Y’all I got raptured!! It’s wild up here

No rapture but at least today is $5.00 🍣 day!

All the wonderful butts and cocks on my timeline have already made me jerk off this morning.

Me getting added to a meeting last minute about blob storage?! I swear these people think I’m a wizard, now I have to learn this shit!

The US if Tylenol actually caused autism

These two are having a bob off in Dexter resurrection and let me tell you, I still can’t tell who has the tighter, sharper bob.

Made sure I got a good pump before I got my 2nd dose of hep b vaccine because the lady likes feeling on my arms and tattoos.

Yeah I sure hope so, I wasn’t gonna bring it inside the grocery store!

I earned tacos

Y’all don’t like Kroger shrimp because the radioactive contamination. I don’t like Kroger shrimp because it always tastes like chlorine. We are not the same.

Jesus holy ghosted them again #Rapture

When a rando at the gym tells me I’ve lost a bunch of weight…..

The cat is meowing today, y’all I’m the cat

So unmotivated to work today. Just want to go back to the gym.

The scream I scrumpt!

always have a back up plan

Rapture tomorrow. Go ahead and push directly to prod.

I hope the rapture takes the slow walkers

“solving autism” the day before the rapture is so desperate

jimmy kimmel rapture supreme court nvidia tylenol autism

People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow

So, no rapture?

if you have a Christian family you’ve been wanting to wordlessly abandon tomorrow would be a great day to do it

Just took some Tylenol for this fever and now I can't stop watching train videos

I’ve been eating microwaved plastic my entire life and I’m supposed to be worried about Tylenol?

Taking Tylenol to start Autism Maxing

My mom took Tylenol when she was pregnant, and I turned out super nerotypical. Anyways, here's (part) of my Sir Pentious collection. These things are obviously not related.

Going back to 2004 to run through the streets screaming “The host of the Apprentice is going to attempt a fascist takeover of America so we must rally behind the host of The Man Show to lead the resistance.”

I think in an idealistic cuckold scenario, there should be a cuck sitter. Someone that comes to the cucks house to ease them through the night of jerking off to their partner being fucked.

I had a vision and all I needed was the right artist to execute it for me.

Just eating Girl Scout cookies while dying my socks

gay people will say “i felt the spirit of fall’s pussy” instead of being like “this is some nice fall weather 🙂”

Gays of a certain age, RISE UP!🙌 Mother is promising us a dance album💃🪩🕺 www.instyle.com/madonna-plun...

I’ve never been more lucky than to have this dog in my life.

What y’all think their house number is?

My god, another app that thinks I want to see people’s stories with no way to turn it off 😒

I have finally re-logged into every app on this fucking phone. I’m really diligent about only having apps I need on my phone and it’s STILL an absurd amount.

This feels like a hollow win simply because I moved slower by 7 minutes.

Mother is gonna be on Slaysian Royale next week!

Me watching Suki Doll’s snatch election

Blew my diet on Taco Mac and it was worth every drop of sweat I put in for it.

Power lines in Atlanta, GA

I didn’t have a Disney+ account to cancel in the first place so I blocked Amy Schumer instead

We really got a Michael Eisner face turn before GTA 6

Michael Eisner publicly attacking Bob Iger is crazy, what year is it

Cunty AF

Concept: You make a spiked collar, but instead of spikes, you use door springs. Ultimate fidget spinner collar.