Shit, this is straight 🔥 from the Borowitz report

He was on patrol in New Orleans. On BOURBON Street. Can't imagine the chaos if a drunk found a full auto in the bathroom of a bar and decided to play with it

You just know this bitch takes zumba (largely hispanic music) and played La Bamba at her wedding with no issue.

Trump is truly the worst. He is threatening to refuse to allow a Canadian/US bridge to open in Michigan if Canada doesnt negotiate on trade. If Im Canada, id knock it down and give trump the finger. www.usatoday.com/story/news/p...

Gotta hand it to her, Gishlaine knows how President Quid Pro Quo operates. www.cnn.com/politics/liv...

F your ICE commercial during the Superbowl, Trump

Sam Darnold looks like a mall cop. He probably says affirmative instead of yes.

World Word of the Day Hodenkobold (Ger)- Testicle Goblin. Roughly means a small person who acts shady and has a face like a testicle. Ex. "Stephen Miller is a real hodenkobold."

Nothing says family values like getting locked up for fighting in a Waffle House.

Its sad that Team USA got booed but that doesnt mean its not warranted. Trump destroys everything hes around.

Making everyone stay home to conduct mass layoffs without having to face your employees is some weak shit, Jeff Bezos. You're a coward.

MAGA, you can be honest. Do you ever get tired of having to defend the whiniest beta male on the planet? I would.

Early concept of the New Trump-Kennedy Center after renovations

Will Trump will show up to claim Melania's inevitable Razzie Award for worst actress?

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Susan Collins Concern Level Chart with associated actions at each level

😂😂😂

I wonder if Melania will show up to accept her inevitable Razzie Award

Of course, Fetterman strongly objects to ICEs methods and behavior but will vote for the Bill which includes ICE to avoid a shutdown. Fetterman sucks.

Its sad that it took a man carrying a gun getting shot while protesting ICE for conservatives to wake up to what is going on. And I dont believe for a second its about Pretti himself but rather about the gun he had. Had he not been armed, I doubt the NRA says a damn thing.

The Board of Peace has: -US- kidnapped a president, took over and is threatening allies - Israel-waging a genocide campaign in Gaza -Belarus- active in the war in Ukraine -Saudi Arabia- had a majority of th 911 attackers -Pakistan- in a cold war with India -Russia- not accepted yet Sounds peaceful

Usha's pregnant. Probably sat on the couch with no knickers on. www.cnn.com/2026/01/20/p...

“My precious…”

Join my Peace board or I will wage economic war on you!!! finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-f...

Called this www.cnn.com/2026/01/19/e...

Trump telling Norway he doesnt need to think about peace because he didn't get the Peace Prize in regards to Greenland is something else. Give me the Peace prize or Ill start a war is a hell of a position

Abigail Spanberger has officially been sworn in as governor of Virginia. For the first time in history, the Commonwealth has a woman governor.

Trump straight up imitating Putin with the Peace Prize www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/her...

MAGA loves to call DEI "Didn't Earn It". We'll this fits their definition of DEI www.yahoo.com/news/world/a...

He should just save the country time and make this his State of the Union Address

Looks like the Peace President is gonna drop more bombs on Iran after cancelling talks and pledging "help is on the way" to protestors. That should pad his resume for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Steelers lose and, as a Browns fan, Im fine with that. But they'd be stupid to fire Tomlin.

Reminder the literal Mission Statement of the EPA is to Protect Human Health and the Environment. Yet they will no longer consider health impacts just the cost of control technology under the Clean Air Act. Make it make sense. www.washingtonpost.com/climate-envi...

If Trump tries to actually invade Greenland, Congress must immediately impeach a f remove him. That cannot be allowed. www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article...

You know times are bad when I am comforted by the fact that the US didn't bomb and try to take over another country today.

Good on the Washingtion National Opera and good on the Times for not calling it the Trump Kennedy Center www.nytimes.com/2026/01/09/a...

The Cleveland Browns' Myles Garrett has set the NFL's single-season sack record during Sunday's game against the Cincinnati Bengals.

What happens if Maduro isn't convicted? Do we fly him back with a "our bad"?

"First, we will rename it Trumpezueala" -Trump, probably

So uh,can someone come and extradite Trump from DC since apparently that kind of thing is cool now?

Well, hate to say it but if I am China I have all the reason I need to go into Taiwan and Russia has no impetus not to continue its war in Ukraine and possibly other areas.

That's an interesting way of saying you're going to follow a court order as required by the US Constitution.

Thank you to all the performers who are canceling their events at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

So Trump didn't go to church on Christmas (as Christians are supposed to do) but he did bomb Nigeria on Christmas. And people dont believe hes Christian?

I will continue bombing countries UNTIL I, your favorite president, get my well deserved Nobel Peace Prize. Today its Nigeria. Tomorrow it might be Vanuatu. Thank you for your attention to this matter! -Trump (probably)

I love this for Trump

Odd, I feel like I need to apologize more than ever. Mostly because we are going back to doing shit we knew was wrong a long time ago.

Oh hey we're back to pissing off Denmark Angering Denmark, Trump Appoints Special Envoy to Greenland - The New York Times share.google/1UckjT73y2Ve...

I cant help but think someone told Trump the plot of the Hunger Games and he thought it sounded like a good idea. We sure as he'll know he didn't read them himself.

It won't happen but it would be amazing if one of the broadcasters covering trumps next media engagement would put a black box over his face the whole time since we aren't allowed to see anything but what he wants us to see.

Almost like they had this all ready to go before any vote www.nytimes.com/live/2025/12...