With cell phones, a bathroom phone is no longer a luxury only the rich can afford!

Sucked up the leaves on my back deck this morning like this!

Can’t say I blame them, but Mavs fans are really getting off over one person’s misery.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down…

My ex-SIL had her baby this afternoon. Talking to the former niece, who’s seven, I told her she’ll make a great big sister. She said, “I don’t know about that!”

One of the nicer aspects of gaining an hour this week is that the animals have no sense of time. The dog’s bladder wakes up exactly when it did last week, and the cats get antsy because you’re not up when they expect anymore.

While Disney and Google try to drown each other in a pissing match, this setup, maybe less than glamorous, gets almost 30 channels, including ABC.

Read a survey that rated Oklahoma as the third kinkiest state for Halloween costumes. To my Oklahoma friends tired of being last in everything, you can take comfort in being a leader in one area. With a little more effort, you might even be able to take first next year!

Sets off security scanner at concert. “How could that be? The huge bomb I have strapped to myself is plastic!”

While I don't believe circumcision causes autism, I have little doubt that the male brain is controlled below the waist!

First time I’ve caught NMC posing as a dog toy!

Walked around downtown Columbia last night and didn’t get robbed, assaulted, shot, or stabbed. Should I ask for a refund?

Watching the Chiefs, and Roxanne clearly thinks I need to pay attention to more than just the game!

So, this idiot cut me off in traffic, took exception to my driving, and decided he was going to follow me to work and confront me. After he followed me into the parking lot, he would seem to have had a quick change of heart and chickened out when he saw all the cop cars!

I would say this has been the worst rapture ever, but I’m old enough to remember this one!

If I had a nickel for every rapture prediction in my lifetime, I’d only have a dollar or two, but having that much in nickels would be really weird.

We win! #MIZ Suck it, Beakers! Don’t worry, though, KU fans. We could be you every year for the rest of my life, and your school will always have one over on me. #IYKYK

If we were still a Big 12 school, people would already be calling for Drink’s job! #MIZ

This antibiotic I’m on after getting bitten by my cat Saturday morning causes GI distress. Makes me wonder if there’s a Trump branded adult diaper. I know it would be supporting Trump, but the opportunity to shit all over him would be too good to pass up!

This news has already been making the rounds in Columbia, but, to anyone who hasn’t heard, Ben Arnet, sports director at KOMU 8, has died at 43.

I’ve seen a lot of drivers who look like this lately. They would seem to drive about as well as your average Missouri driver!

Since receiving some news I didn’t want to hear in the last 24 hours, this song has kept coming to my mind. She’s not, unfortunately, the first person once close to me I’ve lost in this manner. Remember, if you find yourself in crisis, you can dial 988 or 1-800–273-TALK. youtu.be/uIe4eZrsN3g?...

Never imagined that, in the event of a national divorce, the libs would get Cracker Barrel!

If you like well-done beef, you might be in luck! Might be for sale cheap soon! www.ksdk.com/article/news...

Monday Motivation: When faced with difficulty, remember that you can jump higher than the Eiffel Tower. (The Eiffel Tower can’t jump.)

How do birds always know to crap on your car right after it comes out of the car wash?

Hearing the Bottoms Up Club in Fayetteville has been razed. I lived around the corner from it for a couple years and went exactly once. This eulogy describes the way I remember it: www.facebook.com/share/p/1Hpp....

youtube.com/watch?v=_jl2... My current mood…

Survived vacation. My refrigerator/freezer and food, however, did not.

In a world full of Hulk Hogans, be an Ozzy Osbourne!

This timeline can get fucked. RIP John Michael “Ozzy” Osbourne.

To my young friends: When you get older, nightmares take on themes like being in a public place, and all the bathrooms you know about are out of order!

These two will always tell you they don’t like each other, but I think they’re lying!

Why were none of my teachers ever this cool?

Some people will go to bed with all their fingers for the last time tonight. They just don’t know it yet!

In prisons, they’ll wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

Here are some photos of the Weird Al Yankovic show at Starlight in KC.

Have crossed this state twice in the last week. Saw two shows on opposite sides of the state 48 hours apart. First group of photos from Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats, and the Outlaw Music Festival in STL.

I ordered Jockey underwear, but I think I got an off-brand! That’s the last time I order clothes on the internet!

I guess I’m just not the Weird Al fan I thought I was.

Thank you, Paul George! #OKC

Walking out of the men’s room and almost bumping into someone coming in, “Damn! You scared the shit out of me!” “Well, I guess you’re in the right place, then!”

Fun fact: Today would’ve been the 35th anniversary of John and Lorena Bobbitt, but, of course, their relationship broke up, literally and figuratively!

Just saw a city truck go around a speed bump in my neighborhood. Yeah, we don’t like them either. Why did your boss put them up here?

This getting older thing is bullcrap!

Listening to music and playing video games reminds me that was how I spent many a day in the hot summers on break from school. It was also probably why my mom frequently tried to get me out of the house!

Talking to a friend this evening about Icehouse the band versus Icehouse the beer. I definitely prefer the band! youtu.be/zeV_POB16f8?...

Actress Mary Kay Place grew up four doors down from my mother's house. We've waved to each other several times from 2000 to until her dad died around 2013, but we've never said a single word to one another.

The Thunder players wear blue uniforms because they’re prone to choking!