OW fuck

The Fourth Of July, Rethought (Ken White/The Popehat Report) Main Link | memeorandum Permalink

Trump’s Press Secretary wants ABC to hold journalist @TerryMoran held accountable for telling the absolute truth about Stephen Miller. So much for free speech.

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy: "Obviously, it is not standard to have aircraft collide. I want to be clear on that."

Where is my goddamned cabinet appointment? I destroyed my life to serve Trump and I am EASILY as much as an unqualified freak as any of these people

They can take my watches, they can take my rings, they can take my Mercedes that Lauren Bacal drove, they can take my lawyers, but they can NEVER TAKE MY DIGNITY, as I will explain on Steve Bannon’s podcast

Resolved: the Original Meaning of the pardons clause is that the President can pardon bankruptcies and defamation judgments Do you think I can get Jonathan Turley to push this on Fox if I apologize for saying he looks like a desiccated Herman Munster

Whewwwwww Finally checked out that 2025 Plan and there’s nothing in there about cousins. Relieved.

I can’t believe I have to give up my grandfather’s watch. That watch was first purchased by my great-grandfather during the first World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. Made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. Up till then people just 1/45

New York? I have to go to New York? But it’s a total shithole

Ugh, have you ever been on a Zoom call where some guy just thinks he’s in charge and can run the meeting?

I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY 1980 MERCEDES? But Lauren Bacall once owned it! Do you know how many interns I have fingered in the back seat of that thing? I once ran over a homeless guy’s leg and the suspension handled it like butter! This SUCKS

Wait, wait wait wait. I got it. You cannot prosecute a man in more than one jurisdiction for what is basically the same crime. GENIUS.

What kind of assholes serve a man with a summons on his 80th birthday just because he trolled them a little bit

ISO ride to Arizona for . . . . a thing. Good companion, chatty, though may want to roll windows down. Please respond.

The Fifth Amendment protects my right not to list all of my assets in my bankruptcy petition. Alina Habba explained this to me.

ANOTHER lawsuit? What about double jeopardy?

OH COME ON

Question: is your attorney supposed to use all of his closing argument to say you’re a senile old asshole? Thank God I’m not paying this guy

BOOORRRRRRINNNGGGGGG

Okay so it turns out that’s not what “Cyber Monday” means, my apologies to everyone on that joint defense Zoom

Trump has repeatedly and SAVAGELY attacked like TEN judges on social media but if I send just ONE judge a flip-phone foto of my dick it’s all of a sudden a “serious issue”

I can’t believe the Big Guy forgot to ask for a jury trial. A jury is like TWELVE people you can persuade, influence, and possibly hit on if they’re hot. All you have to do is get ONE and you’re home free and/or in for a fun weekend.

Ok. Wait. Which ones are suing me and which ones are being sued with me and which ones am I suing? Does someone have an infographic?

Okay check this out. I have a great new idea for a defense: You cannot arrest a lawyer and client for the same crime

Oh so NOW apparently “GETTING PAID” is more important to lawyers than “GETTING YOUR CLIENT OUT OF A LONG SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS.”

You can’t GAG Donald Trump! He’s not a law clerk!

Looks like my trial will be separate from that Cheesebrah guy and that lunatic Sydney Powell. Thank God. I mean I think I have a high tolerance for characters but that woman is an entire AHS season unto herself.

Why can’t I have a removal? I’m federal. I’m as federal as fuck.

Okay so I think I have our trial strategy. Here it is: Blame Eric It’s simple, it’s straightforward, NOBODY likes Eric. The Big Guy doesn’t even like saying his name. And he’s as charming as a rat. One look and the jury will buy he did it all.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A DEFAULT JUDGMENT

Siri can it be RICO if you’re drunk Siri can you RICO when you are drunk or is that not a thing Siri please drunk all the time defense to RICO Goddammit I have got to find my phone

These stories are WILDLY exaggerated. I am only a social drinker. I maintained an upright and professional bearing throughout my representation of President Trump. I do not have a problem. Now if you can please help me out of this dumpster and hand me my pants I will be about my business.

Well that sucked

OK. Let’s do this. Road trip. I’m driving. Bernie’s navigating. He asked for a copy of something called the green book so he could avoid all the places in it

OH COME ON DAMN IT HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND A LAWYER IN ALABAMA, SOMEBODY GIVE ME A NUMBER

I can’t believe I have to go to Georgia and post bail. Do you have any idea how broke I am? My attorneys have BURIED me in bills. I have to sell one of my Manhattan apartments and I just snorted pixie stix off of a hooker’s ass

Even in the darkest hour, if you look, you can find things to be grateful for. Today I am grateful that though I was indicted with 18 other people I was not charged in the same indictment with Junior or Eric because I absolutely could not have lived with that shit.

I INVENTED RICO. I MADE RICO A THING. and now it’s killing me. This is like Frankenstein or that movie where Lady Gaga winds up hanging Bradley Cooper

And Jeffrey fucking Clark. I’m surprised that guy hasn’t accidentally pled guilty already. I mean the guy was in charge of environment and resources at DoJ. Does that sound like something the fucking TRUMP administration sends a smart guy to do?

At least I have this going for me: there are a LOT of patsies and fall guys with me on that indictment. PERFECT for taking blame. Too dumb to know it’s coming. I mean look at Jenna Ellis. I’m pretty sure she can’t count. You could get her to cop to 9/11 with two drinks and some light flattery.

And the snoring. Jesus. I never want to hear anything like that again. That hooting, wheezing squawk. It sounded like the sound an asthmatic duck would make if you made it watch you strangle its only child.

With my luck I’ll be sharing a cell with Trump. I had to share a room on the campaign trial once and it’s no picnic. Dude walks around in these baggy boxers and leaves gnarly white pubes all over the floor. It looks like it’s snowing in Chernobyl or something.

I CAN’T go to prison. For health reasons. I had an, ah, implant thing put in down there. Works ok I guess but it’s VERY maintenance intensive. Has to be degaussed every week by a tech team. They can do it by Bluetooth but only within 200 yards? Most prisons that’s too far

Does anyone have a condo in Azerbaijan where I could crash

Look I knew where D.C. is and I learned where Florida is and there is NO WAY I am going to learn where Georgia is.

Lol there is no way I am going to be able to keep all these indictments straight. Someone send me an unfuckable intern

Okay I finally got done moving everything to Florida so I can help the boss with his case. From now on nothing but 100% focus down here on this case. Now let me take a big sip of coffee and open up the news to see what’s

I am not impersonating a lawyer I am a real lawyer