TIP: Run down the road with a forkful of food making aeroplane noises. Stop a stranger and ask “Did a baby come this way?”

I think my wedding anniversary is coming up soon. I’d better unblock my wife on Facebook and double check.

I’ve spent a fortune on a Persian rug. My cat was becoming so self-conscious about his bald spot.

Thoughts are with my late sister this morning. She was supposed to be here at 9.

My wife just said “Facebook is down!” “Really” I replied, “I wondered why you were speaking to me”.

On holiday in India. Just on our way to Bollywood Houlevard.

"Duly noted" #Caturday #CatsOfBluesky

Remember, you can achieve everything you want if you’re unambitious enough.

Make work more fun by playing ‘Office Buckaroo’. Simply take turns to remove a piece of your boss’s chair every day until it collapses.

News: “Original Picasso sold for 28.6 million pounds in Sotheby’s auction”. Makes my one from Auto Trader look like a bargain at two and a half grand.

All those scientists lauding the thinness of Graphene might want to check the toilet paper on this Great Northern train.

When life knocks you down, instead of getting back up Just lie there and take a nap.

My gay friend Anthony is monogamous. He’s a one prick Tony.

I’m feeling listless tonight. I did write down a number of reasons why that might be, but I can’t find the piece of paper.

Apparently, the Reform Party (officially registered as Reform UK Party Limited) is technically in debt, with accounts showing net liabilities of just over £1 million. Maybe they should relocate to India?

Thanks to autocorrect I appear to be having some kind of midlife crisps.

Amazon are selling a book called ‘Test Your Dog’s IQ’. Presumably, if you buy it for £5.74, it’s considerably higher than your own.

If I could be granted any super power, I’d wish for the ability to know the right amount of rice to cook.

In this 24/7 wired world sometimes it’s nice to just get way from people and be on your own for a bit. I must visit Google+ more often.

Just bought myself a barge pole. Thought I’d push the boat out.

Martin Short Alexander Graham Bell Maxi Priest Simon Cowl Ian Knee-Length

There’s a page on Wikipedia titled ‘List of British terms not used in the USA’. Surprisingly ‘No more for me thanks, I’m full’ isn’t one.

Famous people named after skirts? You’ve got your “Mini” Driver, your Desmond “Tutu” and your “Rah-rah” Rasputin.

“Just bought a new Marvin Gaye record” “Cool! Let’s get it on” “No mate, Sexual Healing”.

I just bought a box of ties. There’s a sticker on it that says ‘Knot to be sold separately’.

Too embarrassed to buy skinny jeans? Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

FUNPRANK Enter your local petrol station with an inflated balloon saying you’ve overfilled your tyres and want to return some of the air.

I miss the nineties. All piling into my old escort at the weekend. I think she’s living in Scotland now.

The Met Office has confirmed that 2025 was surprisingly the UK’s second wettest since records began; behind Joe Dolce’s ‘Shaddap You Face’.

In 1958 Sir Edmund Hillary arrived at the South Pole, which was a surprise as he thought he was flying Easyjet to New Zealand.

“Ooh, you’re pregnant. Eating for two, you must be hungry?” “No thanks, I gestate”.

I always thought ‘choreography’ was the science of measuring how Northern you are.

All 13 of my tattoos tell a story. I had money on me when I was drunk.

I took a dip in the pool this afternoon. The lifeguard said “What you got there?” I said “Hummus”.

The barman said to me “I’ve hired a bagpipes player for tonight.” I said “What’s the occasion?” He said “I want to close early.”

I’m currently spending a long time in A & E. Bit like Status Quo.

In 1941 Baden-Powell, founder of the Scouts, died, but thanks to his motto “Be Prepared”, his widow had very little to organise.

I overheard a guy in a pub in Glasgow ask a waitress for a plate of horse stew. She told him they didn’t serve horse stew. He replied, “You must—because I just heard the gentleman at the other table asking for mare soup.”

I saw a man down the allotment with earphones in. He seemed to be digging the beet.

Just saw two men out running together in the shopping centre, properly going for it. They must be boiling, especially in those balaclavas.

In 1506 the first Swiss Guards arrive at the Vatican, finally allowing the Pope to open tins and get stones out of horse’s hooves.

It’s actually something called the Annual Meeting of Rolled-Up Newspaper Enthusiasts today. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there. No wait...

Someone’s left a perfectly straight pile of talc on the gym loo. Better brush it off so the bloke banging on the door doesn’t think it’s me.

This new NHS constipation advice website is great, but I don’t seem to be able to log out.

In this heatwave I’m only going to buy that fancy water with healthy additives. Like this one here. It’s got hops, yeast and malted barley in it.

My neighbour said to me “A problem shared, is a problem halved.” So I’ve dumped some old asbestos in his front garden.

Luckily every time our stick insect escapes, the dog fetches it back.

I said “My boss calls me ‘The Mailman”. My mate said “Is that because you always deliver?” I said “No, because I’m scared of dogs, and he thinks I’m having sex with his wife”.

In 1801 Horatia Nelson Thompson, the illegitimate daughter of Lord Nelson and Emma Hamilton was born. Her nickname was Half Nelson.

My mate said “Hey, do you have any non-alcoholic beer?” I said “Sure mate, it should be in the cupboard. Right next to the non-narcotic cocaine”.