I just slipped on some toothpaste in front of the whole family. Talk about crestfallen.

Fun Fact: Chickens only use 2% of their brains. KFC use the other 98%.

It’s difficult to be mad at your kids when they burst into your room at 5am just to hug you and say good morning. Difficult but not impossible.

I learned about this great diet from a Saudi Arabian cannibal. It’s so easy. You just have a sheikh for breakfast.

People who say “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate two things at once.

🎶 PHYSIO KILLED THE LAZY OLD STAR

TOPTIP: A simple way to turn a 3 minute walk into a 65 minute walk is to allow your toddler to ride their tricycle.

The wife said she’s leaving me because she’s sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you’re wondering why she’s typed ‘everything’ in capitals, it’s to emphasise the point.

Him: “Do you have a date for when you’re getting that wart removed?” Me: “I asked Rachel from work but she said she’d “prefer a restaurant””

The dog ran off last night. I spent twenty minutes in the park looking for him. The wife said I should try looking harder this morning. So I shaved my head and got a teardrop tattoo, but I still couldn’t find him.

Taurus: Today is the perfect day to pick up some of the hobbies you’ve neglected, such as showering.

Mate: “I clarified your butter” Me: “Ghee! Thanks!”

I went round my mate’s house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming. His wife looked at me and said “Don’t ever have kids”. I said “Hard work?” She said “No, you’re really ugly”.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night and the waiter asked “How was your meal, sir?” I said “It was very nice, could you give my compliments to the gardener”.

Doctor: “What’s your tattoo say?” Me: “Oh ‘Live Fast, Die Young’” Doctor: *Checks test results* “Perfect”

I don’t want to brag, but when my mate was thrown out by his wife and desperate for somewhere to stay, I was the first of our friends to step forward and suggest AirBnB.

There’s a fine line between tax avoidance and tax evasion. Get it wrong and you could end up in prison. Then you’ll really find out what it’s like for a loophole to be abused.

I bought some sugar free muesli. It turns out that sugar’s the only bit of the muesli that I’ve been enjoying all these years.

There’s been a lot of inbreeding in my family. For example, I’ve got a third cousin, twice removed from my second cousin.

I just had a message come up on my Fitbit. It said: You up?

[texting my friend] Me: Sorry I missed your party yesterday. Friend: It’s today actually. Me: Read this again tomorrow then.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under the sofa.

Shit, I forgot to carpe diem again.

Me: [sitting by a roaring fire] “Isn’t this romantic?” Wife: “Your crocs are melting”

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learnt: department store make up assistants do not like it when you climb up on the stool and ask for a tiger.

“Judas Priest’s ‘Breaking the Law’ is based on the singer’s real crimes” “Rob Halford’s?” “No, he vandalised a Bus Stop”

Seems like the ‘How To Use A Fire Extinguisher’ video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs. I guess my only real vice is Bluesky Well, that and lying about gambling and drugs.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body. So I think I’m going to have to drag it out of the basement and bury it behind the shed.

“Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?” “Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter!” “Thanks dad!” “No problem Alan”

“I have to look after my friend’s dogs every day for 120 minutes” “Two hours?” “No, they’re poodles, actually”

Just once I’d like my actions to be ‘inspirational’ rather than a ‘warning to others’.

I’m very proud of my working class roots. When I was growing up we only had an outside toilet. It was only years later we were able to afford a house.

Just back from the National Tidying Association’s annual piss-up. Those guys can really put it away.

I’m getting desperate. I applied for a job as a shepherd, but I haven’t herd.

When your decorator finishes a job and later texts to ask if he can come back and take photos, apparently he means of his work. Got all dressed up for nothing.

I’ve just made a bid on eBay for some pasta and a dog’s home. Oh well, in for a penne, in for a pound.

I’m still looking for my Russian settee. So near and nyet sofa.

Me: “So then I said to the cop, catch me if you can” Cellmate: “Then what happened?”

I’m starting a monthly meeting at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it myself. I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

TOPTIP: Torment pessimists by topping up their glass while their backs are turned.

• The Postman Always Rings Twice • The Amazon Man Always Rings Once • The UPS Man Says He Rang And He Is Sorry You Were Out

My panic room is any room with a full length mirror.

On the first day of boxing training, my instructor said we should try sparring. So I booked us in for a face mask and a massage.

Her: “I’m not like other girls” Me: “Cool, so you know where you want to eat?”

I was depressed about the size of my manhood. My wife said “Why don’t you get an extension?” So I did. And now I sit in there crying about the size of my manhood.

See also: Killing someone with an axe, as long as they're on a spinning target.

I’ve just got back from the gym. There was a pigeon in there working on his pecs.

So, when your grandmother says she wants a pot plant for her birthday, it turns out she just means a plant in a pot. Six hours down the police station.