Let's set the record straight in advance: We are indeed headed for a government shutdown, and we all know it to be the #TrumpShutdown, so let's discuss it accordingly.

Glad you didn't have to see this, brother. Thanks for the laughs. We need them now more than ever.

Should you encounter anyone still flirting with the idea of embracing/enabling authoritarianism, simply remind them of how that inevitably works out by citing the latest example...[gestures broadly towards Russia].

[spitefully becomes autistic, proceeds to go 'Rain Man' on his ass]

"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Not to worry. Two more will soon take its place. GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKER.

This CK/EK/DJT thing is getting REALLY weird.

Jimmy Kimmel now has more Youtube subscribers than Joe Rogan. Thanks, Don!

You'd think they would've tried something besides another sharpied shell casing this time. I can't tell what is most lacking here...effort, competence, or creativity.

More of this, please.

Amen. His opening statement was right on point. No notes.

Well played indeed.

That gets us to 218, the magic number of signatories to the discharge petition. You're going down, you orange bitch. ALL HAIL 'GRIJALVA'S REVENGE!!!'

Many people are saying that Don semi-absorbed a twin in the womb, and it gained the ability to leave his body and act independently, inflicting mass carnage like in that 'freak show' episode of the X-Files...and that's the story of how Stephen Miller emerged (literally) onto the political scene.

The escalator thing at the UN is a much bigger deal than many realize.

"I'm doing my part!" #savethemangroves

Best decision I ever made. Indrid and I have finally found our happily ever after.

I'm used to the congregation of closet cases that is the modern GOP crashing Grindr whenever they assemble...but during a memorial service? "Man, nothing turns my crank like a solemn, mournful atmosphere. By the end of the eulogy I was stiffer than the corpse!"

There is no truth to the vicious rumor that Stephen Miller plays with dolls. They're merely keepsakes he's taken from his victims.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Upon receiving orders for deployment to the Donetsk sector, a new Russian conscript goes to buy a train ticket to Rostov-on-Don. Once the transaction is complete, he asks the agent behind the counter, “Tak, how much is return ticket?” To which the agent replies, “𝘙𝘌𝘛𝘜𝘙𝘕 ticket???”

Remember all the flak Obama took for the "apology tour" that never actually happened but Fox (and frequent guest DJT) never shut up about? How ironic that all these years later, Don's ongoing behavior will actually warrant an apology tour once this is all over.

I'm surprised Don doesn't wear a double-breasted jacket more often, considering his second row of tits.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

Pictured: Protestor who understood the assignment outside Walt Disney Studios earlier today after they suspended #jimmykimmellive

They're even going after ASMR for Christ's sake. Lest we forget, they were always going to start with the trans community, but they were never going to stop there.

Given Putin's renowned aversion to close physical proximity, when the palace coup inevitably goes down, it would be such a nice touch if the conspirators general at the other end of the 100-foot conference table took him out via FPV drone. "Russia, if you're listening..."

How it started: "LEGALIZE COMEDY!!!" How it's going: "FIRE ANOTHER COMIC FOR A JOKE I DIDN'T LIKE!!!"

Now that the FBI has gone as far as fabricating evidence in a ham-handed attempt to bolster their case and the administration's preferred narrative, Tyler Robinson could end up walking...assuming he survives pretrial detention.

WORST. ATTEMPTED FASCIST COUP. EVER.

Though he later walked it back, Brian Kilmeade still casually endorsed mass murder live on national television. Imagine what they say to each other behind closed doors.

I've been wondering about that myself. His co-hosts certainly didn't push back or exhibit any perceptible consternation in response. They didn't do so much as bat an eye. In fact they expressly agreed with him. At least they've finally acknowledged where this project of theirs is headed...

Pictured: Genuine Leadership

What are the odds that such a shocking event would occur so soon after the *birthday card* dropped?

Who knew traveling around the country to start heated arguments about sensitive issues with hundreds to thousands of total strangers at a time could be so dangerous?

3.6 roentgen...not great, not terrible.

No need for introductions. I know the progeny of Treaty Oak when I see it.

Is it my imagination, or is 🇺🇦 hitting Crimea exceptionally hard tonight? Perhaps more interestingly, they're matching that intensity against 🇷🇺 positions opposite Kherson proper on the left bank of the Dnipro, i.e., the gateway to Crimea. I smell a shaping operation...a big one.

1979: Alpha Gigachad Jimmy Carter brings solar to the White House, leading the way far ahead of his time with his legenendary vision & perfect 1/1 brains-to-balls ratio, before smoothbrained beta cuck Reagan fucked it all up. Be like indie forward-thinking Alpha Jimbo, not corpo-cucked Retro Ronnie.

"The Price Is WRONG, Bitch!"

I'd been expecting the inevitable tipping point against ICE/CBP/DHS to arrive in the form of -- oh, let's say, "kinetic noncompliance" during a raid, but this particular overreach was so egregious I suspect that it too might just do the trick...

YES. HE. CAN! (AND SHOULD)

Has anyone else noticed that Steve Witkoff seems to think it's the "NOBLE" Peace Prize, and considers it a "REWARD?"

From what I can see at the front, 🇷🇺 forces have quite visibly reached the point Imperial Japan had by early '45. At least THEY were fighting an archipelagic campaign (amphibious resupply is challenging even during routine exercises, let alone under combat conditions). So...what's Russia's excuse?

Red sky at night, sailors' delight...

Fellow Americans, Real Talk: After witnessing what Ukraine just did to Russia, I'm pretty sure we can take a demented orange nutsack packed to its tensile capacity with fat, shit, bloodthinners, big macs, and diet coke. Get a grip, everybody. We got this. We just need to follow through...

I knew he didn't have long, but this looks BAD. They're pumping him full of bloodthinners to keep the toxic sludge churning, and they're running out of jab space. Also, some of the meds he's on are destroying his kidneys, so now add renal failure to the mix. I feel like a kid on Xmas Eve...

*Braces self for Jenna Octagonal*