Trying to make moves to prep to journey cross country permanently. Buying the truck was one. I have been applying to jobs in the area. Spoke with a friend from highschool yesterday who owns a house with a full apt downstairs and may have a place to live for a few months rent free while I settle.

Officially no longer a Jeep Bro and have transitioned to Truck Girl. I've owned 3 Wranglers in my life and wanted a change to something more fuel efficient and more secure but didn't want a massive truck. The hybrid Maverick has been calling me for a while.

Getting to play Forza 6 was the ending to the day I needed. Just turn my brain off and race for a few hours.

It also doesn't help that today is the anniversary from when my ex and I split. Fun reminder.

I was not ready to come back to work after a great week off surrounded by loving friends and being in a space that made me happy. I returned to my empty house and isolation and did my best to keep myself from breaking down. I'm here at work struggling from spiraling.

I'm home from another awesome trip now motivated more than ever to apply for jobs in the Seattle area. Really dreading going back to work tomorrow as I'm positive I'll be underwater with projects that are due.

No trip to Seattle is complete without a bag of Dick's.

I didn't think my first time trying shrooms would be me fully mentally regressing to barely verbal under 2yo. What a fun albeit a little scary trip.

Seattle, I am in you.

Reminded very forcefully today of one of the work wisdoms Dad always told me. "You don't have friends when you are at work. You will get stabbed in the back." Ex-employee and someone I considered a work friend tore me to shreds in a email to my bosses regarding their own emotions and failures.

About a week and a half before heading to Seattle for a week+ vacation to see friends. I'm super excited, it always fills my heart to spend time out there. However, there is always this tiny voice now that says "Don't be a burden. Don't visit too often. Don't lean on your friends too much."

Furfright 2004 was the first fur con I went to followed by FWA 2011. I miss the low key just hanging around of the old cons. You could just take up space in a hallway and just wait for a friend to wander by. There weren't thousands of people or lots of events. No rush, it felt like a vacation.

When you plan the event, get excited to do fun things with your friends at the event - body dysmorphia hits and it’s compounded with the fact you’re just … not the right shape of person, or … equipped? or like … yanno. not the vibe. But you’re happy everyone else is having fun so you cope!

Today's project. Love these Speed Champion sets because for as small as they are they are still a solid 1.5-2hr build. Solid afternoon Lego set.

I don't understand health insurance. Last month I had a routine physical and blood work. They messed up and ran it without insurance & billed me $489 (discounted). Called them to correct it, they ran the bill and a week later they sent me a bill for $38. And just now I got an updated bill for $18.

Adorable song that was made for/about a friend of mine.

Whoops, came out to my transmale coworker yesterday. He came to me about FMLA and wanted my opinion about when to ask for it. He let slip it was for top surgery. We talked about costs and then I let slip it's way cheaper than full body laser hair removal. He was so happy to find out I am trans.

Starting today off great... My brain is really driving it home that I'll probably never find someone who finds me worthy of being their partner again and that I've lost that chance. I'm too old to be attractive to my friends in their 20s/30s. Everyone I know above that is already partnered.

Idk, it's ok to be weird.

Hey! Check out Alex, they are doing super cute traditional sketch commissions.

The amount of biting my tongue at these family events. One day I'm going to absolutely lose it. Beyond the standard hot topic discussions it's been emotional and people have been on and off crying talking about dad.

I know right now I am still in the negative cloudy headspace phase and one day I know I won't be. I'm still pushing towards that day, however it looks like in the end. I am trans.

Hit me while responding in a Discord group about next week. Easter will be the first big holiday celebrating as a family since Dad passed. Not sure how it's going to go but I'm betting it'll be an emotional one.

Literally the only person in my wing of the office for the next hour. Time to Balatro at work.

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I hate that sometimes I crave reassurance and validation. I know most of the things that bother me aren't reality but sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else to ground me.

The bad brain worms have been particularly bad this morning. Trying to focus on work, but I keep hearing on repeat: I will never be accepted. I am just a tourist. I am just pretending to fit in. I won't ever commit. Once they find out they will reject me. Don't ask for help I am already too needy.

I'm often blown away by how small the VR furry community is as a whole. Seeing different groups crossing paths is really neat to me.

Had the thought on my drive into work. What am I striving for? My main goal for a long time was happiness. Something broad that can be obtained based on perspective. But now... is it complacency? Is it comfort? Is it ease? I feel like I too easily fall back on just existing and not living.

So apparently responding to a friend's post just targets you for spam bots with names pleading for help but no actual content. Bsky has officially made it! The spam bots have taken notice.

I was starting to get snow/sparkles and disconnects on my Index. A tell that the cable was going. 5 years on one cable is pretty stellar with multi-day/weekly use. Started to panic because Steam stopped making tethers and they are +$180 resale now or refurbished.

Internal monologue after getting a tect

Also I think my transmale coworker is trying to clock me. We came in the office at the same time, he comments on my purple polo and protein shake carton.

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Since I'm not going to FWA this year I decided to take a trip. Heading back to Seattle for a week during that time.

Anytime I log into a Teams/Zoom meeting at work and it doesn't autofill my government name my brain starts panicking, "don't fill it in with your furry name!" a hundred times.

When you are singing karaoke in VR and the song you picked causes people to cry. Bark...

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I may be having a stroke. I cannot type "triangle" lately without first miss-typing it as "traingle". And I have to type that shape so much at work. Dang traingles are going to haunt me. And now that I've made this post I had to force correct the typo, which means it's going to be in my phone.

I want to be upset & rage about this. The con is in my back yard and I was hoping to make it a staple but I think it bears a reminder. Cons are not your friends. They are businesses that run off corporate frameworks. They must make money to survive. They will cut any risk to that, including you.

Ooof, I re-subbed to FF14 last night.

I feel guilty to do so, but I was encouraged to not so... I'm going to be out of work for a while for this surgery. So if you want to help, thank you. Hopefully this will be the last surgery. ko-fi.com/abbysitter/g...

Hypothetically... If one was going to put together an outfit that screams "babysitter", what would that be? Ya'know? As like a goof or something. I'm certainly not thinking about babysitting my friends, holding them in my lap and smothering them with love until they melt.

Recently reconnected with @crescendobirb.bsky.social after like 10 years and a few sona changes between us both. He asked for a warm-up ref which turned into gift from to help during a hard time and to celebrate a rekindled friendship.

I do love a great number of people, friends and crushes. I'm still clawing my way out of the crushing weight of past relationships. I'm still working on it even if that means I will continue being single for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day someone will see that value in me too.

Oh... it's that day. Time to be crinkly, cozy, and not leave the house for 24hrs.

🌻 #myart #furryart #doodle

One thing I learned from all my management classes last year is that my empathy is too high and it gets me into trouble. I don't want to close off my heart to people's strife because I hope the same care will be shown to me when I need it. But dang is it wearing a hole in me.

It's been a while. Setting up the kitchen table to start running a local D&D game again. Character creation session tomorrow. Weighing the pros and cons of 5e vs 5.5e. Any insight?