Just had my fortune told at the garden centre. The fuchsia looks good.

My favourite childhood memory is not having a job.

I’ve told my wife I’m doing everything I can to make a second honeymoon possible for her. I’m giving her the divorce papers tomorrow.

“I’ve been given an award for my research into muscle wasting diseases” “Dystrophy?” “No that one’s for darts, the one next to it”.

Today, I kept 3 of my resolutions by running 6km, starting my novel and sorting my cupboards. If I just stop lying I’ll have kept them all.

Stop Anal Itching Now! Especially if that’s you standing in front of me in the Sainsbury's queue in Darlington.

There are certain topics that should not be mentioned in polite society under any circumstances. I’ve no idea what they are.

My wife just gave me her go thither look.

I think it’s time to take this relationship to the next level. Goodbye.

Yes, technically you COULD stab someone with the handle of a knife, but that isn’t the point.

A lot of people asking about my homosexual stance. It’s exactly the same as my heterosexual stance. Just with nicer slacks.

I instantly regretted my decision to attend Technotronic’s colonic irrigation clinic as they began to pump up the jam.

“I can’t remember the name of the movie company with a mountain in its logo” “Is it paramount?” “Not really, it’s just bugging me”

“On her birthday I’m always trying to smother the wife with gifts” “What gifts?” “Pillows, cushions..”

I once met King Charles III when we sat in a steamroller at a charity event and we had a really good conversation. That’s the thing about steamrollers – they’re great levellers.

I’ve been working on this Rubik’s Cube for three hours and just now figured out how to open the package.

Do a little dance. Make a little love, Get thrown out of the late night Esso garage again.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn’t realise her coupons had expired.

Just with my new girlfriend. Put my foot hard on the pedal. She wasn’t impressed. Turns out she’d seen a bin open like that before.

My girlfriend dumped me because she found out I like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She isn’t talking to Tiffany either.

*lights a scented candle* Wife: “Are you being romantic or did you just fart?” Me: “Why can’t it be both?”

I went to the doctor with high blood pressure. He told me it was all the rage.

I’ve just sold my soul to the devil, and also a couple of funk LPs I was trying to get rid of.

My Grandad always used to say: “It’s amazing what a lick of paint can do.” Lovely man. Made terrible ice lollies.

NEWS: Climate change campaigners to push the argument that 2 degrees can make an enormous difference. Unless they’re both in media studies.

Not a lot of people know this but last year I had a Christmas number one. It was in the stationery cupboard at our office party.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Oops!

I once got badly hurt by a boxer in the ring. I think you’ll agree that’s a particularly nasty place to be bitten by a dog.

I just woke up in a cold sweat, panicking about standards of paper production being in decline. Thankfully it turned out just to be a bad ream.

Awkward first day in the office: “Hi ironic!” “My name is Joy” “Sorry, everyone told me your first name was Ironic. Oh…”

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Now is a good time to wander around a big department store in a Santa outfit, yelling “How do I get out of this bloody place?”

Very sad. The man who tried to set the world record for swallowing Scrabble tiles has just passed a Y.

TOPTIP: Parents. Avoid morning battles to get the kids up by simply kicking open their bedroom door and shouting “He’s been! He’s been!”

“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a tummy ache and I keep mishearing consonants” “How are your bowels?” “Fine. It’s just the consonants”

I’m thinking about taking up drumming again. Just considering the repercussions.

Life is basically a computer game you thought you’d be good at so you skipped the tutorial and now you have no idea what the hell is going on.

Psychiatrist: “I’m afraid your cheque bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.” Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

This evening I tried to cook an original dish by combining pasta and a quiche, but sadly it just turned out to be a bit of a pastiche.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, I realise I had the binoculars the wrong way round.

Ladies and gentlemen, please almost put your hands together and let’s hear it for mime artists.

TOPTIP: Tell everyone at work that you have a twin so that you don’t have to acknowledge or talk to them if you see them outside of work.

If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.

The idiots who say you shouldn’t use a condom because ‘it feels better without’ have no idea how much this heroin’s hurting my stomach.

People have always looked down on my work as a pavement artist.

TOPTIP: Really dislike your snobby neighbours? Puncture their arrogance by giving your dog the same name as their child.

I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “NO!”

One way to get the dogs to behave...

My wife has insisted we both take night school classes in sign language. I’m positive it’s only so she can still nag me while I’m hoovering.