rihanna [turning her notifications back on after waking up]: disturb me-ah!

please my typos they’re very [sic]

hollowing out a brick of cheddar to use as a straw for my lemon basil spa water

you have to do it right at 11:11, but during that minute you really can charge your iphone in the microwave, if you wish it

me: pops, what's that movie where– dad: jude law is the sky captain and gwyneth paltrow is the world of tomorrow? i don't know son, please stop asking

[in the quick meals aisle] yeah i know the rice is minute, what i really want to know is how long it takes to cook

ripping off my camouflage to wag my finger at a lemur that is too high on the forest's delights

a rap battle? looks like it's my time to rattle, all u posers: frick off, skedaddle

to remember your disguise and what you’re here to do, repeat after me: i am bush, i ambush

human history takes a serious turn as evolution introduces knee slapping as a laughter stopper

[timidly robbing bank] i'm told this is a safe space?

a claw machine for our times: insert coin, press button, then dive beneath the claw to receive one calming scratch on the back

take care or take air? drag an empty jar through the sky to show your appreciation, just in case

sent a parcel back first thing this morning to see how i’d feel. early returns are good

alien [materializing suddenly]: you play beautifully me [rhythmically scrubbing burnt cheese from a pizza pan, bag raiders' "shooting stars" playing in the bg]: ahhh... thanks

for obvious reasons i've never been able to tell idris elba and jessica alba apart on paper, nevermind screen

TRENDING: bushy-faced italian boy practices punde de la grunde (you won't believe these substrates!)

anything to stay out of a situation

translate latin? easy. it's french for "the tin"

they call me lil squinty... wherever you see sunlight i'm bustin rhymes unprotected

whimsy-maxxing the roster of my favourite sports team

the street name for triscuits is trisks and a box of triscuits is a trisk kit

sometimes i feel like a firefly, drifting around unnoticed until a rush of oxygen tickles my vast stores of the light-emitting compound luciferin, and i illuminate very brightly, irritating everybody around me

cool beans... tight squeeze... now you've got some warmer beans

as a chilg, i always thoudht the G in the Gisney lodo was a D lmao but i've dot it all sorteg out now

[desperately fishing for bedtime story] boy, it sure does smell like uponatime in here…

i strap on a dunce cap to maximize my aerodynamics for the rapture, my eagerness for salvation unwittingly turning me into a holy missile

It's like they say, foster the people, but portugal the man

[butting into a lively conversation about gardening] i hear they're working on a new apple you can compare to oranges

bathroom fans should be at minimum 2x louder than the loudest recorded human fart

nerf dog in the streets, cat tree in the sheets

yeah i "chatgpt" with my friends... chat Gratuitously (Pending Transgressions)

nervously preparing to host my first ever sex party by laying out my finest finishing salts

god [interviewed on the seventh day]: you know, it means the world,

tfw when your brightness was at max because you were looking at an item

Going absolutely butt mode in this chair

if u wanna be a Wonder of the world does it not make sense to preserve energy by doing it in One Hit

they created two new hybrid sports from the ones that gave us strikes and bullseyes; i took up the one where you underhand a 15-lb ball at the wall with pinpoint precision

if grass was uncuttable would we braid it and lay it gently on its side or how would that work

laboriously hauling a heavy wood door around the region and trying it on various surfaces hoping to find a better world; for example, a place where golf course groomers might be called parsnips

scurrying under the covers for a scent-free dutch oven, slowly building tolerance for the real thing

falcon punch? honestly, it’s what i miss most since going vegetarian

in canada we call it a loonie eclipse

finding my true purps by turning to a life of violets

cucumber javelin walked so pickleball could run

using my fun dip stick to press the elevator button and sanitizing it by plunging it back into the blue powder

hot boy band of lawyers called the onus brothers

my new year's resolution is to actually rid myself of the bioluminescence i worked so hard for last year

striking the vitruvian man pose first thing every morning to activate my gravitational field, which frankly has been great for collecting loose change throughout the day

exploring a new genre of comedy that i'm calling softcore slapstick by dropping my phone on my face in front of a live studio audience