State Building is that’s what it is.

What happened in 2001 nine elevenologically can never happen again

If I see your girl you better believe she’s gonna be walking normal tomorrow! I am a chiropractor.

Going to McDonalds, ordering a McEvil, and refusing to leave until they bring it to me.

Father has confiscated my attaché case again. Requesting an extension on the analytics report until I have access to my documents. My epipen was in there also.

I think it’s cowardly and unpatriotic that the roku city skyline doesn’t feature the twin towers

Did you know you can do autoerotic asphyxiation without the asphyxiation part?

Cosplay gives us an answer to the age-old question: what if this beloved character was also a little ugly

Yeah, I like hiking. Hiking up my SKIRT #slutlife

Ah, chicken. Tuna of the land.

Spotify Wrapped? More like fart if I crapped!

Fellas is it gay to get startled

I’m like if Stevie Wonder was white and a woman and could see and didn’t know how to play the piano.

To a calendrical mind like mine, march madness is just madness

The english language really lost its way with gubernatorial.

glad kokomo is a made up place because if it were real it would likely have a legacy of violent forced democracy at the hands of the british or french

Evil Dolly Parton: find the bad in everyone

This machine scoops up field mice and bops ‘em on the head

hi sharks, are you mad at me