I couldn't choose, so I made a hybrid packing cube instead. Haha

Long bus trip in the morning, and I figure I can use the time to work on my course exercises. Because this weekend is for fun, but this month is also for focus. 🙌🏻 Devotion > Diligence

I'm mostly packed, but since I have no idea if I'll be feeling more femme or not by travel day, I've had to prepare. I have one packing cube full of flowy blouses, and one full of t-shirts. I figure I'll make the choice which to stuff into my backpack by Thursday night.

Bruises — Jane Hirshfield (Because the heart carries everything. Even that which we think we lost.)

Signs I'm healing— I haven't made callos since the Christmas before she left. I kept telling myself that it was too labor intensive (it is), but the truth is I didn't have the heart to anymore. Today was the first time I cooked it again in over two years. No real reason. Just because I wanted to.

💯 *sigh*

Most of the life changing CPTSD recovery work I do is w/ adults in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, & even 70’s. That voice telling you you're "too old" or it's "too late" to make significant changes in how you feel & function is a f*cking liar.

Some days just feel like this. Still coming to terms with all that was.

"So all of those kind of esoterics aside, April is a month of clear sight. It's a month of understanding. It's a month of illumination for better or for worse, but I think mostly for better.”

Halfway through, and this book is making my heart hurt because it's been forcing me to think about our very real future and what that might look like. But it's also very vivid, complex, and strange in all the ways that tickle my brain.

Wow.

Today a cousin messaged to tell me that my father is in the city. She gave me their itinerary because she didn't want me to run into him accidentally. I am so grateful for that. Family is complex, no matter who you are, but when family was the source of abuse, the grief and hurt can feel endless.

Sometimes I'm uncertain whether I really know how to live in the world.

My heart's been aching for the world for a long time now, but especially in these last few weeks.

The thing about having media monitoring as one of my regular work tasks, is that I really can't avoid the news. This would already be rather stressful for most people given current events, but because of my complex-trauma-wired system, I find it more challenging to lean into trust rather than fear.

At my shoot tonight and there's a lull. I'm just sitting on the staircase and listening to the conversations while waiting to take the group photo later. All these stories are so heartbreaking. And everyone is so courageous. And even if I'm not a participant, I feel so connected to everyone here.

Flour. Water. Salt. Time.

I sometimes get really sad that I have so many stories just floating around in my brain, and so many characters that I've come to know so well, but I really don't have the time to write them all down.

Counting again. 978 today. Inhale. Exhale.

🎧🎶 “Something massive happened here I can feel it in the atmosphere Something false that once was true I no longer revolve around you I no longer revolve” Around U (Live at The Greek Theatre in Los Angeles) – MUNA

With each shoot I do, my back gets more painful afterwards, and quicker as well. Finally caved today and ordered a better camera strap. I swear, my nervous system just melted when I did. Just the thought of the future relief was such a huge thing. 🥹

Photography as a metaphor for self-reflection through observation.

Speaking of pretty good things today... I got gifted a jar of sourdough starter. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it just yet. I suspect that my friend J just wants to have a breadmaking buddy. Lol So I guess I'm adding sourdough to the list of things to learn about this month.

I showed up for the shoot today despite the exhaustion. That thing they talk about in somatic experiencing re integration and the waves it can bring up? Yeah, it's real. But what I was reminded of, is that this is a season, and not a sentence. I'm going to be okay. This was a pretty good day. 🌻

Do I still have it in me to edit another set of photos tonight? 😁😅🥲 We shall see.

Hard stop for the night. I can work on photo edits in the morning. 🌻

Perhaps the reason why I'm feeling so emotional is that this place really held me as I was piecing myself back together. I know it sounds silly, because of course I can still return. The coffee shop is still there, even though the bookshop has moved. But I know (of course), it isn't the same.

I truly hope this reaches you if it's meant to.

It's only my very best friends who can tell me straight up to stop doubting myself. And I always appreciate it when they do. Thank you, P. 🌻

How gratitude, acceptance, and quiet determination can coexist with so much grief, I'll never fully be able to comprehend, even though I'm the vessel that they all reside within. Sometimes all we can really do is allow for things to be as they are.

Listening in the quiet.

Just really wanting to take photos. 🌿

Made yogurt today. 🩵

Yup. 🍜

For Those Who Are Alone on the Feast Day of Love

It's that time of the year again. 🌻 Trauma anniversaries are such strange creatures. I'm trying my best to befriend it, despite the discomfort. There's still a good deal of residual activation energy completing, so I'm setting aside any meaning-making for now to favor stillness and compassion.

Author Arundhati Roy, 'Shocked and Disgusted' by Jury's Gaza Remarks, Pulls Out of Berlinale 2026

The past two days were crap. 😑 Funny how such a small thing today instantly lifted my mood. Grateful also for the company of friends.

After years of living in survival, the newfound pause and spaciousness are foreign to me and it's often uncomfortable. I keep on reminding myself that I don't need to search for meaning yet in all this. That the past years were not a loss because I was protecting a life. And I am allowed to be here.

v1.116 is rolling out now! For all the overthinkers and perfectionists out there, we're launching Drafts.

Speaking of memory— Y told me that there would come a time when my nervous system would feel safe enough to hold memory again, even those that might have slipped beyond knowing and awareness. I still don't remember everything, but new (old) things are surfacing. ‘𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘦, 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭.’

I first discovered Dar Williams when I was maybe 19 and a girl I'd been crushing on gave me a mixtape with some of her favorite songs from ‘Mortal City.’ Years later I was able to hunt down the entire album, as well as her previous one, ‘The Honesty Room.’ Haven't thought of that period in years.

On my mind today— There is nothing excessive about grieving a life you deserved but did not fully receive. Grief clears the ground, for what is possible.

To help someone feel heard is a sacred act.

That's probably enough for today. 🌻

Yeah. That kind of evening.

I had a software issue yesterday. The kind that just a couple of years ago would have sent me into a spiral of panic. But I handled it. Which is not to say that I didn't 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 the stress that it caused. I did. But, I let the sensations sit and pass through. I was present, as Y always told me to be.

Because the heart could use a little more tenderness today. 🌻